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Living alone with depression and self harm

SlinkyContributor10 July 2016, 10:09 pm AEST

Living alone with depression and self harm

Hi, I've only just found this site from an ad on tv. I've battled with depression on and off for many years. On the outside, people wouldn't have a clue... You can hide so much behind a smile. I have done self harm on multiple occasions. Though not once has it been for attention... It's simply a release of the emotional pain inside. You transfer the emotional pain into psychical pain as that hurts less. I left my partner of 5 years who struggled with OCD and anger management. I tried to leave multiple times without success and in the end after hitting rock bottom, I packed up everything of mine and left while he was at work one day. The grass was greener for a little while, but I soon realised that's it's a pretty cruel world out there. After getting played really bad, not by one, but two guys afterwards (with multiple dates in between) I've lost my trust in men and I'm now terrified of living the rest of my life alone. As I'm nearing 30, (I know some will say that's not old) I feel like I've missed the boat already and the only guys left are players and liars. I was sexually abused by my cousin at a young age, cheated on by my first and second partner, emotionally abused by my next then played twice. Ive watched my mum and dad go through a divorce and two of my brothers go through the same with young children. I could go into depth so much more as there are so many other things that just aren't right in my life and I just feel so lost and alone. I feel like I've achieved nothing that you are 'meant to' at this age. I feel like I'm alive but not living. I have no direction and am just in limbo. Suicidal thoughts creep into my mind more than ever before as I feel like I've been through enough already... and that really scares me. I've just started anti-depressants to hopefully stop the severity of the breakdowns and will start seeing a psychologist next week. Just wanted to know if anyone knows how to stop your mind from spiralling into that deep dark place, as at times I feel like I have no control...

15 replies

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In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

SlinkyContributor11 July 2016, 7:37 pm AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Just wanted to share a poem that I wrote which always helps me express my feelings. Some other people may feel a similiar way...

ACHING SOUL

An endless stream of negative thoughts

That can’t escape my mind

My future, my past and just all sorts

A solution I just cannot find

For pressures of the world are breaking me

So trapped like my hands are tied

I know I’m not who I want to be

This smiling face hides the pain inside

Falling in and out of love

Getting pulled in and pushed away

A rollercoaster of emotions, I want to get off

I sure as hell don’t want to live this way

I stare at my mirror as I sit on my bed

A tear streams over my cheek

An unfamiliar reflection, eyes stinging red

It’s simply love and acceptance that I seek

My once solid walls are starting to crack

A flood of inner demons are escaping their hold

My heart aches too much, I just can’t bare it

My sanity is becoming uncontrolled

Now where did those god damn scissors go!

My blades of silver cold steel

Found them, now slice and watch the blood flow

It’s amazing the release I feel

The pain subsides as I start to relax

And my conscience begins to kick in

Should I cease the fantasy and face the facts

Surely I’m committing a sin

Harming myself can my holy god forgive?

This heracy that I have done

A happier life I truly want to live

Wake another day to feel the warmth of your sun

My love, to someone I hope to give one day

Trust again and feel that spark

Tape together the pieces of this broken heart

Even though it’s already left its mark

Now these scars will always be with me

To remind when times were tough

When my soul was aching inside of me

When tears just weren’t enough

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

Unknown userMember11 July 2016, 9:02 pm AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Hi @Slinky, I understand some of what you are going through. You are definitely not alone with this. I'm still coming to terms with my stuff too and looking for ideas. Take care😊💜

Hey @Crazy_Bug_Lady. I followed the link (thanks @NikNik) and liked the thread of the coping box. My last psychologist tried something similar and made me a soothe box but I couldn't use it when I needed to because I felt like I didn't deserve the things in there. I think perhaps I'm ready to resurrect it now. I've been wondering how you are. I hope you are all back on track again💜😊

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

SlinkyContributor11 July 2016, 9:10 pm AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Thank you @Former-Member 🙂 I'll be interested to see what ideas my physchologist comes up with when I see her next week. Hope you get through everything and find happiness too. Guess that's why we are all here 🙂

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

Crazy_Bug_LadySenior Contributor11 July 2016, 9:23 pm AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Hey @Former-Member I feel the same when it comes to using my coping box. When I'm struggling I like to keep my hands busy, so I braid string and similar. I have a bracelet I made from cotton which I always wear. Most of the time that helps me when I'm close to SH, as I can fidget with that instead.

Struggling to lift my mood, but way better than I was.

@Slinky that poem was lovely. Do you like writing?? Could you maybe try writing when you are thinking of SH??

-CBL- 😊

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

1731LCSenior Contributor27 July 2016, 2:52 pm AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Hi I myself have just been told about this website.

Through a very caring friend.

I understand where you're coming from.

I fall into that deep black black hole.

I feel i am never ever going to climb out.

This went on for abt 10 days straight.

I really didnt want to be here.

I personally havent any idea on how to climb out.

I go with the flow absolutely hate it.

I feel it coming on, & think here i go again.

I moved interstate quite a while back.

I certainly wasn't thinking straight.

I couldnt believe i still had my Bipolar/Depression.

I think i thought it would be different, by moving.

It would be left behind. If Only!

It scares the crap out of me.

As i am thinking of moving back to where i were prior to the move.

I have realised it doesnt matter where i live.

My health issue's are with me for life.

I just couldn't move every time i feel miserable.

I am unable to hold a job down.

I ummm & ahhhh. Making choices.

I organise things, then pull out at the last minute.

I feel useless

I find it hard making friends.

As when i was growing up.

I wasnt allowed to visit friends or have friends visit me.

I would then run away from home.

I am aslo trying to deal with personal things thst happened within my family & my life growing up.

Right up to now in my life. Family issues.

I want to move back.

as i do have very good caring friends that i left behind

When i moved a while back.

i am just coming off a low. Slowly one step in front of the other.

I have so much to do.

Motivation i just am unable to start. 😠

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