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Living alone with depression and self harm

SlinkyContributor10 July 2016, 10:09 pm AEST

Living alone with depression and self harm

Hi, I've only just found this site from an ad on tv. I've battled with depression on and off for many years. On the outside, people wouldn't have a clue... You can hide so much behind a smile. I have done self harm on multiple occasions. Though not once has it been for attention... It's simply a release of the emotional pain inside. You transfer the emotional pain into psychical pain as that hurts less. I left my partner of 5 years who struggled with OCD and anger management. I tried to leave multiple times without success and in the end after hitting rock bottom, I packed up everything of mine and left while he was at work one day. The grass was greener for a little while, but I soon realised that's it's a pretty cruel world out there. After getting played really bad, not by one, but two guys afterwards (with multiple dates in between) I've lost my trust in men and I'm now terrified of living the rest of my life alone. As I'm nearing 30, (I know some will say that's not old) I feel like I've missed the boat already and the only guys left are players and liars. I was sexually abused by my cousin at a young age, cheated on by my first and second partner, emotionally abused by my next then played twice. Ive watched my mum and dad go through a divorce and two of my brothers go through the same with young children. I could go into depth so much more as there are so many other things that just aren't right in my life and I just feel so lost and alone. I feel like I've achieved nothing that you are 'meant to' at this age. I feel like I'm alive but not living. I have no direction and am just in limbo. Suicidal thoughts creep into my mind more than ever before as I feel like I've been through enough already... and that really scares me. I've just started anti-depressants to hopefully stop the severity of the breakdowns and will start seeing a psychologist next week. Just wanted to know if anyone knows how to stop your mind from spiralling into that deep dark place, as at times I feel like I have no control...

15 replies

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In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

Unknown userMember11 July 2016, 12:03 am AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Hi @Slinky

Welcome to our forum and I hope you can see that I've moved your post into a thread where others will be able to find the topic easily. The thread you originally posted in was the carer's side of the forums.

You have dealt with alot of difficult events and relationships in your young life and I'm glad to read you are receiving treatment now. I wish you well with your new psychologist and hope you can build a good rapport and trust together.

Those dark thoughts you talk about are well known to members here on the forum, and I'm sure that others will want to welcome you and engage in discussion about these issues you raise. Sometimes it takes a few hours before the chat evolves so keep checking back on this thread.

When you have a few minutes, read through our forum Guidelines here so that you are familiar with the do's and don'ts. We try to keep the forum as confidential and safe as possible for everyone.

I look forward to chatting with you again soon.

Kind regards,

Frog

In response to: Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

AppleblossomSenior Contributor11 July 2016, 12:27 am AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Hello @Slinky

Welcome to the forum. It is hard to know what one should have achieved at the different stages in life. @Crazy_Bug_Lady has an interesting life and vibrant relationships with animals and is single.

I hope you stabilise after a month on the meds and feel there are more opportunities for you in life. it sometimes takes a while.

I have been anti-dep on and off but mostly on ... for 16 years. I am a divorced single mum and interested in music and the arts.

I have also had periods where I self harmed but am glad to be able to say ...but with considerable caution as I dont want to get cocky and then spiral downward ... that I have not self-harmed since I have been on my meds.

It did take me more than medication as I needed mental strategies to work through through the pain and distract me from the pressure and drive to self-harm. There are many on the forum who have tried different ways to beat it ...

One idea that has been with me a bit lately is that Freud thought we had 2 main drives ... Eros and Thanatos ... that the first was dominant in the 1st half of life and 2nd in the latter. It makes sense in a way ... yet Eros ... and desire ... and creativity and .... still hang around a great deal ... and thanatos recedes ... I am 56 ... I am no longer as scared of thoughts of death or SI as I used to be ...

death is part of life ... and also can be a metaphor for thoughts, ways, dying and for us needing renewal in our hopes and direction in life ... i guess then it comes under spirituality ... or something like that.

Take care and share and post as you feel.

Apple

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

utopiaSenior Contributor11 July 2016, 12:48 am AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

So glad you found this forum @Slinky. And so glad you took the time to share some of what you are going through. I have depression and anxiety & ptsd. My depression and negative thoughts really spiraled out of control this year - to the point where I had awful thoughts of suicide. My psychologist suggested that I go to hospital, due to these thoughts. I ignored him. A week later I waa desperate. I got a referral to The Melbourne Clinic and 5 days later I was there. Almost instant relief. I knew I was safe there. I spent 26 days there and did a lot of therapy and a lot of crying. Been home for 5 weeks and it's like night and day. My negative self talk has almost disappeared & I can quiet my mind when I need to. It's not just that I no longer have thoughts of suicide, I no longer feel depressed. I go through my day & I'm noticing periods of happiness. It's a great feeling.
So, firstly it's fantastic that you're going to see a psychologist this week. Don't be afraid to explain how you are feeling. Be as ooen as you feel safe to be.
In the meantime you need to keep safe.
Yiu can ph LifeLine or Beyond Blue anytime you need to. You can also contact your local mental health team. And you can keep in touch with us here.
Hopefully others with similar experiences will join this conversation.
I hope you are able to get some sleep tonight.

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

Unknown userMember11 July 2016, 1:52 am AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Hi @Slinky, welcome!
Things sound like they've sure snowballed for you to the point of TOO HEAVY. I'm glad you are taking the initiative in seeking support and working through the pain and investing in your future.

Really hope the psychologist clicks with you next week. Give it a few sessions to settle in. Hope you gain skills there in self compassion therapy & mindfulness. These have helped me a lot with a similar journey to yours. Russ Harris has some good books on building these skills.

Antidepressants do take the edge off, for me, & level emotions a bit. But give it 3-4wks for them to really kick in. During this time try not to make any big or permanent decisions, take a break & be gentle with yourself - especially with what you think. Try force yourself to focus on good things now & then, as often as you think to, and really notice them, and saver the moment (take it in with a deep breath). This will balance the mind & strengthen you for the waves of darkness when they visit. I'm talking from my own experience here. As you learn more you will find your own methods & pass them on to others one day too.

About Suicidal Ideology, I know it well, unfortunately. Its horrible when the waves come. You must be in so much emotional pain for your mind to be taking you there so often of late. I really get it, the fear of not knowing what you're capable of or where that line is where you need to call someone (lifeline, suicidal callback service...) or an ambulance to take you to emergency for a psych assessment. I have had to use all of these, and there's no shame seeking help. You're worth it!
"While there's life there's hope"
Be gentle with yourself. Contract yourself not to act on dark thoughts bwfore calling someone &/or posting here.

Only a couple of weeks back i got through a terrible episode posting here for a couple of days, the thoughts were strong and frightened me. There was a handful of amazing saneforumites here that not only picked up on it but stuck weith me, said the right things and were wonderful to me, & i did call lifeline to voice it out. I'm still a bit embarrassed about it but nobody's given me a hard time & even noticed I've stabilized.

Keep posting honestly here about how you feel Slinky, it takes the edge off and you're less vulnerable than being alone.

Sorry if this is long, hope it helps a bit.

Big hugs 🌷

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

querentxyzSenior Contributor11 July 2016, 2:04 am AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Hi Slinky

There is plenty of time for you to experience life, what kinds of things would you like to do in future? This is a great opportunity to think about a career change?

Going for a walk is a really good thing to do when you are feeling like self harming. Another thing I have heard that is really good is eating red hot chillies! It is quite painful and it gives you a huge rush.

I have suffered very severely from depression in the past but there is a new life beyond depression, if you can imagine it and begin to build a life that you would like for yourself.

Hang in there!

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

SlinkyContributor11 July 2016, 8:08 am AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Thank you very much for moving the thread into the right place 🙂 It's nice to have a site like this to chat openly with people in the same boat without being judged

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

Crazy_Bug_LadySenior Contributor11 July 2016, 8:42 am AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Hi @Slinky
Welcome to the forums. I am so glad you have found us.
As @Appleblossom said, I live alone. Like you I am nearing 30.
I also struggle with self harm, but a combo if medication and therapy has helped. While I still have the urge to SH and some SI (suicidal ideation) I am amazed to say it has been a year since I have self harmed.
I made a thread on here last year about how to make a coping box. (@appleblossom would you be able to link to the thread for me?? I'm on my phone)
The idea bwhind the coping box is to have things to distract from self harm urges. I have a number of things like colouring in books, kinetic sand, dvds etc in mine. I also come on here to chat (mainly "the night shift" and "friday feast")
Also if you're struggling and need to talk there are various phone helplines, but also SANE and BeyondBlue offer chatline help if you don't like talking on a phone like me.

-cbl-

In response to: Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

NikNikSenior Contributor11 July 2016, 9:33 am AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Hi @Slinky

Welcome 🙂

@Crazy_Bug_Lady recommending the Coping Box thread is a great idea. I have linked it 🙂

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

SlinkyContributor11 July 2016, 11:36 am AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Thank you @NikNik, I'll definitely check it out

In response to: Living alone with depression and self harm

SlinkyContributor11 July 2016, 7:22 pm AEST

Re: Living alone with depression and self harm

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories! It's comforting in a way and nice to hear people's remedies and that many have recovered. I'll continue to read up on the forums for help 🙂

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