Hey @Lee82 You really are in a tough pace Hon. Firstly - you are not alone - you have your psych, GP and us here behind you and supporting you through this. I do know that does not alleviate your fears, thoughts or needs at the moment but it does give you an outlet to talk about them - and often talking eases that pain and sense of isolation just a little.
I can hear how much you want to be there for your son - and that is important in your life presently - and that is more than okay. Often there are things we need to do before we can find the time and space for ourselves - and this seems very much like something you need to do for both him and you. Whilst we may say you need to look after yourself first in order to look after others - there are also times that looking after others is looking after ourselves - and this seems to be one of those cases.
Some of those 'simpler' things like showering, eating, sleeping, going for a walk, etc. are not as simple when you are feeling like you are presently but they are also super important to help you get through each day. I know you are also homeschooling so you are working on the needs of your children in a positive way - that is not easy when you are not coping well yourself but you should give yourself massive credit for doing that Hon. Next is applying some of that routine and structure into the day for yourself - treat it as if you would a work day - get up, get dressed (shower if you can), have something for breakfast (again what you can eat to give you some energy to get through themorning), clean your teeth, brush your hair (the little thiongs we often forego when we are not well), then work on the homeschooling with your kids - but have fun with it. You do not need to have them sitting down for hours on end doing all the work - take them out into the garden to count the flowers, maybe pick some to have on the table to see what you have done. Go for a walk together and count all letterboxes you see with a specific number on it (my favourite is 7 so I would count all the 7s), lay outside on the grass and look at the sky then get them to draw what they see - do things that you too can touch, see, feel, smell as that will also help you distract your own thoughts and engage them in learning in different ways.
Above all allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and then have something you can concentrate on afterwards. Our thoughts and feelings are there for a reason - they do not discriminate and do not know the 'right' time to occur - but if we can put in place some distractions then we can take baby steps to move through then and on from them quicker. That in no way means you will be 'over' them or 'over' feeling as you are but it may help ease the intensity of them for a while.
When you have gotten through all these appointments with your son then you can take that time out in hospital for yourself - with the internal voice allowing you to tell yourself that you have both been there for your son when he really needed you and also been there for yourself. Loving oneself, living with onself and also acknowledging that you are doing neither is in fact a very positive thing to admit. It takes just as much courage to admit you need help as it does to acually receive it - the first step is that realisation and voicing of your concers - which you have done here - the next step is moving towards a place where you can receive that help in a way that would be most beneficial for you ...and only you can decide when that is, how that should look and what will help you the most.
It has taken great courage to lay it al out here for us this evening and that is something you can take on board as a real positive - you matter, you deserve support and you are not alone.
