Self-care - Why can it be so hard?

hi @Shaz51 and @Former-Member

yes, i feel very guilty when i can do something nice for myself, because i have never worked and always been on the dole i am not deserving of any nice things, and i have been told from family and family friends that people like me deserve nothing and that we are a drain on society.

i try to do things that help others. donating to sane and other charities and try to just enjoy nature, it is the only free thing i can enjoy where i live.

i also feel guilty about resting or sleeping because it reenforces society views on people like me. i try not to listen to what others say but after hearing it over and over on tv, and in society. after a while you start to believe it.

i never wanted to use others, but when my life was shattered by others abuse i had no choice.

ohh my awesome friend @Jacques , you are soo worth it my friend , you are helping sooo many people

you do need time for yourself , i knowit is hard xoox

Thanks @Shaz51 for the tag.

This was actually a topic in a counciling session I recently had. My struggle has been that I don't know what self care is to me. If I go and do something for myself (day spa, nails done, coffee date with a friend) I don't feel refreshed or anything really.

How am I supposed to feel after 'self care'?

I find that because of this issue I don't seek the self care as much as I should.

1 thing I have started doing is I joined a book club and have been dedicating time before bed for a chapter or so. I've never really set time aside like this but I've been proud of myself for it.

Love to everyone else

When I was struggling after hubby's last crisis @Mrsjones I had lost my mojo and at times things that I used to find enjoyable felt more like a chore. As I took steps toward my own healing, moments of joy began to return, most of these as a result of persistence. Whilst at times it did feel like homework, I knew if I made the effort I would eventually be rewarded.

@Former-Member, yep, been there, done that. I had to make a very conscious effort to get out into the garden. Still haven't managed getting myself back into reading books. I've started novels and then life happens, and by the time I pick it up again it's been so long that I've lost the thread. So if I'm going to get that back, it needs to be something shorter. And definitely light hearted.

Hey @Jacques, we get that. We've both ended up on Centrelink DSP payments... really as "burnt out carers", but officially, that doesn't count as a reason. So you have to get so burnt out that you qualify for some other reason before help kicks in.

We were trying really hard to be self supporting after time on parenting payment/recovering from a serious health emergency... then our Older Daughter when seriously downhill, plus other extended family unwell/ageing. It was hard having to give up our plans and preparations, but I was talking about this with a friend the other day, and concluded that we're on a payment that allows us to be available for others as they need it, alongside having "permission" to look after ourselves. Job search payments are less forgiving though. There badly needs to be more recognition of psychological factors and their effect on a person's life.

But yeah, there's plenty of people on assorted government payments who may not be contributing to the nation's cashflow, but are still contributing in other ways that are invaluable. And honestly @Jacques, I very much get the idea that you are one of those people, not the "other" sort.

Thank you for your amazing reflections @Smc @Mrsjones @Shaz51 @Jacques @Former-Member @Tay @Jay-e @Escaped_Goat 💚

I'm hearing that there are physical and practical barriers to self-care... not having the space or perhaps for some the time. You've also brought up beliefs that come up when we think about self care... not feeling worthy or that you need to be stoic to get through life. It is also a great point that self-care might feel like a chore or strange if that is not how we've learned to get through life.

But you've also mentioned how you can work with these barriers! As humans we are in a relationship with ourselves as well as others - sometimes we relate to ourselves with kindness and care, and sometimes this is hard.

What tools do you use to switch on that kindness towards yourself?

One tool I try to use to switch on that kindness is to imagine a friend in my position.... What would I say? Would I encourage them to get some rest, to go easy on themselves? We are often more compassionate to others than ourselves so this can be a strategy to switch on some self-compassion. What are your tools?

@Former-Member I'm going to try to think of myself in the third person for a while when it comes to self care and see if comes easier. I'm so much better at thinking of others... it might just work. I'm certainly failing myself at the moment and that's not a good thing.

@Escaped_Goat, I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. If you find that exercise supportive it can be another tool in your toolbox, but if it doesn't work for you that's okay too 🌻

I was doing ok till my gym had to close