Fear of getting old

I also felt I had to stare down all the suicides and model "having a life" for kids. I had an accidental near death (in the car) experience in May last year. In many ways I was detached from it, but I was amazed that those who helped me were church musicians coming back from a recording ... so it seemed I had stuff to do here .. without being too superstitious or mystical. I managed all the issues calmly and my son got a lot of insight about real life ... so in a weird way I see the accident and a flooding we had a while ago as good learning experiences for him.

I have now actually promised him that I will not suicde ... so I am here for the duration .. and learning to have some good clean fun.

OH My Stars @Princessmolly

You have been battling depression for most of your life - something terrible must have happened to have caused that - something you have deeply buried because it is so painful

I woke up one morning in my early thirties and realised that my life was wasting away while I was spending my days giving three other people a nice home, good meals and being a stay-at-home Mum most of the time - and my WH was not always working - and that's when I would pick up some temporary work -

But the feeling of waste of my life - waste of your life - is something I understand. I felt trapped.

I may have had reactive depression - and I think this is what was happening - and I know how hard it is go get out of where you are now.

I went back to school and got my HSC and then went on to part time studies at University - Honours degree - I never saw that when I was back in my bed that early morning feeling a terrible despair

When you are ready - think of something that you would really like to do . Don't despair - don't give up. You are still very young - you can make up for lost time and find the life you have so far not experienced

Change is hard - so the action has to happen when you are ready - but the thought can start right now

And I do care - and I am really glad you have posted your sorrow - and your grief

And stop hating yourself - I hope you have a therapist or someone professionally trained you can talk to about this

Decadian

Hi @Appleblossom

I am so glad you have stared down all those suicides and decided to make a life for yourself - it is worth it

You are a person who has so much to give -

Strange thing - we sometimes reach a place where nothing seems worth battling any more - and we give up - I did in 1985 - and luckily it did not work - and I saw the pointlessness of suicide - and a year later I was in a car smash - and injured - and my son died -

I survived both of these before my son died - and it seemed to me and still does - that God gave me that year - because I was closer to my son than ever before - in spite of the chaos that just kept happening

And now in my later years I really feel I have a lot to give - if I lived in a tribe I would be the Wise Old Woman - to whom people came to ask for advice, prayers, intervention - or whatever people want or need or both

I am glad you put those chocolates down - that is so hard to do - I so get that - I have decided to not eat chocolates today at least - and get more exercise - so I am going with that idea @Appleblossom

I am so glad you decided to stay - you also have a lot to offer, to give and to be

Decadian

thanks @Decadian you truly are a wise women. love reading your post. hope your having a peaceful day

One day I was saying to my son "I'm not as dumb as I look" and then crashed into the kerb. not a bingle ... number plate a bit bent.. but he just loved saying "not as dumb as I look .. Crash" for about 5 years. Nothing else to do but laugh it off ... it took a while though ... I was bloody fuming inside ... lol