Tough Times

You sure your not a psychology teacher @Zoe7 cause everything you just said could have easily come out of the mouth of my psychologist. Although she is pushing me the other way. Telling me that my boys will survive and be ok if I took some time out to take care of myself.
All that you wrote is very true. I have to take care of somethings here first before I take care of me. Yes I feel kind of like a ticking time bomb but I won't be able to concentrate on getting better knowing that there are still things that have to be taken care of within my family.
I know I have medical support from my GP and psych and I also am very grateful for the the support I get here as well. in That respect I am not alone and I am cared for. I am talking more along the lines of family and friends who can be here for me. That I am lacking greatly.
Being able to do the simple things right now feel like massive mountains I have to climb. Everyday I try and motivate myself to do a few things but end up not accomplishing anything and always go to bed feeling defeated then wake up the next morning and try again. Right now the only distraction I can muster is sitting with my son and helping with his schooling and even then I can only do a couple hours and mum then has to take over. I have taken a massive step back from where I was about 3 months ago where I was functioning well and able to deal with things a lot better. Yes I still had things that I had to work on i.e flashbacks, triggers anxiety but it was a lot less frequent and severe. Now I just feel like I am never going to be able to pull myself out of the massive hole I have dug.

thank you so much Zoe for taking the time to write that huge post. It truly means a lot to me. ❤️

Hey @Former-Member Hugs to you too Hon

Hey @Lee82 me again lol...

You do not have to move mountains at the moment Hon - you simply can't do that so do not be hard on yourself. Acknowledge that there are only one or two things you can get done in the day and understand that doing those is a positive. It is so hard when depression sets in to do anything so the fact you are still doing some things is amazing - give yourself the credit for the things you ARE doing and not scold yourself for those you have not been able to do. We are truly our own worst enemies when things begin going downhill - acknowledge that you are not well, you need support and you cannot do everything you once could ....and no-one expects you to be able to Hon.

You are also working with your son to help him learn and even though your mum needs to take over at some stage you are still giving him that time - another positive. Home learning is very difficult for everyone - it is new, it is hard and it takes a lot of time - you are certainly not alone with having difficulties with it and I am super impressed that despite how you are travelling at present that you are doing as much as you are - that really is something Hon 👍

I hear you about your family support and not having much outside of your support team but your Mum is there for you at the moment - it is again super hard because you expect in the future for her to bring that up and hold it over your head - but we also cannot predict the future and she may surprise you... at the very least you may be well enough to stand up for yourself and speak your needs - but none of that will happen quickly and will take you time to work through.

It took me 47 years to finally stand up for myself with my mother but the more I did it the easier it has become - having those boundaries in pace are important but that can also only happen once you have moved through this present situation and become a little stronger within yourself ...one step at a time Hon - as is said 'Rome wasn't built in a day" and neither is our own voice or sense of self worth - we are all a work in progress in that repsect - and of course life is still a rollercoaster - but being on the ride is better than the alternative (is that enough cliches for you for one evening??? )

I am definitely very hard on myself and am my own worst critic. Something I have been trying to work on with my psych. I think that comes from being put down all my life from my mum and being treated like sh** all my life too. When you are called so many things over and over again for many years you can't help but believe them. I am working on trying to change my view of myself and built some self esteem. I must say that is not going great at all.
I feel I will never be able to stand up to mum. I don't know what it is but she has something over me. Its debilitating. She over powers me completely. I am not her favourite person right now and so living under her roof at the moment is very uncomfortable and scary. I'd be lucky if she says more than a couple things to me. I am still trying to win her approval something I have fought for 37 years.
@Zoe7

Hey lovely, how are you feeling tonight? @Zoe7 💖

I do understand that vicious cycle in regards to your self-esteem @Lee82 I too am far from liking myself or feeling any sense of self worth but I do also hold onto some of the smaller things much better now than I used to. It is very much an ongoing 'project' and like you there is so much history of being put down and made feel worthless to overcome. I do not think I ever will completely get over that but it does not always rule my life now either. One of the biggest obstacles I had to overcome (somewhat) is in knowing myself and being happy with who I am at the core. The reality there is also that it is not because of what I have been through but in spite of it that I have develop who I truly am. I would change so much of my life in a heartbeat if I could but everything I have been through has also made me who I am - and I am more than happy with most parts of Me. I do often say that we are made who we are because of the experiences we have had but they do not define us either. One of the biggest, and hardest, things for me to realise is that we cannot change the past - and yes it bites us on the bum often - but it is how we deal with it that gives us our strength and our courage ....and I see both of those in you in spades.

As for your relationship with your Mum - it is up to you how you approach that ...and I say that with care as I do know how much of an impact that disapproval, tension and constant put downs both shape and deflate us. But in spite of that you have built a life for yourself - you have wonderful kids and they are lucky to have you as their mum. You also will not repeat any of the patterns of your own Mum because you see how hard they have been on you - so you have that advantage already. Yes you need to be staying with your mum at the moment for your own safety and support - but remember also that she did take you in rather than going straight to hospital - so even though it is hard and uncomfortable it is giving you a little more time to deal with the things you need to before you fo go for a break. It certainly is not the ideal situation - and I can only imagine those feelings of the past resurfacing while you are there - but the focus here is getting through, making your sons appointments and then concentrating on yourself.

Hey @Former-Member Not too bad - still not 100% but better than I have been the last few days. Headache has gone - still bouts of nausea but could eat again today so that is a bonus. Having lots of Toby cuddles tonight and loving it. How are you travelling this evening?

I see and feel just how much you have been through and I also can feel just how far you have come @Zoe7

You should be very proud of yourself. I know you still have a long ways to go but it seems you have come so far too. I admire you Zoe. 💜

Thanks Hon - I actually admire you @Lee82 You continue to reach out for help and support and know you need it - that takes self awareness and courage - so you should also be proud of yourself

@Zoe7 , I am glad the headache is gone and you where able to eat today. What kind of animal is Toby? I have two rescue animals that where meant to be mine but my puppy has claimed D2 and my kitty has claimed D3 and only want me for food. 😂

Honestly I am struggling it's been a shocker of a couple of days and I am feeling a little more lost and empty.