Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Running out of steam

TatsindaSenior Contributor30 Sept 2014, 7:31 pm AEST

Running out of steam

Hi - I've been with my husband for around 17 years, and he's been depressed since before I met him. We only figured out it was a clinical illness around 7 or 8 years ago, and he was extremely defensive about getting a diagnosis. He finally went to see a doctor 2.5 years ago and went on meds. He has recently started seeing a good psychologist. For me, it's been a massive draining journey with him, getting him to see he needed help and then helping him access it. We had a lot of unhelpful relationship patterns build up over the years where I was basically enabling him in his distorted reality. I have had counselling myself which has really helped me put new boundaries in place and start looking after myself properly.
We have three young kids and a large part of the battle in recent years has been protecting them from his negativity and judgement, helping him to parent well, covering for him when he is exhausted, and dealing with his guilt tripping me over the time parenting takes me (compared to how much I used to invest in his issues).
On the plus side, when he is well he is great and we have a good marriage. He does want to be well and to be a great husband and father. He has always been able to work and provide for us. And he is prepared to work at getting better, even if he wishes he didn't have to.
But I am feeling really over it all. He wants me to cut him some slack while he works on getting better, but I am sick of putting up with things like rudeness towards me and the kids. We keep having stupid squabbles (we are both tired most of the time which doesn't help) which he escalates to a depressed state where the world is against him.
I wish I could live with someone who is not so negative all the time, who lifts the mood rather than bringing it down, and who was more stable and able to be kinder to themselves and others.
I am 100% committed to my marriage and I do have hope that in time to therapy will bring positive changes, but at the moment, I just feel miserable, and like he thinks because he agreed to get some help, I should just be sucking it up when he is rude.
Thanks for reading, it's good to get that all out!

12 replies

11 - 12 of 12

1 2

In response to: Running out of steam

Kiera80Senior Contributor20 Jan 2015, 9:59 am AEDT

Re: Running out of steam

@Tatsinda

I don't know if this is going to be of any help at all but reading your post I can see how much you are struggling to cope in your relationship and with looking after the kids too.

I see that there is hope there with your husband seeking help and being on medication and that he does have good times too. That's really good. Thinking about there being light at the end of this dark tunnel is something to keep focusing on.

When was the last time both of you spent some quality time together without the kids? I mean like a date that feels special to both of you. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, maybe even a picnic in a nice place one day, maybe a nice romantic dinner or a night at the movies. Just some quality time away from home where you both can just be together and enjoy one anothers company. I wonder if that will help your husband on his journey to want to get better.

When your husband is around include him as much as possible when you're playing with the kids. Do lots of fun stuff that will also put a smile on his face.

Does he have any hobbies that you and the kids can also join in on? Are there any things going on in your community that he might like to go to with you and the kids?

I'm trying to think of things that you can try to reverse the negativity and put everyone in a better mood.

Have you had a chance to bring up with him how much it hurts you when he is rude to you and the kids? Expressing your feelings is important. Do you have any strategies you can put in place when he does this?

In response to: Re: Running out of steam

TatsindaSenior Contributor13 Feb 2015, 9:32 pm AEDT

Re: Running out of steam

Hi Keira80, thanks so much for your thoughtful comments, sorry it's taken me a couple of weeks to get around to a reply! We did have regular weekly dates last year which was very helpful in keeping the lines of communication open and building fun into the relationship. We haven't gone out without the kids so far this year but it is a very good idea!
I have done a lot of work on myself over the last couple of months and am taking quite a different approach to things now. I will probably do another post on the topic of codependency, which is a big issue for me, but basically I have been working on looking after myself and letting him look after himself, and making sure I have clear boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. All I can control is how I respond to things and I have said very clearly that I won't put up with rudeness or negativity towards me or the kids. He doesn't like when I speak up when he oversteps the mark but it does help - he takes some time out and it just prevents things escalating further a lot of the time. It is tiring to feel like I have to be on alert at times and I feel sad that it is necessary. However It it is a much healthier way of being than me stewing on things and walking on eggshells.
Also he has taken up a hobby recently that gives him a bit of time away from family life which overall is good. Sometimes I feel like I get left looking after the kids on my own too often but it is preferable to him sitting around with a black cloud over his head. I am still thinking through how to look after my own needs when I feel like it's all a bit unfair...still mulling that one over.

11 - 12 of 12

1 2