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Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

mixed_upCasual Contributor19 July 2016, 4:33 pm AEST

Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Hello,

My first post here, and actually only just joined. I feel like I need a place to talk/listen/learn/cope, so here I am.

Short and sweet:

I'm 45, female

Depression on and off since my 20's

Father commited suicide when I was 25ish

Father and mother should never been allowed to have children, hence a not good childhood (for me)

Won't talk to my mother or a sister anymore

Struggle with issues from the past that I just can not seem to let go of or get over.

Tried, 4 or so counsellors/psycologists- haven't seemed to help

Been on and off medications for years

Dr says I have situational depression.

I'll cope and cope until it is way past due and then go get help.

Never seriously tried to end my life due to having children.

Currently: Off the meds. I hate them. I really would like a life without them and that is what I am going to try for. I should be seeing a counsellor that I have seen before but Ijust can't bring myself to do it. Last time I saw her, she was falling asleep while I was talking. Yer, made me feel bad.

The reason for me coming here is I just don't know if what I am going through is normal.(Is there such a thing?) Struggling with anger, tiredness but yet not sleeping well, I crying for no reason when I pull up in my driveway, cranky as , and just wanting to be left alone. Some peace. I even feel stupid for writing all this, but surely someone understands?

I'm on 10 weeks holiday/leave/no job after running a cafe on my own for 18months. Long stressful days and no real money or real support. So 10 weeks was for me to "get better". I was at the point of leaving the shop, my partner as our relationship was no existant. Now I feel like (as above...aka crap) and just wonder if I will ever get back to being ok/normal/myself. I need a job, no one can live on no money, but I don't know what job, or if I could even be nice to people if I found one. Is more time needed? I really don't know.

I think that's enough. I reckon I could blubber on forever.

Cheers and "Hi

mixed_up

16 replies

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In response to: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

pipSenior Contributor19 July 2016, 4:49 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Hi mixed_up. It's always real hard when we come from dysfunctional families. I think what makes it so hard is we don't learn social skills, so we feel inadequate. I'm also sorry to hear of your father's suicide, that would've taken its toll on everyone. You have decided to cut ties with mum and sister, obviously no emotional support from them with growing up. Is your sister older or younger. Have you seen a Dr lately for a check-up. At your age, I tend to wonder if menopause is rearing it's ugly head. From what you're describing it sound suspiciously like menopause. Help is available through seeing a Dr or gynaecologist. I would suggest you make an appointment for a check-up to see if your hormones are causing problems. You may need short term AD's to help you through the rough seas. When I became menopausal, I was lucky enough to be taking AD's and didn't suffer too many problems. I do remember the crying jags, severe headaches, moodiness.

In response to: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

utopiaSenior Contributor19 July 2016, 5:12 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Welcome @mixed_up. I'm the same age as you. 1 teenage boy. No partner. I got duagnosed situational depression only a few months ago after being on anti depressants for over 10 years.
The feelings you describe are almost a mirror image of mine. Yiu are not alone.
Coming from the childhood that you had, where wers you meant to learn copying skills to stress and lifes ups and downs? In my childhood, all I saw was my dad not coping with undiagnosed ptsd & being angry and irritable all the time. So, I think we have to re-learn behaviors. That's where a good counselor / psychologist comes in. I know I can't do it on my own. Can you?
It sounds like you cope - travel ok for a while -possibly ignore your financial & relationship problems - until - BOOM! You crash. You & your body can't cope anymore.
Yep. Sounds just like me.
I'm doing better now with a great psychologist, medication, & doing relaxation & mindfulness exercises. Life is not perfect. But I'm starting to have happy moments and feel better.
Can I suggest continuing with your therapy. Taks the medication (your not coping without them at the moment). Ask your therapist for tips to re-train your brain. To reduce focusing on the negative self talk.
I wish you all the best and am happy to chat anytime.

In response to: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

MazaritaSenior Contributor19 July 2016, 5:15 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Hi @mixed_up,

Welcome to the forum. 🙂

Sorry you are going through a difficult time now and have been on and off since your 20s. Though I have no qualification or training to diagnose, it seems to me that feeling angry, tired, crying for no reason and getting inadequate sleep all seem to be indicators of depression. It sounds from your post that you have mostly seen GPs and psychologists/counsellors over all this time of struggling. I wonder if it might be helpful to ask your GP for a referral to psychiatrist for a more thorough diagnosis or even just another opinion. The reason I suggest this is that your depression is so long standing. However, with psychiatrists the first line of treatment is still usually ADs. They are specialists in the medications available though, and you may find that a psychiatrist can choose a more effective AD for your particular condition than you have had before.

Regardless of your decision with this, the forum here is a good place for many of us to share support and ideas about how to better live with difficult mental health. I hope you stick around and look forward to hearing more from you. Kind wishes.

In response to: Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

mixed_upCasual Contributor19 July 2016, 7:05 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Hi pip,

Thank you 🙂 In my family there were 3 kids. I'm the oldest, sister is the youngest, boy in the middle.

From the 3 replies I've received it seems you are all relativing suggeting the same thing, back to the Dr. I think I had been holding off of going because I've been so much. But, yes, part of this could be menopause.

Cheers.

In response to: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Unknown userMember19 July 2016, 7:11 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Hi @mixed_up 😊
I understand. Will chat more hopefully soon. You're not alone. I think you'll find it helpful chatting on here to people who understand. I can't take medication. I am gradually getting better. Chat soon. 😊

In response to: Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

mixed_upCasual Contributor19 July 2016, 7:13 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Hi utopia, and thanks.

Oh, if you feel like me, I feel for you! Sadly, I knew I wasn't alone.

I ask that question about learning myself. Family and parents are supposed to teach you things like dealing with issues and coping and learning. I kept it all bottled up until something would pop the cork and I would unleash. Late in life family thought my father had Bipolar. I don't think I agree, but I really don't know enough about Bipolar. I know my sister uses it as an excuse and blames everything on hers.(Apparently she has it, but I wonder if that is only because she has told them my father had it? Not something I care to worry about really)

I have learnt I can't do it on my own. All I do know is when something is wrong.

I was supposed to do Yoga and meditation, but unfortunately with no job and money of my own, hitting my partner up every week, I just didn't feel I could do it. So that is my bad.

I don't have a therapist at the moment. The Dr set up for me to go back to the lady,who was falling asleep as she is apparetnly a good therapist, but I just can't do it.

I'll go back to the Dr.

Thank you

In response to: Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

mixed_upCasual Contributor19 July 2016, 7:21 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Hi Mazarita,

Thank you 🙂 Hopefully after being here a little while I'll learn how to reply to you all in one post.

I think you are right with the psychiatrist. Plus checking on the menopause!

It is funny/strange because I don't feel depressed. It doesn't feel like the other times when "bad thoughts" pop into my head or I want to hide.It's not like that, so the replies are definitely giving me something to think about.

A Dr's appointment is going to be made. He is a good Dr and he'll understand if I ask for the psychiatrist, he has actually offered them before so he will understand.

Cheers 🙂

In response to: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

utopiaSenior Contributor19 July 2016, 8:14 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

@mixed_up. Yes you are not alone with your experiences. My bad days, aren't as severe as they were months ago. I still get down where nothing feels right and I can't do anything. But they don't happen often. I hope they will decrease further as I keep working on my mental health.
Like you, I have no money. But I do have internet and I go online to look up good audio relaxation & mindfulness exercises. I try to do them twice a day. Morning and night. it helps me feel better. Sometimes I think it gives me energy.
I'm glad you're going back to your doctor. A referal to a psychiatrist could be good for a medication review (if you choose to go back on meds).
I don't know how many counselors I've seen since my late teens - but definitely more than 10.
My past two psychologists have been a huge help.
So have the guys on this forum.
I hope you can see your doctor this week.

In response to: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Unknown userMember20 July 2016, 1:01 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Hi @mixed_up

Sorry to hear that you had an awful childhood and that your father comitted suicide. Thats alot to cope with inside of yourself and that youre struggling with issues from the past. Sounds exhausting. Seems that you have good reason to feel angry, tired and feel like crying.

I used to feel like that all the time, not as often now. Angry and hurt from things that have happened in my life. Crying for all the hurtful things that were done to me. At one stage I went through grief for the life I feel that I have wasted and missed out on and grieving for the family that wasnt there for me. They were there, but not really there, if that makes sense. Like you, I often didnt even know why I was crying.

Its exhausting bottling up all the hurts and disappointments inside of yourself. Are you able to find a counsellor that you feel comfortable talking to?

I find that inner anger causes depression and sometimes we need someone to help us learn how to deal with it all.

I found that reading self books helped me. Eg. Because I was abused I read books on how to get healing from being abused. Or I'd read books on healing hurts from the past. I've read so many I cant remember them all. I also read/googled on how to improve my health. Exercising is probably the most important thing we can do. I understand that perhaps you dont feel that you have the energy to exercise, I know I still feel like that. I noticed a couple of times recently, I felt so angry and frustrated, I forced myself to go for a fast walk and I was really surprised that it helped me get rid of the anger. Mind you, I do talk to my husband when I feel like that. It certainly helps to have someone to confide in. I hope that you can find someone to confide in. Feel free to chat on here anytime, about anything. I am more than happy to listen (read) and I hope that I will be able to say something helpful.

I have been in the absolute pits, so I do understand. I can now feel happiness at times. At stages in my life I have had some good counselling, but now I find that I just need someone to talk to. I have isolated myself for a long time now and just joined Sane Australia last week. I have my husband to talk to, but sometimes thats not enough.

Ive tried heaps of anti depressants and other meds, they all made me feel worse. At present I am taking something to help me sleep, but Im only taking them temporarily. Medication is not for me. I know it helps alot of people, but only makes me worse. I used to wish they would work for me, but now I just research my own way to get well.

I look forward to hearing from you and I hope that you find chatting on here helpful.

Take care of yourself and rest as much as possible, life can be very stressful.

In response to: Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Unknown userMember20 July 2016, 1:25 pm AEST

Re: Hello from me, and blurted it all out......

Hi again, @mixed_up. I just noticed that you have seen counsellors and psychologists. Ive been to heaps as well. Its not easy finding someone that you feel comfortable with and that can actually help. Through word of mouth I found ones that were helpful. I hope you can too. But do chat here anytime.

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