Running out of steam

Hi @Tatsinda

Welcome to the forums!

Thank you for sharing your story, I suspect there are alot of carers who can relate to your story.

It sounds like big steps have been taken, not just with your husband finding a good psychologist, but also looking after yourself - seeking help, making boundaries etc.

It's so hard when you know that someone's behaviour isn't "them" as such, but the illness. On one hand you don't want to be treated badly and you want to keep your boundaries, but on the other hand, you know it's their illness causing their behaviour.

It seems like you have both sought out counselling, which is great. Have you been to an appointment together to work on relationship specific matters?

Again, welcome to the forums. Have a look around, make yourself comfortable & I'm sure other members will have some insights to share - maybe @Cazzie @Used2Be and/or @PeppiPatty will have something to add?

I can relate to much of what you're going through. My husband was diagnosed about 12 years ago, even though I knew from his behaviour patterns that he was in trouble a good two years beforehand. Even now my husband spends a lot of his time in denial.

The first thing I'm going to say is that, on a scale of 1 - 5, you come first, then your three children, then your husband. Sounds harsh doesn't it? The fact is your husband is now getting help outside the house. He has counselling and medication. It's time to look after you and your children. You don't say whether you work outside the house. If you don't, use the time he's at work as respite. Find a support group in your local area, join a craft group, a library - anything that is just for you - so you can find yourself again. I've found quilting for my creative outlet. When things used to get too much I'd just sink into a book, sometimes more than one, but since I've found my craft group, built my craft shed and started with my own counseller (this very recent) I now read for pleasure again, instead of as an escape from reality.

This is something I understand really well. It has taken me 12 years to get counselling just for me. I had been to see the psychologist with my husband for years. Not every visit after the first couple of months but certainly at least every second visit. Even though I now have my own counsellor I still go with my hubby for his psychologist appointments. The number of times I've wanted to tell my husband to "snap out of it" or "get over it and move on" are just beyond counting. Frustration levels reach above boiling point. Anger spikes every time he was rude, either because he'd been drinking or just because he wasn't coping, had to be controlled because arguing with him just made thing worse. I learned to wait for the next day when sobriety kicked in or for when he was feeling in the mood to talk to broach the subjects that were causing irritation, upset or pain. While it worked for me this won't necessarily work for you.

Attending appointments with your husband's psychologist is something I thoroughly recommend. It's easy for him to say that he's told the psychologist the truth but if you're not there you don't really know. The psychologist should encourage this also. Firstly it shows your support for your husband but secondly it gives two-way feedback so you both get out, in a neutral space, what you're both going through and helps to sort out coping mechanisms for you to work at together. Always remember, it's HIS illness but it's YOUR FAMILY'S problem.

These are all solutions that have worked for me. I hope that being part of these forums you'll be able to find something that will work for you. It's not an easy path we choose when we love someone with MI.

Hi Cazzie

I have been reading your post and wonder if the underlying problem is alcoholism? Drinking and depression (as well as chronic anxiety) often co-exist. Anyway - YOUR welfare is most important, whether he would admit to the alcoholism or not. I found I needed to detach from my husband when he was acting rudely, either sober or drunk. I have learnt not to get into an argument which only causes further hurt or misunderstandings. My wonderful support group is called "Al-Anon Family Groups" which accepts me as I am - the only requirement for membership is that my husband's drinking has caused me problems and I needed to find a group of people who understood what it is like to live with this. Such a relief to know other members understand! Helpline is 1300 252 666 and website is: www.al-anon.alateen.org/australia

Of course alcohol(ism) is a problem. Note the brackets! The pychiatrist most recently attended stopped short of this diagnosis (which wouldn't have been accepted by the patient anyway) and simply put it that he was a "regimented drinker". This is because he doesn't drink before 4:30 or 5:00pm Monday to Friday. It's usually lunchtime, or a bit after on weekends though. Apparently drinking between 6 and 19 standard alcoholic beverages a day doesn't constitute alcoholism in the eyes of this psychiatrist. He does however go on to say that my DH would be much better off if he stayed sober (ie didn't drink at all). This of course went over like a lead zeppelin with my DH. Let's face it, my DH has already stated that if he's given the ultimatum of quit drinking or die he's quite like to die a happy drinker.

As to whether his drinking causes problems - again, of course it do but only for me. You see, his drinking isn't a problem for him so therefore it can't possibly be one for me. Just ask him, he'll tell you.

Oh dear, my cynicism is showing this afternoon. I shall have a nice long chat with my counsellor tomorrow afternoon and hopefully work off some of my discontent.

Hi @Tatsinda , @Cazzie (again ), @PeppiPatty @Alessandra1992 and @lucky

Just a quick note let you all know that tomorrow night (Tues 20th), we will be running a topic about respite.

I would love for you all to attend, whether it be to ask questions or if you have your own experiences with respite that you'd like to share.

It starts at 7pm AEDT.

You can find the discussion here

Hope to see you there

NikNik