The-red-centaurSenior Contributor
Me...my existential crisis..this thing called Red Centaur
To explain me right now would be too difficult. I have pretty much shut down and my brain and body is malfunctioning on many levels. I cant keep a straight process of intelect and words come out wrong and fast and I get angry myself that its all wrong. You write this took a long time, no filter between thumb and mind.
I thought that finally seeing a psychologist to face my ED head on would be the start of something good. But it brought up memories and triggers I didn't realise I had. The first few sessions going over my past and my behaviours has triggered a switch in my brain screaming 'I can't cope with this'.
The dietician and psychologist are challenging the very core of myself and it is a part of me that has to eventually die for me to actually live. So its screaming out saying I'm going to take you dowb with me.
And with the stress and trauma reactions im having on top of my existential crisis I have ceased to function and been in a constant state of danger to myself and then yesterday a danger to those around me.
I am not coping. I feel like all I can do is my behavioursto calm down which I 'know' will make things worse. But I cant stop shaking so I get scared and inflict harm to myself because that is what I know.
Challenging the behaviours I rely on has brought them to a head. I am trying to let them go so they are holding on so tightly until they finally fall I hope instead of strangling me and taking me down with them.
I feel at a cross road. I either decide to be my behaviours and let them rule me or I say no and become a person I do not know but desperately want to meet.
