STRUGGLING TO FIT IN....FEELINGS TO PAINFUL TO HOLD IN ANYONE LISTENING...LEAVE THOSE PAINFUL THOUGHTS HERE..NO RESPONSES PLEASE OUT OF RESPECT

thank you @outlander

although the heading does say no response laugh 😁

Time to go to bed and pray for sleep

new strategies yet again tonight with hope

phone on aeroplane mode

sleep deprivation is devastating long term

over two months again

am trying to elude fatigue again

any others out there knowing full well probably most of you

good luck and let us make a pact to keep on trying

goodnight all 😴

🤫

@Sophia1 trigger warning

I often wonder what will happen when I die. Who will look after my son2 .... does anyone understand when I say that I would prefer him to pass first then I know he will be safe and sound not abused in some facility etc. Am I a bad mother for saying this?? Idk maybe I am but it is the truth it worries me it just endlessly worries me.

This is how I feel about myself at times for being such a imperfect mother.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Qu4Ass6abo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD2SfQJOK08

Hello @Bunniekins

I found this reply to your post way back on 26/5 this year.

Hope that this does not confuse you, my finally posting this draft now.

I do understand your thinking that way and emphatically say to you that you are not a bad mother at all.

You are a loving mother who cares and hurts for your son.

You have an inner need to know that he is cared for.

This leads you to feel the need to see his passing in a respectful, loving way even though you do not want him to leave at all.

It makes perfect sense to me.

This is your eternal love for him.

I think that far too many carers myself included carry guilt that is such a dreadful emotional energy.

We want so much to take away their pain, their fear, their sorrow , their dread, yet we cannot.

I myself feel at such a loss as my baby who has grown into an adult is moving further and further away from me in his calls. His disordered mind has become more and more difficult to understand what he is trying to convey to me in such a haunting voice..sounding almost mechanical.

I have the self talk that the situation is beyond my help now.

I can answer the calls when feeling strong enough and attempt to respond within the framework that I am allowed. No questions. No comments. The subject becomes incoherent and then abusive and I have to give the warning that I will hang up

@Sophia1Sophia1 I had not heard from you for so long that I had forgotten your name (I just thinking of you the other day .... mulling what could be your name over and over in my brain with no luck). That is what my meds do to me .... they makie me forgetful amongst other things.

Thank you for your words of kindness. I was trying to remember the thread too. My pdoc said today that I have along with a mental illness ptsd due the the events leading me to acquire mania for over a year. My son2 once said that he felt like a mongoose surrounded by cobras. I feel like this:_____________________________________.