I'm really struggling atm

Hi @Former-Member

I'm sorry to read that you're not travelling very well tonight. Has something in particular happened to trigger this?

This community is a wonderful sounding board if you want to work through different options to help yourself and what would be helpful.

Although, if you are feeling distressed tonight, it might be more productive to work on getting through hour by hour.

Do you have any thoughts on what would be more helpful tonight?

Hi @Former-Member

Are these feelings something new ?

@NikNik

Thanks for your message and connecting with me Nik. I've had a few triggers this week- the first one was going back to see my EP (exercise physiologist). I find him to be quite instruive and often just puts me down and tells me, I am not much good etc without any evidence of this, and in no way would ever speak to someone like this. Its not in my nature and I don't see how talking to somone like this is going to be helpful or to build a postive relationship with them.

I know I need to make changes in my life because I can't continue on like this. I can make contact with a private clinic on Monday morning about possible admission. I have specialist appointment Monday for a physical condition and that will get me out of the house on Monday for most of the day becauase I have to travel 90 mins each way . The specialist I am seeing on Moday I have know for 26 years. But I don't think I can talk to him about what is happening for me because we don't have that kind of relationship.

But getting through tonight, I think I will just stay on my laptop, take a warm shower, and have some supper. I am not sure if its a good idea for me to write out what I want to see change and how I mite make these changes. I know I have to make my mind up about what I want to do next week- re hospital. I just worry about going back into hospital because I will be faced with the same problems when I return. I just feel really bad and I think I have nothing to offer anyone and that I have no skills or talent.

And just can't come up with a plan or think I am worthy of any sort of help.

@Faith-and-Hope

I don't think the feelings are new but I am finding it harder to get through them if that makes sense. I feel that my depression is relatively new and still don't know what may have caused it etc I would like to understand this more. Thank you for the message

@Former-Member

I'm in my bedroom atm. What stands out in my room are some of my pictures and a wind chime. When I think about these things I feel some warmth and comfort from them.

I have my staffy dog tucked up in bed with me and that is nice to have her close by. I can hear the TV in the loungeroom.

I pat my dog (Kira) and she is really soft and warm. My dog is 9 years old (staffy) and I love her to bits.

Hi @Former-Member

It sounds like you are seeking professional help re the depression, and that is good ... they will know what they are doing in trying to locate the base cause for that ...

In your first paragraph to Nik you did answer something for yourself .... you said that the negative tone of your coach is impacting on your self-esteem .... so you have identified a problem right there that you can take action over (presumably) ....

Can you apply a little escapism tonight, just to distract yourself and focus on something with a fantasy element for a little while ?

If I set you the task of scrap-booking images of things you find appealing, restful, enchanting, attractive ... do you think you could copy and paste images that appeal to you for whatever reason ..... a beautiful sunset over water, travel destinations, beautiful food pictures like amazing occasion cakes, fashion items, nature walks, funny animals, etc into a folder, or onto a desktop backdrop .... ?

Also, as an artist, I often hear people say that they are not artistic at all .... most art forms are based on skill development rather than raw talent, and that goes for many, many things in life. My grandmother went back to uni at 73 years old, because she and my grandfather had spent many years collecting gemstones with a gemstone club, and she wanted to learn how to cut them herself to make brooches and things with them. So she went and studied lapidary - at 73 years old !

Its never too late to take on something new. Consider an area you would like to start building skills in, and there is a spectrum as to how you approach it too - self-help books in the library, beginners classes, craft classes for hobbyists, TAFE courses, cooking classes for fun, etc

I hope something in this mixed bag appeals to you and sounds helpful ....

🌷🌸💕

@Faith-and-Hope

I do have some help for the depression but I am finding it is not enough for me. So with that being said I think I need to go back into hospital and find the hospital that is going to help me.

You are right I do have self esteem problem and I don't have much self worth or confidence. I did think about the EP and what action I can take their and I know I should be thinking about what is best for me. I am paying for this service and obviously I can go somewhere else. Or I can take up a hobby that includes exercise, when I was growing up I really enjoyed swimming and I am not a bad swimmer- I am actually quite a strong swimmer- so I was thinking about taking up masters swimming.

I think you right just to chill out tonight, and to be gentle on myself, and do something that is not going to wind myself up too much. I've never had any artistic skills what so ever, and I hear what you say about most things in life requires practice and development of skills over time. In my time so far- I have completed three degrees (education, arts & public health) and courses at tafe and sports med certificate and bronze medallion and qualified swim teacher.I have only recently redone my swim teaching course.

Even though I have done these classes, I don't feel like I have any skills or talent. I had a friend tell me a while ago, and I find it hard to say out loud but she told me her mother thought I was a nobody and I said nothing when she said this and when I think about this I feel angry. I thought I could confide in my mum and she said I can see a bit of that too- and I responded to her- well thats more a reflection of you then me and how you have raised me. I felt like I needed to say that to stand up for myself. I'm not sure what to think or feel about this? I could say that person does not know me and also how do I know her mother actually said that in the first place. I'm not sure if I would repeat that to someone. But her saying that really upset and hurt me. I am not sure if I want this person in my life. How would you handle something like this?

I think tomorrow and Sunday I will just do some swims and gym sessions and clean through the house. I know the masters swimming will take up three evenings a week. I honestly don't know what to do for the best.