Fear of intimacy

I hear you @BlueBay

No - you are not terrible - and it is perfectly natural - and also - you have a right to your privacy

Here's the thing - men are different in many ways - and often - if they want sex - they will just take it - and if a man can perform - he will - and if he can't - he can't

But a woman is different - we are made differently - humans and some apes have sex for reasons other than procreation - and it seems to me that women are seen as being wrong and if she doesn't want to - yet if a man is in the mood - he can take her - whether she wants it or not

However - it isn't a case of only having sex when one member wants to - it has to be when both want to

There is a word jumping in and out of my head - a woman who doesn't want sex it frozen or something - it will come to me

I know you feel embarrassed - I know you do - but it's okay - really -

A man didn't want to believe I was in my 60s at the time - and we were on-line - he was just a young bloke in his 30s - and he said I had to be younger because I knew so much about sex - I knew it all the time - some young people think they invented it!!!!!!!

Anyway - you are not terrible - someone gave me advice - a man - that it was bad to deny a man sex - but I can't see why a woman has be

FRIGED - THAT IT - SOME MEN THINK SOME WOMEN ARE FRIGID

I don't believe that - a woman needs to be encouraged by a life full of little things - and I love you - a kiss goodbye that is more than a passing peck - consideration - in the world of nature the females have the say - but it's different with humans

We value the privacy of our bodies - and we have every right to have that

And sex can wait until you are through this bad time -

I feel as if I need to say more but I think I have you're not frigid - you're stressed

Decadian

No, at @BlueBay. Not terrible at all.

We are not machines ... we are people .... governed by feelings .... and to want to be intimate we need to feel comfortable and wanting to give and receive that way.

I is wonderful that your hisband wants to be intimate with you, but it also sounds like it is something that you need to take up with your therapist ,,..

Maybe hearing from others of us here will help you feel less embarrassed about raising it .... and God on you for raising it with us .... ! That takes courage, and you have done it, giving others who might like to the chance to comment themselves.

There are many reasons for wanting to avoid intimacy, not just the ones you are relating to, so it is probably a far more widespread situation than up you realise

I don't feel intimacy with my husband at the moment, but that is because his illness has changed him into someone I barely recognise at the moment. He feels like a stranger, and his behaviour has been anything but romantic towards me. His eating disorder, and perceived superiority in terms of his fitness and body form means he has judged me very harshly in regard to my body issues, which are a result of metabolic syndrome. I am working to a pattern according to medical advice I have received, but my family don't understand, or want to understand. They have been influenced, all of them to some degree or other, by the unhealthy relationship with food that has carried through my in-law family.

So all of that adds up to.a big, "No thank you !" for me ....

The severe regimen my husband is stuck in means that he us also in a constant state of exhaustion when he s not being temperamental or driven to exercise .... so he is in no fit state for an intimate relationship any way you look at it ....

@Faith-and-Hope @Decadian

I feel so embarrassed, I feel stupid now for even starting this post.

It's just so hard. Last night it was just me and hubby home, kids all out. Should be nice, just the two of us, right - well not so right.

We were watching the footy, I was on one end of the lounge he was on the other. My anxiety started to build up because I knew that hubby would want more than being intimate. By about 10.30pm i went to bed as I was tired. Then I get a stupid text msg from hubby who was upstairs watching telly saying 'what are yoiu doing'. I felt like saying WTF do you think I'm doing, I'm in bed trying to get to sleep. Next thing he comes downstairs to bed and I knew what was coming. So then in my head I was so negative, thinking of all the shit and stupid things that he does and doesn't even ask me how i am or how my sessions are and then when he wants it he just gets it.

I know I have a fear of being intimate and even a sexual contact with my hubby (this is so bad) and I close up to myself when I try to bring it up with my therapist. I think I need to write a note for my therapist and list how I feel, why I feel; what he does and doesn't do; and my anxiety.

Inside of me wants to scrream out - just stop, I am not interested but I don't because i then feel that i have upset him; hurt him and he would leave me.

This is so stupid, I shouldn't have started this post.

You know, this is the time of our lives when now the kids are going out or will leave home and what will happen - two of us just sitting.

Intimacy is not just about sex; it is about communication, sharing, You can't just expect sex without being caring, talking and sharing. Well that's how I feel anyway.

It sounds like you can get your feelings out there when you can write them down @BlueBay.

And you are so right about this -

"Intimacy is not just about sex; it is about communication, sharing, You can't just expect sex without being caring, talking and sharing."

Any therapist will support you in that statement ....

I am hopeful that my hubby will be diagnosed and treated sometime soon ... and that we can get to a point of getting ourselves back into the right place ... but that might take couples counselling further down the track for us.

Do you think you could start the ball rolling with your husband ? Tell him that you would like to do something p, just the two of you, that is romantic, but doesn't involve the bedroom ? Do you think he would respond to a little challenge, now that you are "empty-nesters" a bit more often ? He might not have even thought about it .....

Would he sit down and do a jigsaw puzzle with you ? Or maybe go to a massage class together ?

These are things I am going to suggest to my hubby when I can get his head out of his wonky health and fitness regimen and thinking about real life again ...

@Faith-and-Hope

I do enjoy bike riding and so does he; so once we can buy some new helmets and a new bike for me we will start riding together down the beach tracks. And once spring and summer comes it will be great.

A puzzle - never thought of that; we could try that.

I think you're right we need to do something to bring us back together without having sex.

And I think once the weather gets warmer again we can go camping. We have a tent and everything else we need so we can go away now knowing that his mum is in care and will be looked after.

Little mini breaks, weekends away always is good. But i also don't want the pressure that we have to have sex on a certain night all the time. That's where I think I don't like it and I get so angry.

I hope that your hubby gets diagnosed soon. It must be so hard for you and the kids.And then you too can be able to get your life back on track.

I guess it's one of those things that when you get married all your time and effort and love is put into raising our children. And then all of a sudden our children are adults and they start to move out. Then what happens - we as husband and wife are left just sitting there wondering what the hell do we do or talk about. (well that's how it feels for me anyway)

Yeah @BlueBay, It's really common at our age, but all the time and energy that went to raising the family needs to be turned around and put back into the marriage at that point .... but it does take thinking about .... and thinking about each other .... and starting to share couples-experiences again.

Mostly it just takes a bit of thinking about, and maybe some creativity ....

You could hide something special in the house and send him on a treasure hunt for it .... write a note in a small envelope that he has to work out like "look in the blue box in the bathroom" which might be the laundry hamper, and then have a note in a small envelope in there that says "look in the flower pot by the front door", and so on. And maybe it's a DVD and a bottle of something to drink together in a basket on a kitchen chair or something that he finds at the end of it ...

You might find him doing one for you too sometime ...

🌷💕

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope

I will work on this and speak with my therapist and psych as well.

Thanks for your suggestions, they are really good suggestions. Or even having a date night where I book somewhere for dinner but not tell him where and surprise him. And if I am lucky he could do the same!!!

That's it ❣

Sometimes the menfolk don't even know what the relationship needs to kick-start it again. You will be showing him how ❣

Yes @BlueBay

This is a very difficult stiuation for you and not stupid at all

And I agree that it is something that you need to speak with your counsellor about

Also - couples counselling would help too

It is a good question - what will you do when your children leave?

When our daughter left - it was all over for us - I had waited a long time for the time to split

So it's best to sort this out before the time comes and it's not stupid at all - and this is a safe place to bring the subject up to air

Tough Stuff

Decadian

I think it is honest and courageous to put it out there @BlueBay.

Sex is a relational thing. The whole person needs to be involved and woo-ed.

When I was married I overcame my hurt feelings and reluctance and still went along with husband's sexual desires ... and then I would cry for days after. Once I had left fulltime work and become a stay at home mum he was very cynical and put me down a lot. I just accepted it as normal, and thought I should still acquiesce to his demands... but in the end I was a wreck of tears and not very desirable.

I have stayed a way from men since I left ... 16 years ... maybe not forever... I have bad hair days to keep men away and also experiment with how I look and feel ... about being attractive .. or asexual, or an old crone, or be practical and wear jeans and my old field trip boots.

I have had to periods of celibacy ... tried it for 18 months before I met the husband and 16 oops-edited years since ... says a lot I think .. I am not really that up tight about sex ... in theory ... I was experimental when I was young ... to remove all the scary catholic mystery and hocus pocus about it ... but as my neck became so bad and hurt when I coughed or sneezed during my marriage ... I did not think I was really up for the big O. So have gone for the calm with music and cats in my bed and no sex. Really if it works ... and they care ... then go for it ... but otherwise ... I have thought of going gay ... but not sure about that either .. lol