Reaching Out

Dear @Lee82

I'm sorry to hear you're really struggling with this intensity of emotions. It sounds exhausting trying to manage it moment to moment so I'm glad you're reaching out here for some extra support.

@saltandpepper it's really wonderful to get your experience and wisdom about what self-harm has meant for you over time, and that your knowledge about yourself and your triggers increasing, and learning different coping methods has helped you to self-harm less and less.

Here is an article about self-harm that might be helpful, it talks about building up strategies to delay, distract, breathe deeply, or divert, but anything that you find soothing or stimulating could be helpful.

There are also people to speak to if you want to distract or connect with someone on the phone to talk about what has overwhelmed you:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

And if you are going to self-harm, I would reiterate that your safety is highest priority. Make sure you get medical care if you need to.

Take care
Tortoiseshell

Of course @Lee82 you never need to apologise for taking care of yourself. I hope you are safe and when you're ready I'll be here to chat if you need to. I'm really sorry things are rough right now, please be safe and take care. I wish there was more that I could do, but I'm sending you a big virtual hug and I will be here when you're ready

Hello @saltandpepper

Affirming the rights to self care ... for our selves and for others is so important.

Thanks @Lee82 Hello back!

It is very hard when those urges are ever present. I spent a bit of time trying to get it to be alright to discuss on here, but it is tricky to get the balance right, for what is helpful, to express and share, and what is hard.

I have struggled with those kind of thoughts and urges since early 1990s. At the moment I am better at putting distance between me and them, and so cannot always respond online. I am needing to take breaks from the forum, so going with an alternate day approach

... kind of ...

I do believe it is possible to get better, and that understanding the sources and reasons help us master our thoughts , feelings, and decision making towards our individual destinies.

Gently Bently

Apple

Hey @saltandpepper Thank you for your response to my post last night. I didn't get much sleep last night and lost the fight to SH. 😞 I was up til 5 in the morning. I couldn't stop the the urge. It was consuming. I can't help but feel ashamed about it. It's like a dirty secret that burdens me. I seem to punish myself all day afterwards.
I just wish the feeling of escaping lasted a lot longer than it does. I wish I could escape everything. My life, my thoughts, the world. Why does everything hurt so much? My patience...well I have none. At night I feel like I have spent the day running a marathon.
today I just couldn't seem to calm my anxiety down. My heart was beating so fast and I couldn't catch my breath. I am so tired but can't sleep. I feel like my head is going to explode. I don't want to do this anymore.

Thank you @Appleblossom . It is very difficult to Talk about SH. I haven't really spoken about it to anyone except my psych and even then it was very briefly. I am so very sorry you have struggled with it for so long.
Right now the forum has been a big help. I am so grateful for the people I have met on here. You have all made me feel very welcome and no longer alone. So thank you for your compassion and times ❣️

@Lee82 I'm really sorry you're struggling so badly right now. My heart goes out to you. Perhaps talking about it a bit more may help alleviate some of the guilt? I hope it helps, even just a little, to know this is something that myself and others on this thread have struggled with as well. I understand those feelings of shame, I really do, but I wish you didn't feel shame for trying to find ways to help get you through the day. Are you still working, or did you manage to get some time off? It sounds like there's so much running through your head right now, no wonder you can't manage to sleep. Do you think you could try a little writing exercise? If you could find a nice sunny spot either outside the house or by a window and just scrawl out the thoughts. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be complete sentences, but sometimes just allowing the thoughts permission to come out is helpful. Please give it a go if you can, please. Writing helps me greatly, but there are times when I just can't, so I understand if you're not up for it.

It's hard when anxiety hits, it tends to run the show, and even if you want things to calm down it's difficult to get on top of. Recognising the underlying reasons of why you are feeling anxious may help, and acknowledging the feelings are connected to the past may help. It does for me anyway. If I can focus on what's causing the anxiety and tell myself it's not a present day feeling, it can help settle the intensity of it. I also find just sitting outside can help, if it's a nice day. It just helps engage my senses to see what is really going on around me and helps to pull me out of the anxiety a bit.

I'm really sorry things are so tough right now and I'm glad to hear from you

Hi @saltandpepper how was your day today? How have you been feeling lately?
thank you for your last message. You have some really good ideas in there that I will try and put into practice.
Today was a rough day for me. I went to see my psych this morning and the rest of the day has been pretty shit.
She challenged my negative thinking. Helped me to try and see that every negative thought I have can be made into positive ones.
The problem is the negative thoughts are too strong. She was challenging me for positive thoughts and I can't believe it was so hard for me to think of any. That is just so concerning.
She got me to try and relax with breathing excerises and movement and I ended up having a panic attack. It just feels so unnatural and scary. Like I'm vulnerable and unsafe.
I feel like I have to learn how to live. Like I am a child learning new things all over again. It's so overwhelming.
There are so many things I'm suppose to be mindful of on a daily basis.
anxiety has been a part of my life for such a long time. There are many reasons why I have it as well as depression and PTSD... Firstly and most importantly my past. I was sexually abused by 3 different men at 3 different stages of my life and 2 of them was on going and aggressive. I also had a very terrible upbringing. My dad was physically abusive to mum which I was made to witness a lot. Mum also played with my head a hell of a lot which I won't get into beacause I would be here for days. I was treated like shit by her all my life. Really affect my self esteem. I had to grow up extremely quick and I witnessed a hell of a lot as a child starting as young as 7. So basically I was screwed from day dot. I attempted suicide 3 times in my life and I was treated like shit by my husband who is now my ex. He cheated on me with friends of ours and abused me physically and mentally. I have lost friendships because of my mental state and also a lot of family memebers.

I have 2 beautiful boys who are my whole world and I want the very best for them but I feel like I am failing them as a parent. Their father could not give a shit. He sees them once a fortnight and even then he cancels on them all the time. They hate going there and it breaks my heart sending them. I am really all they have and that puts a hell of a lot of pressure on me because all I want to do is leave this world.

Hi there @Lee82

I have been reading your post and can really see that you have had so many traumas and hardships to deal with. Good on you for posting so honestly about your experiences and story.. Your session today seems to have stirred up lost of things from your past and so

I am wondering about what you mean by wanting to leave the world. Are you safe this evening?

Please reach out for support off the forums if you and feeling like harming yourself There are the helplines like Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back on 1300 659 467 both are 24/7.. The SANE Help Centre is open until 10pm on 1800 18 7263

Please take care,

Whitehawk

Hi @Former-Member Thank you for checking in. I am not doing so good lately and the thoughts are there of wanting to leave this world but at the moment they are just thoughts. I am safe this evening.

Just checking in @saltandpepper hoping you are doing ok. 💕