I like many others here know where your comming from. I get so very tired of the everyday struggle, and feel like i cant go on. At those times i try to think of individual family members and how it would effect them. I have a 18year old grandaughter and think how it would effect her. Well i couldnt it to her. She has jusr had her birthday and ii couldnt do it to her then.
The bottom line is i know i just want things to change, but change takes time. Sometimes i feel like its just all in the too hard basket, so my responce is to cancel appointments with my psychiatrist and psychologist. Not helpful, because thats the time i really need to see them.
There are time when i really want to reach out and say exactly whats on my mind, but fear rejection.
So what do i do? First with wanting to die think of family
2 keep myself safe.
3 use mindfulness be aware of what i am doing
4 the worst case scenario i dont want to end up on dialisis or worst unable to do anything for myself.
Make contact with one or more of my therapist's. I am very lucky i can contact them any time.
Focus on today and what you have achieve however small.
Be kind to yourself and do some self soothing. A nice hot shower, moisturiser get into bed and pull the covers up. Some nice soothing music. Sip on a hot chocolate.
All these i find break the cycle and an give some relief. I use one ar all depending on how i feel.
Dont give up on yourself. Noone here has given up on you. Keep talking here if it helps. Take care of yourself. Lots of hugs.