Worn out

Hello!

It sounds like a tough time!

I have suffered very badly from depression in the past with periods of hospitalisation, and with the patience and support of my family, have recovered very well. I'm afraid I can't offer much help, except to say that I sympathise with you.

To me, it seems like your son is very out of touch - with the effect that his illness is having on you, with the good things that you want for his future, with the unsustainable nature of the home situation... and most importantly with the notion of formulating a future vision for himself that he can work towards, in which he will be autonomous and also feel that his life has a bigger meaning. For some reason, he seems to be stuck in a rut and not moving forward with his life. These resentments that he is holding towards you must in some sense feel legitimate to him, and you can't really make that go away without addressing it somehow... but at the same time, all of these supposed debts that he seems to feel you owe him will not help him to move forward with his life! It is so sad that he is not able to see you as a cooperative partner in moving forward with his life.

If I were you I would be making appointments to discuss your concerns and his progress and outlook with his medical health providers. I am not sure what they will suggest. I think that the important thing is to establish a cooperative feeling where you think that they will work with you and your son to get the best outcome for your son. It may be possible that you will go to a meeting and the health provider will start accusing you of your "shortcomings" as though your son's words are coming out of their mouth... in that case you can maybe seek an alternative health provider to work with your son. The most important thing is not really to assign blame... but to formulate a plan for working towards a better future.

What kind of goals does your son have... is he engaged in any educational program towards future sustainable employment, whether university or a trade apprenticeship? After my last hospitalisation I decided on something that I loved and cared about, and I went back to university to study it... my undergraduate degree was difficult but I just kept at it, using it to increase my concentration and my good feelings about my competency, building myself up... something like that.

A well formulated and articulated plan clearly seems necessary to take action in moving towards the next step. It seems apparent that you can't keep going with these care interactions that do not seem to improve matters... you need to move towards results that you can all see and benefit from.

Good luck to you... it is good that you are wanting the best for your son and taking care of him... I am so sorry you are so exhausted... hang in there and I hope things will improve for you and your family.

Welcome @Worn out

it doesn't take long looking around the carers forum to realise you are not alone!

I'm glad you've sought support/help for yourself which is so important, as often situations are enduring and don't have a quick fix.

I'm wondering who supports your son? As finding alternate accommodation sounds like the end goal, I imagine the support of a case manager, social worker or community mental health worker would be necessary to do this.

In the meantime it sounds like you could do with a break. Contacting your states carer service would be a good start, asking for some respite.

I also found this previous conversation which i thought you might like to follow, letting you know you are not alone.

http://www.saneforums.org/t5/Our-stories/Compassion-fatigue-When-caring-hurts-too-much/m-p/14785/highlight/true#M854

Best wishes

Thank you for your comments - they are really appreciated. I have worked as best I can with the health care providers associated with my son. Amongst other things, he has a codeine addiction. When this information finally surfaced, I worked as closely as possible with his health care providers. I handle all his medication, including his codeine which thankfully is now at minimum doses. He cannot, however, give it up so In conjunction with his doctors and the pharmacist we have have been weaning him slowly.

My son is incredibly artistic, both musically and artistically and I have encouraged him to utilise his skills to assist with his healing. He has incredibly low self esteem and has barricaded himself from life living in isolation within a family home. he does not eat with us, does not sit with us and for the most part does not communicate with us. A lot of exchanges we have are not pleasant.

Thank you for your comments - they are really appreciated. I have worked as best I can with the health care providers associated with my son. I am not privy to all information as he is an adult and it is his choice as to how involved I can be. Amongst other things, he has a codeine addiction. When this information finally surfaced, I worked as closely as possible with his health care providers. I handle all his medication, including his codeine which thankfully is now at minimum doses. He cannot, however, give it up so In conjunction with his doctors and the pharmacist we have have been weaning him slowly.

My son is incredibly artistic, both musically and artistically and I have encouraged him to utilise his skills to assist with his healing. He has incredibly low self esteem and has barricaded himself from life living in isolation within a family home. he does not eat with us, does not sit with us and for the most part does not communicate with us. A lot of exchanges we have are not pleasant. He has done some really silly things in the past which have also created barriers - stealing, lying etc.

Basically he does not care while caring deeply if that makes any sense. I could handle if he never talked to me again as long as he was well and getting on with his life. I took out private health insurance for him so that he could access much better treatment should he choose to do so to get quality support. So far he has chosen not to follow this up. What else can I do? No matter what, he will be loved. I honestly dont know what else there is to do to assist him to help himself. I see this beautiful human being who has so much to offer the world just curling in on himself and it breaks my heart.

@Worn out

tapping into your sons strengths could be the way to go.

I'm not sure what state you are in, but 'Mind' in Melbourne's north have groups that focus on some of these strengths and interests as a way of engagement and focus on recovery.

https://www.mindaustralia.org.au/

Do you think he would engage in something like this, or even with someone who could visit him at home to reduce the isolation?

The Pham's service (personal helpers and mentors) is a national service that has the flexibility to do some of this work and reduce isolation.

https://www.dss.gov.au/our-responsibilities/mental-health/programs-services/personal-helpers-and-mentors-phams

Can I ask where he was living before he came home again, and how old he is?

Such a compromising position for you to be in, testing the perimeters of love!

You have done such a great job managing what must be a very difficult situation on most days.

Karma

Hi,

Thank you for your insightful comments. It sounds like you have a great understanding of what my son might be going through. I will continue to utlise you and the forum for support - it has certainly helped to put it out there and get a supportive response.

Hi there Worn Out. I can sooooooo relate to your situation. I have a young adult son, who through lifestyle choices and genetics, has developed a mental illness and is now medicated on anti psychotic meds. He moved out of home some 18mths ago, thinking he could do what he liked and found the going very tough, turned to drugs, a party lifestyle, couldnt hold down a job and started the downward spiral. He also found himself in trouble with the law and basically fell apart. I sought help for myself to deal with the situation, as it was unravelling around me and I couldnt do anything about it. And this is where the psychologist helped. You see, whilst I thought I was helping him, by getting him out of trouble all the time, paying his rent, buying him food and giving him money, I was actually making things worse and was "enabling his behaviours". This is the key....sometimes you simply cant help and need to step back and use the tough love approach. I know you will think, how can you walk away from the ones you love, BUT if you dont, you will continue to be abused and used and eventually, you will be a basket case and no good to anyone yourself. It was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do, when your child is begging you to help them and you are saying, no son, enough is enough. It literally brought me to my knees on numerous occasions. He had to sleep in his car, sometimes sleep on the street and go hungry. I could have easily helped him but had to stand very very strong and not give in. He developed psychosis and was scheduled into a mental health facilty, under the mental health act. This almost killed me as you could image. He comes from a loving home and these types of things dont happen to "good families" !!!! or so I thought. He's home now and we are taking things one day at a time, which is all I can manage, but I believe that turning my back on him and him hitting as they say "rock bottom" was the best thing to happen to him....he now appreciates us (most of the time) and realises that there are boundaries in life and if he doesnt comply, he can pack up and go. There comes a time when you need to stand up and say no more. Your son is an adult and its time he started to act like one. Good luck and most importantly, look after yourself. You have done the best you can and the rest is up to him. With love and compassion....

Wow! I have explored that notion of 'enabling' and realise that I do - I don't know if I have the courage - maybe I need to go to a psychologist too to get it all clear in my head. It seems like an incredibly drastic thing to do and the pain it must have caused you is unfathomable. Its like drawing a line in the sand. I always give in. And he knows it.

I have picked up the pieces after him so many times -guilt is involved in there somewhere as in the back of my head there is a little voice that says some how I have failed my son by not giving him the tools to deal with life. Yet my other kids are fine. You have given me much to think about, Thank you.

I am actually a little scared of him when he gets abusive....

I understand completely. We were frightened of our son too. There were violent out bursts and the police ended up taking an AVO out on him on our behalf....sometimes, you have nothing left, no answers or no where to turn to, except the law. That is your last line of defence, and yes it is horrible but thats how it goes. You will get stronger every day and rest a little easier if you keep telling yourself that you have done your very very best and thats all you can do. There is no more to do or give. Like my son, your son needs to realise just how lucky he is and how far above and beyond you have gone for him. Thats our problem, we have cared too much and done too much for them over their years, they now think its their god given right to treat us like dirt and keep getting away with it. Well, enough is enough Worn out.......,Stand strong x