Hi
A month ago, I tried to suicide for the first time - I'm 50 - failed for really dumb reasons. I spent 3 weeks in hospital MH ward. Been home 10 days now. The first week home was full of tears and sadness and going to GP and Psychologist and phone calls with Acute care and Community Peer support people.
Even though I have been working on my MH and getting counselling for my whole married life (30 years) I still crashed n burned badly.
The last 2 days I have been angry at everything. Maybe it's just the next part of a grief process?
i'm adding the letter i sent my psych last night - I'd welcome your thoughts if you have time and patience.
Thanks
Daisies
Dear Psych expert, During today's appointment time, you can read this letter as well as all the papers I gave you last week. I don't think any one else bothered to read them and seeing how I spent so much time producing that lot, and I'm not coming today, you will have plenty of time available.
I've progressed from sad to mad.
MAD at people who say things like "why didn't you ring me?". FFS how do you not know what a stupid question that it? Are suicidal and/or depressed people all that likely to ring someone? Doesn't the whole 'withdrawing' and 4F/non-cogitive kind of thoughts mean people don't want to approach someone for help when they are overwhelmed with pain and darkness??? or is it just me who does things like that.
Why would you (and others) say that to me? and then you asked me to promise to call you if I felt suicidal again. ummmm HELL NO I won't. I didn't advertise my plans last time and I sure as hjll won't next time either. I made some really stupid mistakes last time but sure as hell getting it right next time.
and yeah - there will be a next time - not today but one day - because there really isn't any kind of REAL healing or fixing minds like mine, is there. There are only coping tools and temporary solutions for symptons.
The triggers and emotional crap-shoots in me will still be there as defaults no matter how much we talk n I cry and you throw pens at me. F.. life will happen and Michael will say something totally S..T and I will go around the cycle again. Why would I want to keep living my life? I'm messed up and I mess people up (note the 5 people now seeing psychologists because of the effects I've had on them - yay me!).
Other stupid things people say - 'well I'm glad you are still here'. awwww - such a nice thing to say - colour me pink and pass me a tissue for my grateful tears as I breathlessly say thanks......NOT!!!!! I wasn't trying to finish myself for no damm good reason. I wasn't crying for 'help'. F that. I was trying to escape myself and it didn't work so I'm still here and still suffering living and I don't want to so people can take their stupid comments and shove them up their asses. They will probably meet their own brains in the st there.
May the whole world just go off and leave me the hell a- lone.
D
