World caves in

I can create so very much, I can design a story, I can draw beauty, I can make decent food, I can make a person strong, I can build a persons confidence so very high, but all is for naught if it remains forever Unknown.

i desire the touch of another soul, the feel of skin beneath my fingertips, the feel of fingers on my skin, the sensation of warmth between us, the the feel of soft breath against my flesh, the shudder of my body at the feel of her mind body and soul as it washes over me like a wave, the sensation as our lips press together, in an embrace as we melt into one another, the final piece of eachothers hearts combining as a strong and pure creature of power untouchable, unbreakable, unfathomable forevermore.

It is so quiet, the silence so deafening it berates my every muscle I fear of sound yet I fear the silence shal never end, I look upon myself and the world, I know why I am alone and have always been and shall be forevermore, It hurts to think, to feel, to realise and to know such things, but sadly no one deserves this, there are many contributors to the mess that is my mind, these are bad people but even they deserve better.

i sadden to think I shall never have someone to love and be loved by, that I shall never have children, that I will never feel the touch of another person, I sit and wonder how and why I face each coming day, hope is fading fast, no one knows, no one sees, no one cares.

Hi @Redraw you are a great writer, very poetic. From your post it sounds like you're feeling pretty low today and kind of invisible? If that's how you're feeling, well, I just wanted to say you're not invisible to us - we know, we see, we care - about you.

If you continue to struggle today, please rememer you can contact these services for more support:

Lifeline: 131 114; Crisis Chat
Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467; online counselling

We're here for you. Take care of yourself today.

@Redraw

This is the horrible truth

If you face each day with the conviction that what you see through your fading hope is that no one knows, not was sees, no one cares -

Is the horrible truth

No one deserves this but it can be the result of negative thinking - and rather than leave you in this destructive silence I had to tell you

What you see could be a self-fulfilling prophecy - you are so convinced that you are condemned to live a isolated life that is all that will happen

I don't think I can help - but at least I am letting you know this

There is a lot to be said for the idea that we actually do somehow chose our destiny

I'm sorry @Redraw

Decadian

While the idea is intriguing, I find the idea of a self fulfilling prophecy not overly accurate in my case it would involve me always feeling like this but this has evolved over a fair period of time, also it would involve me being cold and unapproachable also hidden, this is not the case I get out more now than I have in a fair while, I don't go out partying or anything I had to give up drinking a long time ago, I don't do drugs well except my medication, I don't see the point, I get out a fair bit, I talk to people whether people I know or others.

i don't speak in pure negativity, if I was so cold and unapproachable I wouldn't regularly be used for my ability to help people in need, I don't constantly berate myself either, and after my lifetime of being treated like nothing, made to feel like nothing without even raising a thought in a persons mind.

it hurts more than most people could ever know such pain, such emptiness I try and I try and I try

I had to deal with the "self fulfilling prophecy" challenge in family therapy back in the 1990s.

I took it on .. thought reflected, researched .. from different angles ... finally putting it to bed (in reference to me 10 years later). I read lots including the Greek classics which I have lying around on my bookcases inherited from one of my uncles who died by suicide in 1986 (it was a big year for me) .. waste not want not.. still got more to read when I have time.

I think you did the right thing @Redraw .. it is a challenge and there may be kernel of truth in it ... for all on the planet ... but how fully relevant it is to you .. only you really know... and that is that.

I think one problem for me was that my therapists were confused between the message and the messenger.

So when I used to talk about 7 suicides in a therpaist's rooms .. its horrific ... that does not mean I am a negative thinker ,,, just that a lot of negative s**t had been going on.

I was also ... physically paintingand renovating our house, sewing, making music, developing academically, doing bookwork, being a chauffeur to all manner of age appropriate activities for my 3 children, met tax obligations, did all sorts of volunteer work in the community and raising 3 children .... growing up my husband of the time .. and he is a better person for it now .. than the silly egotistical over-privileged 20 year bong a day type of man I married ... it wasnt my fault he had to grow up .. it does happen to everyone .. for me it probably happened a bit earlier than most.

I now see the challenge re self-fulfilling prophecy as an immaturity by my well meaning and well qualified and chronologically older therapists. (It was actually a psychiatric peadiatrician ... I still respect him and ran into him 10 years 'socially" with his daughter when attending an open day at my son's school - which only lasted 3 months for my son ... but .. not cos I didnt take him to school and try all sorts of angles.

Yes, what came out of my mouth for over a decade (1986-90) was very scary and negative some of the time ... but it was never the whole of me ... I was too bloody hard-working. During WWII people talked about bombs as that was their daily life .. people did not tell them off for negative thinking ... grow up Australia ... the death toll in my family happened here ... in OZ ...

Anyway I think I get a bit of where you are coming from ...

@Redraw

I dont believe any one person "totally" gets another person ... which is why the group support model can be good and helpful ... not always .. but it has definite possibilities ...

I hate it when people use "totally" inaccurately ... I placate such people by telling them I must be an aspie ... and analyse their modes of speech ... silently or tell them as required ... The first challenges I had in therapy was re over-generalisation and B& W thinking ... so I try and take the challenges on board and learn ... hmmm.

Dont tell me its not a crazy world.

Now I calmly see "red" when accused of negative thinking as one fella did recently on this forum ... he wasnt at me personally but he had no contructive thing to offer ... so I had to be direct to him.

I think the world needs more people like us ... actually ... if it is to get itself out of its current ecological mess.

@Redraw

This is where an orangutan sat for me at the Melbourne Zoo one day .... she rocked over to see what I was doing, then sat for about 2 minutes at a time while I sketched her ....

Ended up doing a bit of ad-lib when she took off into a less accessible part of the enclosure.

The kids and I often take text-books to the zoo wherever we travel. It's a way of drawing from life, because a lot of the animals stay in one place for a while at least, even if the pose isn't remaining exact ....

Here is my most recent picture I just finished it today

Sorry - Spellcheck strikes again .... was supposed to be * sketch-books ....

Waiting for that image to come thru at my end @Redraw.