issue with my co-worker/friend

Hi @BlueBay,

Lets have a (virtual) cuppa together and talk this through about your co-worker! There are names for people like her...none of which I can use here on the forum.

Don't let her make you feel inadequate and down...there is something very weird about people who brag and big note themselves?? I wonder if she is aware of her impact on you?

What could be an assertive yet respectful way of telling her to SHUT UP! Anyone got any suggestions?

Yours in solidarity,

Frog

Dont buy into or compare yourself to her and what she brags about.

Or put yourself down rather than assert yourself.

Start speaking about your own successes and values and great things like boast about your son travelling. Detach from her agenda ... set your own.

@Former-Member

I so wish I could tell her to just SHUT UP. But I can't. That's not me. This is where I have trouble. I am a people pleaser and I struggle to say something for fear of being yelled at, hurt (just like my mum did).

No she has no idea of the impact it has on me. Not at all. I guess I am so down and have no self worth, I look at others as if they are so good, having a good time - when I am struggling.

And this is the friend who tells me to 'just forget about your mum, she is a bitch, just forget her'. OK it's easy to say that, I do want to forget her - but at the end of the day she is still my mum. Not that i will be running back to her, no way.

Hi @Kurra @Appleblossom

I am now hating to go to work because of this friend. I work with her 3 days a week. So I only have one day (today) to myself without her 🙂

@Appleblossom I am not the type to brag about my stuff, but I do talk about my son who is away. But sometimes I feel like that no one is listening to me when I talk. So then I just shut down and walk away.

It's getting to be really hard. I tend to just do my job and not get involved in her discussions. But it's hard when she is so loud and she goes on and on and on. She even does the same with the customers. She is so over the top.

Hi @BlueBay,

Is this co-worker a really good friend of yours? Do you see her outside of work? How well do you really know her?

You know, everyone has their own problems- there is not one person out there who leads a totally care-fee existance and who has never been touched by sadness. I would say that this friend of yours wants to present a certain picture of herself to the outside world, but that it is not an accurate picture of what her life is really like.

I would say that she does this in order to protect herself. She might suffer from low self-esteam or she may just be extremely private and not want to get close to anyone. She may have wealth, but wealth is not everything. Your friend may have been through many hardships but she does not feel comfortable enough to tell everyone about them.

I used to be in the opposite position to you. I worked with a woman who talked about her problems morning, noon and night! She was not interested in hearing about my life. It was all about her! She used to drive me bonkers!

Does your friend ever ask about you - your hobbies, interests, opinions? Does she ask how your weekend was? The fact that she asks you "What's wrong?" when you go quiet is a good sign; it means she has some awareness of others. If you value her as a friend, maybe you could ask her out for a drink one night after work and talk things over?

I think some people are just very self-protective and at work they want to maintain a professional front. They try to remain up-beat and they avoid talking about politics, sex and religion. So whats left to talk about? Themselves and their interests.

But no-one likes someone who brags. Yes, I would find that behavior very annoying, too. There is a fine line between talking about your latest holiday in the sun and bragging about yourself, as though you are better than everyone else. You believe your friend has crossed this line. Perhaps she is just very immature?

Hi @Sahara

I have know my friend for the past 10 years. She has had her share of trauma, almost losing her oldest child in a car accident. I was there for her and even made meals for her family. He is married now and he is not too bad.

She is so intense. Even other co-workers have noticed how intense she is. I just can't stand how she talks to me and others, she goes on and on and on.

You're right money isn't everything. It doesn't bring happiness or health. It doesn't take awy mental illness or any other illness.

She will ask me about my weekend but I just answer yes, no or whatever. I don't continue the conversation like it's a big grand thing.

She did help me 5 yrs ago when my childhood abuse memories came out. But her attitude to me know is like - you need to forget your parents; you need to just move on - how the hell do you that? i sometimes wonder that she has no idea of what it's like to have a mental illness.

Hi again @BlueBay,

sorry I have taken so long to respond..... Yeah, it seems to me that your friend has no idea what it is like to have a mental illness. Most people don't. It can be very alienating to suffer alone and realize that the people around you have absolutely no insight into how you are feeling.

I think a lot of people here on Sane have had that experience at some time in their lives, including me.

I remember one time my sister asked me out to dinner with a group of her friends and I said I didn't want to go because I knew they would be laughing and carefree and I would be the only one sitting there feeling out of place (because I was depressed at the time).

She told me "Well, my friends may appear carefree, but they all have problems, believe me."

I thought about that. Everyone has problems, but those of us who don't have depression (or MI in general) are much more likely to be able to put their problems aside and enjoy the moment, regardless.

When you are depressed, your problems become your whole world. You don't see anything else.

Last year, I was like you, Sadgirl. I was really living hand to mouth and hardly had money for anything other than bills. It is a stressful way to live. Well, I am no expert on finances and have usually got by on very little; mainly because I don't want much, anyway. I suppose most of the stress comes from wanting things that you know you can't have. I think that slowly, I just became so used to not having things. It was a different way of living; but not a bad thing. In fact, now I see that having very little in the way of "things" made me appreciate life more.

You are right - you don't just 'get over' significant issues with your parents. It can take years to address these things properly. Your friend is just uncomfortable with your issues and doesn't want to be bothered by them. It sound to me like work is her 'happy place' where she likes to be in control of everything.