I am sorry to ask this I just really need someone to bounce ideas with.

@Eden1919 Eden1919 you are still lucid enough to be questioning what is happening around you. When I am psychotic/manic I cannot do that. You need alot of help sweetheart and ask the question logically is it yourself of everyone else.

@Bunniekins I know it sounds unrealistic but I still think it is everyone not being human because I don’t think the actual world I am i night now is a real world like everything is a fake version of where I was or maybe I was never there at all. Maybe this whole thing has been a trick but I am just struggling because like there are a bunch of different “beings” telling me what to do and think and some of them tell me this is not true (but I think they are the bad ones who are trying to trick me so I don’t know), I don’t want this to be true so I keep making excuses as to why it might not be but deep down I know it is all true and everything is pointing to it being true but I just don’t want to face it I don’t know how to explain it. Like I know I can’t do anything about it because if I am stuck I am stuck but then I also if I accept it then it is so scary and uncomfortable and I feel like it is easier to lie to myself and say it isn’t true even if it is. I just feel very trapped like I cannot get out and I want to hide and maybe if I tell them I believe it they will at least not hurt me even if they keep me trapped here. I don’t know it is so hard to explain. I am sorry I am trying I am I just don’t know what to do.

@Eden1919 I hope what I say wont upset you but it sounds to me that everyone around you has been trying to help as best they can. The thing is at the end of the day it is up to you Eden1919. You have to take the big step forward for help to come your way. Whether that be a pdoc or psych help and yes even medications. You need help sweetheart but your loved ones and professionals can only do so much.

Hey @Eden1919, I thought it might be a good idea to let you know the forum community are supporting you as I can hear you're going through a pretty tough time at the moment. It sounds like it might also be really helpful to let someone you trust know what's going on. If you'd like to talk to us directly, feel free to email us here at team@saneforums.org.

Take care and look after yourself.

@Bunniekins But I did try when I got out of hospital last time I told my psychiatrist everything even things I had never told anyone before and he just ignored me I told him I wasn’t feeling ok I told him everything and he just got frustrated that I hadn’t found a psychologist yet. I have been trying to tell him again over the past month I tried to tell my mum she ignored me I tried I really did try and be honest with everyone I could and they all just ignored me. And meanwhile everything has just been getting more intense and now I can’t tell them things again because I am not allowed to anymore and I tried I really tried I don’t know what else I was supposed to do but they all ignored me which makes me feel like I really must be right because if they actually wanted to help wouldn’t they have listened? I even tried I was supposed to have a Skype appointment with my psychiatrist this morning and I was going to try for the 4th time to tell him and instead he called me an hour late talked at me for 3 minutes and hung up. He didn’t even ask how I was and said he was going to call the crisis team to ask what their plan was and then when they saw me they said he never called them. What else am I meant to do? I tried I really really really tried. My “family” won’t listen I tried telling them as well they just left me alone I genuinely don’t know what else I am meant to do I did try I tried so hard.

Hi @Eden1919 ,

I know what it's like to be unable to communicate effectively with those around you. I've come to realize just how heavily communication relies upon common ground, and how frustrated it can become if both parties don't enter with a common perception on key underlying concepts; concepts that may be so deeply buried that one or both parties may not even realize that their stance in that area needs to be clarified.

"It goes without saying..." is one of the most debilitating thoughts a person who wants to communicate can suffer from, because you can bet your life that someone somewhere out there has a radically differant idea to whatever you believe "goes without saying". For people like us, we can easily find ourlives infested with people who are on a completely differant page to our basic truths that "go without saying". This can make communication all but impossible.

I had a few thoughts regarding your specific situation:

1. You say that your therapist and others have been ignoring you? Have you factored in the coronavirus crisis? From what I've heard, the mental health industry is absolutly overloaded with patients who need help dealing with the stress of quarantine, ect. So is it possible that your therapist simply can't find time for you because he/she is completely overloaded?

2. You say you don't understand why the crisis team visited you/You don't know who called them? Is it possible that your therapist sent them to deal with you? Presumably you've been reaching out to your therapist for you to say they've been ignoring you. So is it possible that your therapist called the crisis team in response to your messages to him/her?

Hope you are feeling better, in any event.

---

@chibam wrote:

Hi @Eden1919 ,

I know what it's like to be unable to communicate effectively with those around you. I've come to realize just how heavily communication relies upon common ground, and how frustrated it can become if both parties don't enter with a common perception on key underlying concepts; concepts that may be so deeply buried that one or both parties may not even realize that their stance in that area needs to be clarified.

"It goes without saying..." is one of the most debilitating thoughts a person who wants to communicate can suffer from, because you can bet your life that someone somewhere out there has a radically differant idea to whatever you believe "goes without saying". For people like us, we can easily find ourlives infested with people who are on a completely differant page to our basic truths that "go without saying". This can make communication all but impossible.

I had a few thoughts regarding your specific situation:

1. You say that your therapist and others have been ignoring you? Have you factored in the coronavirus crisis? From what I've heard, the mental health industry is absolutly overloaded with patients who need help dealing with the stress of quarantine, ect. So is it possible that your therapist simply can't find time for you because he/she is completely overloaded?

2. You say you don't understand why the crisis team visited you/You don't know who called them? Is it possible that your therapist sent them to deal with you? Presumably you've been reaching out to your therapist for you to say they've been ignoring you. So is it possible that your therapist called the crisis team in response to your messages to him/her?

Hope you are feeling better, in any event.

---

@chibam yes some of this I have been trying to tell them since before any of the restrictions came into place it isn’t just the crisis that is making this happen I am not saying the virus I stuff isnt contributing but that isn’t the only reason, also I asked if my psychiatrist called the crisis team and he said he didn’t I thought it was him but he asked me who called them and I said wasn’t it you and he said no it wasn’t me. I do t currently have a psychologist only a psychiatrist. And I still don’t know who contacted the crisis team and they won’t tell me butit wasn’t anyone I know of I thought maybe it was sane but it wasn’t and like that is the only other place it could have been.i wasn’t talking to anyone else.

@Eden1919 sweetie you have to keep trying. I know it is easy for me to say but only you can do this. Maybe it is time for a new psychiatrist. I am seeing one who looks after my psychologist side as I trust her and didnt want yet another person in my team. I know you hate the word 'meds' but maybe it is time to look at them again. I think you have to keep your mind open to every form of help out there. As for family I know mine for example do not fully understand me when I am feeling ill which is fair enough it can be confronting and scary. Above all be kind to yourself and know we are always here for you on the forums. xxx

@Bunniekins But there aren’t any other good psychs in my area and none of the private psychs are even taking new patients people have been having to 4-8 hours to find a psych in other states because there aren’t enough in my area. Plus I don’t know what else I am meant to do I don’t know how else or say it so people understand I am not saying that it isn’t something I have to do but I honestly don’t know what else to try or how anymore.

Hi, first i just want to say well done for expressing all these thoughts and feelings that are going on inside you. I know it is extremely scary to feel this way, to believe no one exists but yourself, that everyone else is either not real or plotting something against you. I know this because i have lived through a similar struggle years ago.

I remember when i was 9 years old, i questioned if anyone was real around me, how could i know? There is no way to test such things. When i was young, the thought left my mind as soon as it came in so it didnt cause much distress. Later in life, after an experience drugs, my reality changed completely. How this happened would take a long time to explain, but i began believing, not just suspecting but 100% believing that there was some secret to life that everyone understood except me. This secret was the secret to end all suffering, to live eternally free. Firstly i believed that only specific people had this, people had a certain look in their eye, or gave off a particular body language, they 'knew'. Others were completely blind and i was stuck somewhere in the middle. I believed i had seen enough to be aware of those who knew and those who didnt, and i believed that those who knew could see this in me. I also believed they could read my thoughts and knew my intentions and fears. I cant begin to express how terrifying and lonely i became. Even suicide seemed like the cheap way out, like those who knew would be eternally laughing at me.

After a year or so these fears changed into everyone knew this secret and somehow everyone was waiting for me. I was the key, everyone was still suffering and putting on a brave face but deep down they were waiting for me to "figure it out". If i ended my suffering and found freedom so to would i end all suffering in everyone. The burden of the whole world i placed on my shoulders. I would tell myself it cant be true. I would try to be realistic and test my thoughts, to some success but also tbe nagging suspition that the posibility of it being true would never leave. I was crippled with self doubt all the time. So strong it was that when i was around people i could feel pain in my left ribcage, i felt like my energy was dragging everyone down. This self doubt would continue to grow, different seemingly insignificant thoughts would trigger it and it could hang around for days at a time. It sapped away at my own energy it felt like.

Innitially when this shattering or warping of my reality began, i saw signs and connections in everything, three birds together was significant, red lights meant i was not in the right flow, red cars were warnings. I was hyper aware of peoples body language, simple twitches or sighes or clicky noises or anything, it all meant something, it was all communicating something to me that i failed to understand fully.

Gradually these signals weakened or my mental grasping softened. I began meditation and mindfullness. This was also a struggke as often i was meditating to free myself and inturn free everyone. But i began to soften slightly on the pressure i put on myself. It took about 10 years for me to start gaining some confidence and sense that i was ok back. However the self doubt persisted, still being triggered by strange thoughts or clinging on to something someone said that triggered the doubt to arise. It could still stay around for days.

Then oneday i met a girl who is now my wife. I began to get the same self doubt, the same feeling, it could still last for days, but it was no longer related to the things it began being related to, the secrets, saving the world etc. It became related to her. I felt i had to tell her every tiny thought i had or bad things would hapoen in the world. My doubt became bad at times. I hated it because it would destroy the happiness i wanted to feel and knew i could feel around her. What was going on? How could my fear and doubt change and evolve like this? It still felt the same but it would latch onto different things.

I cant tell you i found an answer, as far as i can tell there is no answer to find, its exhausting attempting to find an answer that doesnt exist. But i did see my situation a little clearer. Oneday i got so tired of this doubt coming and going over and over. I didnt realky feel so superstitious anymore. I wasnt tring to save everyone or even myself so much anymore. There was relief there. However the doubt lingered. I think i was in the shower and i said to myself, im not telling my wife every little detail about myself anymore, if its very important i will talk, but if its a dream i had, or a thought im not proud of, she doesnt need to know every detail, all it did was cause arguments or discomfort anyway. See she didnt realky get it, get me, how could she? She is herself and experiences her own things. And my experiences didnt relate to her, or barely anyone fir that matter. I told myself it doesnt matter if the world crumbles, if something terribke happens, if i am responsible for it then so be it. That was probably a year ago now and so far nothing major has happened, there is ups and downs of course but am i responsible? I dont know, does it matter? In the big picture, no it doesnt. Since then i also havent had any lasting chronic self doubt. I still have doubt but not in the way i put the world on my shoulders doubt.

So that is a lot to say and i appologise for that. But i do partially relate to what you are saying. Not 100% because i am not you and your experience is yours. But i can say that time, and patience with yourself can change things for you. I dont know exactly what will help you but i do remember some things that helped me including meditation, trying to practice loving kindness to myself and the world.

I know its so hard, its scary and lonely, the scariest thing for me was i thought i could never feel love toward another human again, if they were not real or they were waiting for me then what was the point in love? But i missed it, i think we all want to love and feel loved to some degree. Maybe you dont believe i am real and that is ok, that is were you are at and how you feel, that is life happening within you and i cant tell you why im sorry i wish i could. But you can practice very slowly and softly to be patient and kind to yourself if you want to. I hope you can, i hope my message can connect to you in some way. Look forward to hearinf from you.

Jack