BPD , long term marraige and crisis point

@wantstofix Hey wantstofix and welcome to the forums. Speaking for myself my husband at the time I became ill was having an affair with a woman from his work. We separated and left me to become even more ill. Now we are divorced he is still with the other woman but has said to me that he regrets what he did during the time. I cannot tell you what to do but I can tell you that I felt deserted when my husband left me when I was so ill with schizoaffective disorder. Just remember it is the mental illness which is doing the talking not your wife. Sending you and your family kind and gentle thoughts. greenpea

Looking after your kid's and your own safety is a top priority and I understand it would been such a difficult decision, but it could be making things worse for your wife so I hope she can get the help she needs for all of you. Is it possible your wife has PTSD rather than BPD? Are you, or a close friend or family member, able to be more proactive in her psych care?
Your wife is still in there, she just may need help to find her way back to herself and then to you and the children.

I do wish that she did have the support at the moment for her care, unfortunately I know that her support network validate her behaviour as my fault and have done for the longest time. Their views ( they have told me this in the past) is when she gets angry and argumentative then I should match her level of tension ( unfortunately I tend to go more quiet the worse it gets of which I am told that I am being cold and uncaring). I am desperately trying to fix things as I do care and love her very much and would love nothing more than to have her back home ( as long as we can all be happy and safe) just hoping that we can fix this and get back on with the next 20 years of marriage but I fear that she doesn't think she can come back from all that has happened ( both she and her support network believe that the bro was too extreme but sadly, I saw no other way to defuse what was increasingly happening)

Hi,

unfortunslty I went through a similar situation. I have 3 children, I married in my mid 20s and all was good at the beginning. I loved and cared for my wife. time passed and it seemed like everything I did was wrong or not up to her expectations. we argued and disagreed for the sake of disagreeing, I am generally a quiet person and like outdoors activities with my children and wife. Over time things just got worst for me, I was not focusing at work and loosing confidence, I kept thinking it was me for not being ro handle my wife's mood swings or aggressive attitude towards me.

I went to councelling for years by myself , she wouldn't come as she did not believe the issue was her, it was all my issue...

the relationship got very toxic and the children were suffering and a witness to it.

children were also suffering in school, I had to see their teacher a few times, nothing serious but the teachers saw my son struggling and losing focus.

I tried to keep a level head and try to be the peacemaker in the family, trust me, unless your wife acknowledges it's a mutual problem then you are battling an uphill battle . I know it was as much my fault as it was hers. It doesnt matter who's at fault or who is the sick one, at the end of the day, your mental health and those of your children are number 1.

it could be you both grew apart or something changed in you or her. sometimes time apart helps, sometimes it can lead to permanent separation.

I'm my case we tried all sorts of things and at the end we divorced but we agreed to live close to each other and look after the children as number 1. btw, this is also a very difficult decision and wouldnt suggest until you've done some councelling together.

my children are now adults and teenagers , we have a good relationship and we do sometimes talk about mother...

she is also more relaxed these days focusing on her own health , business and children.

unfortunately in my experience I found being separated helped with our mental stability over time, this helped to move forward in a productive state for all, including the children rather then a destructive state.

it's been almost 12 years since we divorced and life goes on , we now have different issues but all I know is I have 3 wonderful responsible children . the key is we both committed to be around and support the children whether we were husband and wife. Sometimes you need more than just love, you need mental stability and mutual respect for each other.

btw, I also resigned from a senior management role because the family situation became very dysfunctional and I couldnt concentrate anymore. I was still seen by my wife as the trouble maker and she had no issues. Until she acknowledges her issues or at least agrees you both have issues together, then it wont work.

just to be clear, I did not have any affairs.

Vince,

Thankyou very much for that. Yes, like you there has never been an affair on my part and I do trust that she has not gone there either. I am hoping that we can do counseling together and I am hoping that she will seek her own help as I have been seeing my help. It is early days for us yet and I am being optimistic that we can sort things out. It is just a very emotional time at the moment.

hi

My husband has schitzoacffective disorder and I am exhusted. He isnt abbusive but I dont know how long i can keep going. I too have 2 beautiful teenagers and I worry about the impact on them. I also work full time and feel something has to give.

I am impressed with your courage to leave. Hope things get better for you soon

Fudge2,

I do feel your pain and it is so difficult when someone you love is having problems within themselves ( especially if they blame you or someone else for their own actions/feelings). It is difficult but we can only take one day at a time. Hopefully you have a good support network as I have found that reaching out has helped a lot. Easier said than done sometimes but I find that even something very simple such as taking the time out for a relaxing bath does wonders for leveling things out. Look after you as thats the most important thing.

Morning

My husband was diagnosed 16 years ago.

Its been a long hard road. With some beautiful bits and some really dark bits

Its been very lonely at times. Most people don't understand his illness and are scared of it. Not even giving him a chance to get to know him