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why am I angry

DaisiesContributor11 May 2020, 2:46 pm AEST

why am I angry

A month ago, I tried to suicide for the first time - I'm 50 - failed for really dumb reasons. I spent 3 weeks in hospital MH ward. Been home 10 days now. The first week home was full of tears and sadness and going to GP and Psychologist and phone calls with Acute care and Community Peer support people.

Even though I have been working on my MH and getting counselling for my whole married life (30 years) I still crashed n burned badly.

The last 2 days I have been angry at everything. Maybe it's just the next part of a grief process?

i'm adding the letter i sent my psych last night - I'd welcome your thoughts if you have time and patience.

Thanks

Daisies

Dear Psych expert, During today's appointment time, you can read this letter as well as all the papers I gave you last week. I don't think any one else bothered to read them and seeing how I spent so much time producing that lot, and I'm not coming today, you will have plenty of time available.

I've progressed from sad to mad.

MAD at people who say things like "why didn't you ring me?". FFS how do you not know what a stupid question that it? Are suicidal and/or depressed people all that likely to ring someone? Doesn't the whole 'withdrawing' and 4F/non-cogitive kind of thoughts mean people don't want to approach someone for help when they are overwhelmed with pain and darkness??? or is it just me who does things like that.

Why would you (and others) say that to me? and then you asked me to promise to call you if I felt suicidal again. ummmm HELL NO I won't. I didn't advertise my plans last time and I sure as hjll won't next time either. I made some really stupid mistakes last time but sure as hell getting it right next time.

and yeah - there will be a next time - not today but one day - because there really isn't any kind of REAL healing or fixing minds like mine, is there. There are only coping tools and temporary solutions for symptons.

The triggers and emotional crap-shoots in me will still be there as defaults no matter how much we talk n I cry and you throw pens at me. F.. life will happen and Michael will say something totally S..T and I will go around the cycle again. Why would I want to keep living my life? I'm messed up and I mess people up (note the 5 people now seeing psychologists because of the effects I've had on them - yay me!).

Other stupid things people say - 'well I'm glad you are still here'. awwww - such a nice thing to say - colour me pink and pass me a tissue for my grateful tears as I breathlessly say thanks......NOT!!!!! I wasn't trying to finish myself for no damm good reason. I wasn't crying for 'help'. F that. I was trying to escape myself and it didn't work so I'm still here and still suffering living and I don't want to so people can take their stupid comments and shove them up their asses. They will probably meet their own brains in the st there.

May the whole world just go off and leave me the hell a- lone.

11 replies

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In response to: why am I angry

Unknown userMember11 May 2020, 3:31 pm AEST

Re: why am I angry

Hey there @Daisies,

Welcome to the forums, it sounds like you have been through a lot recently. I'm hearing you tried to suicide and that you are in so much pain that you are grieving that this was not successful. I hope hearing from people who may be able to relate to parts of what you're going through is helpful.

Thanks for letting us know you are safe today. As much as you are wishing to end your life one day, we as a community would worry about you not knowing if you were safe. I acknowledge that is something you are struggling with - the difference between what you want and others wanting you to stay here.

I hope you find the community helpful, please have a read of our community guidelines here as you get used to the space 🌻

In response to: Re: why am I angry

DaisiesContributor11 May 2020, 4:03 pm AEST

Re: why am I angry

Thanks for answering and for caring. I did do a read of guidelines and will keep within boundaries better next time 😉

In response to: why am I angry

MaggieSenior Contributor11 May 2020, 4:05 pm AEST

Re: why am I angry

@Daisies Welcome to the forums. I’m not going to say any of the silly things you have heard from people who just don’t ‘ get’ it.

I really am sorry you are in so much pain. And you can’t see a way through. I have said all the things you have written, and more, trying to weave my way through life s pain, and all the other stuff. It suck, for sure.

If it’s at all helpful, many of us here understand, we’ve been there, or are still weaving. So you are not alone.

Sending kind thoughts your way. 💚💚💚

In response to: Re: why am I angry

Unknown userMember11 May 2020, 4:50 pm AEST

Re: why am I angry

Hi @Daisies, wow, that sure is a powerful rant, and yep, you sure do sound angry, with the world, but maybe angry with yourself too. And frightening - I was after I got turfed out of hospital that first time. You describe your parasuicide really well, I wish I was so succinct when caming out of my suicide attempts and hospitalisation. I'm like you and withdraw more than call out when on that edge, and yeah, people close are the last person we ring. We Don't want to hurt or burden them. They simply don't know what to do, how to handle it... and we interpret this as burdening them...
Its been 30yrs since my first parasuicide breakdown, and ya right about blackdog always being in the background... but you know, I promise, good days are worth waiting for.
In Australia we have professional help, as limited as they are, but some will be good, so don't give up. Keep trying new things. I have found help, went well for a good 20yrs inbetween two major breadowns, but now Ive survived another 10 passed the last one, and managed to travel and see my son find love... Even worked. Not perfect but nobody is. Try be kind with yourself, you're in shock from nearly dying. I think everyone whose survived this has some PTSD to work through. But realising there were two parts to me, one part really WANTS to live. That's why we come across like we're playing games and why people say stupid things and even be cruel. They don't realise we're mixed up and need support more than accusations and rejection. Please be strong, these coping strategies and management become second nature to us with practice. May with physical ailments need constant medication and various therapies to improve quality of life to. MH isn't that different. You'll be surprised how a little progress a day makes a huge difference in a year.
"First do what's necessary, then do what's possible, and before you know it you'll be doing the impossible"

In response to: Re: why am I angry

DaisiesContributor11 May 2020, 5:38 pm AEST

Re: why am I angry

thanks

In response to: Re: why am I angry

DaisiesContributor11 May 2020, 6:11 pm AEST

Re: why am I angry

Thank you for replying and understanding.

I really don't see how people move on from here so I am looking forward to reading more from others.

In response to: Re: why am I angry

Unknown userMember11 May 2020, 6:47 pm AEST

Re: why am I angry

Sorry, not braining well today.

In response to: Re: why am I angry

DaisiesContributor11 May 2020, 8:13 pm AEST

Re: why am I angry

@Former-Member Thank you for those thoughts.

I hadn't considered being angry or frightened at/within myself.

Re hospitalisation - my Pdoc wanted to know why I was in for so long.... 3 weeks - didn't seem so long to me.

You have given me food for thought. Much appreciated!

your brain seems to be working just fine 🙂

In response to: why am I angry

BlueBellsSenior Contributor11 May 2020, 11:58 pm AEST

Re: why am I angry

Hi @Daisies 🙂

Lots of hugs, warm silent hugs.

I tried when I was around your age. I got things like, as though I was thinking about "getting back at" everyone, making them feel sorry or something, or that I was being selfish. But it was about "me" , not other people, I was just trying to cope, for me.

Some people/professionals just can't see that.

I think on here, there will be other people who have been/are in the same situation as you.

I understand everything feels up the creek at the moment. I found just knowing others understand helped me feel more "normal".

Hugs 🙂

In response to: why am I angry

SharkcatContributor12 May 2020, 12:15 am AEST

Re: why am I angry

I'm in the same boat as you for some reason I'm still fighting like you.

A yes it is a fight we are in .i got to 53 and housed in a mental health place .And now I'm fighting them on bulling by mental health workers Yes the Workers.You will be strong because you are just to get to 50 and have your first attempt. LOOK UP DONT LOOK DOWN.

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