New to this Forum: Caring for teenager (undiagnosed)

Hey,

Sorry this is happening. It sounds really tough and the behaviour sounds very similar to my brother so I can really empathise with having to deal with it.

I'm not an expert on relationships and families, but I think one of the first steps that may help is if you and her father can get on the same wave length and have the same parenting approach. I'm talking from experience when my mother and father were on different pages and my sibling would use that to their advantage.

Would him and you be able to access some kind of counselling or support together so that you are able to talk about how to work together in helping your daughter?

It is very easy for someone to say to use tough love when they're not the parent. You don't need to kick her out of her house and send her to the army, however I think clear boundaries may help. Does she contribute towards paying for internet, etc?

I feel your pain...my 19 yo daughter diagnosed with bpd left school exact time as your daughter gave up jobs, now unemployed and has smoked cannabis constantly for 3 years. Violence in the past verbally and physically in the past, 3 rehab visits but goes straight back. Thought we were on a better path with therapy group and psychiatrist & medication but as of today will not go to therapy. Visits to psychiatrist took 2 months to get into see after last rehab discharge. It's a confusing web of waiting and just feeling helpless. I don't really have any answers maybe a young persons private psych facility? If you have cover and if she will agree. My husband and I are at our wits end, don't sleep much and I feel continually miserable looking at everyone else's well adjusted children and my nightmare! It does help hearing from other people though. I just found this group again and am trying to work my way around it.

Thank you

My plan after our renos was to go to counselling as a couple - not sure he'd agree but worth a try.

Our 12 year old now says she is also depressed and that she is self harming herself and wants a therapy dog. My husband thinks she is just trying to manipulate us into getting another pet and hasn't said much else since the revelation/confession. Now I have two kids to watch over mental-health-wise. At least I am used to it I guess.

I hear you KMH - the ultimate frustration - when you can see a path to help them (and let's face it help OURSELVES by giving US quality of life for once) and they won't budge. It seems to be such selfish behaviour - love me even though I am almost unloveable - so deal with it Mum & Dad!

Seeing and talking to other families with normal teens - even if they are a bit disruptive or oppositional - is definately depressing in itself. I feel like I am in a prison at times or in a freak show.

When she wakes up at lunch time I feel immediately anxious about what level of angry she will be in. She's just woken up... agian looking for her lost wallet, storming around (I spent hours looking for it with her yesterday but we couldn't find it) and my prompts on where it was last used, where it might be only serve to anger her more.

I am reading a book by Randi Kreger on BPD so I will see what info that imparts.

Firstly, I just want to say how difficult your situation sounds. The lack of support and places to turn can feel insurmountable and until you are in the bracket of needing assistance dealing with mental health in your family, you can't understand how far short we fall as a society in helping/supporting families in crisis. After what sounds like a long time advocating for your daughter, I'm not surprised you feel frustrated and having a partner on a completely different page must make it so much harder. Three attempts at suicide must be heartbreaking but over the course of three years there must have been many up and downs and it is not surprising you have other feelings around your daughters behaviour and feel resentful at times, especially if you have a partner who is making you feel you need to change your approach.

i am fairly new to this whole world of mental health and am not even six months down the track in my own daughters journey but have come to this website for I guess some kind of support. We have a very different scenario but the one thing I believe is in common is that we maybe can't understand why they may act the way they do and everyone then in turn reacts differently. My daughters dad also struggles in different ways to how I do in seeing her behaviour but all I think at the end of the day is that your daughter and mine may all be using different means but the essential message they all have in common is distress. It is their own way of communicating this feeling of distress and if you can try to see it as that instead of a purposeful action against everyone but more their way of showing their distress it may help.

My daughters father would become frustrated and almost annoyed at her inability to control herself but when I talked about it being more about it being her only way of expressing how distressed she felt, it seemed to help him find a more compassionate approach.
I really don't know if this will be able to help you in your circumstance but you are very valid in your feelings, it sounds like you are trying to hold everything together, you are being pulled and pushed from all sides. I believe that deep down your daughter sees your support and resilience but just hasn't yet found a way to conquer her anxiety in a less destructive way.

It truly sounds like you are doing an amazing job in trying to keep your daughter on the right path, mothers have a huge nurturing instinct for what's needed in their children so don't let others make you feel that you can't trust that. I don't want to argue with my ex if I can avoid it but when it comes to my daughters wellbeing, I'll always pick "that" battle, they're the ones worth fighting for and trust me she knows you are there for her.

It sounds like things are very tough. I would suggest at the minimum trying to seek either family counselling or at least personal counselling for yourself so that you have support at this time to help you cope. It's difficult as your daughter is clearly very distressed, but she also needs some boundaries. And if she won't engage then that makes things worse and difficult to access supports.

As terrible as this sounds, I would be tempted to look into alternative accommodation for her and suggest that she moves there if she cannot abide by some basic limits in the home. She is vulnerable, but she is also an adult and she clearly has capacity to make decisions for herself. Maybe that's what she needs right now - to be given a choice to make her own decisions - either stay and engage with counselling, or to leave and live in some supported style of accommodation if she is eligible.

I would also add same as a previous reply from someone else - if your daughter feels understood this may go a long way. Have you asked why she is so angry at everyone, including herself?