What led me here tonight

hello.

As I lie in bed my husband is merely a metre away on the computer but I feel so very alone. My heart is breaking and I am fighting back tears. You see my lovely husband of five years hits himself when he gets frustrated. I feel so helpless as I can't make him stop it. I can love and support him but I can't make him stop.

he went out to play a thing called Magik, which he enjoys doing but he got sad/angry about it and spiralled into self destruct mode. He did message me to tell me, which is a good thing. He requested I didn't come or call but texting was ok. He came home 2 hrs ago and said he was going to play some computer games, about half a hour ago I heard him hit himself or something around him. I want to rush to him, tell him to stop but that doesn't help so I came to the here. 🙂

I'm not sure if I will post this yet but just typing it is helpful anyway.

when my husband and I got married I thought he would always be the OK one. I come from a relatively dis functional p family and have lived through some Shit. He was always so calm and steady. We both love the lord Jesus and I loved his desire to serve our God and Gods people. We planned to start trying for kids after 2 years of marriage. Alas this is not what happened. A year and a half into marraige he ended up in hospital for five weeks and since then we try and work towards recovery.

i feel like I can't complain as he is so much better now then a few years ago, he is holding down a full time job, he never blames me for his illness or is abusive. He is my wonderful funny silly husband who makes me laugh and calls me silly names. He is the man who I pledged to be with in sickness and health. He is my best friend. He is also in so much pain, his anxiety torments him and the guild he feels too. Oh how I wish I could beat anxiety the anxiety up and tell it to leave us alone. I hate how much pain my husband is in. I want to fix it but I know I can't. It SUCKS.

I am so sorry that anyone who is reading this also has a loved one who is ill, but it is a comfort to feel I am not alone but I still wish no one else was going through it too. 🙁 I really hope your loved ones recover.

so as to end on a positive note. 4 years ago my husband could not was the dishes as fear of getting wet and doing it wrong was overwhelming. He know washes them all the time. It may seam little but for him was major and it reminds me of how far he has come.

Goodnight ( though I suspect I may not be sleeping much tonight as I won't be able to sleep till he is asleep, but I should at least try.😴