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Here I am

PinguContributor18 Feb 2020, 5:45 am AEDT

Here I am

Hi @Bunniekins @Zoe7 @eth @Former-Member and others I can't recall

I am here

I have been wanting to post here for weeks since first introducing myself. I'm sorry that I haven't.

I haven't been able to sleep tonight since about 1:30am. After trying many things to try and relax and go back to sleep i have given in and accepted that I may not get back to sleep tonight.

Im reaching out here because i wanted to get back in touch with this forum and I also wanted an outlet to get out of my head.

Over the last few weeks I have had a lot of time on my hands. I haven't worked since october 2019. I have slowly been recovering from a trauma incident that happened at work. I'm happy to say that i am making some progress. Things aren't as horrible or hopeless as they were. My cognition is improving more focus conecentration and memory. I have been able to journal and look to the future. This week i started to work on formulating some goals - something that i have found impossible since my major depressive episode more than 2 years ago. This is such a relief.. its hope. My goals are not grand or overly ambitious at this stage... although they do seem challenging to me at my current level of functioning. They include a plan reduce the amount of takeaway food im eating and increase home cooked food. To gain employment. To live in a safe and stable home environment that i feel settled in. To engage in fun and creative pursuits of my choosing like sport and seeing live music dancing and theatre. To continue learning and developing my skills for work and for life. I know these are broad and i have made them a lot more specific and also started to break them down into the more bite sized achievable steps...

To be able to get to the stage of making goals i had to start believing in a future for myself. This has been hard to do since my separation and diagnosis of biploar2.

It also required making a lot of decisions. (Not my strength... ) but now that i have made a few big ones: deciding not to make a formal police statement reguarding the assault. Not to do my usual escape to another city or life when this one gets hard.. (was planning on fairly aimlessly driving around australia). To make a written statement of the assault with a lawyer to provide to thw workplace investigators. To stay living in th same suburb.. Anyway many big decisions.

One proactive step i have made is joining a mental health group exercise and wellbeing program. Where i will be supported to attend an educational fitness class once a week for 4 weeks. Then hopefully progress onto their 3 day a week for 8 weeks program. Its the first time i have actively looked to be a part of something like this and really believed that i deserved to access this kind of support. (Usually i have the story about - why cant i just exercise or do things at my own free will like everyone else - im not special or sick enough to deserve help- others need it more- im an OT I should be the one faciltating these groups not participating) ..

Im really excited and grateful for this opportunity and i hope that i can stick with it. It starts next Monday.

Since making that step and talking with friends who suggested maybe I could try volunteering as a first step back to paid employment - i have also signed up to be a volunteer at my local ocean baths. There are a lovely bunch of people volunteering there and I think it will help me to begin to feel a sense of community and identity... something I haven't felt for so long.

I am hyper aware of not taking on too much at once. So only going to do one or 2 shifts a week to start with. My induction is this Sunday.

So also I have been wanting to move out from my current flat share for months.. I only have been here 6 months. I have moved 4 times already in the last 2 years... I'm really hoping for at least 12 months in this next place. Im moving on Wednesday into a new sharehouse not far from where i live now. I'll be sharing with a couple and one other. I'm nervous about this.. probably why i can't sleep.

Im worried about everything.. living with a couple.. increased rent... noisy location... lots of normal worries i think.. but there are heaps of positives. And i know i need to let go of needing to know or have control of what its going to be like. One thing that bothers me about myself though is that i didnt hold a boundary for myself and now it has come back to bite me. it is the couple submitting two rooms. One is $20 per week cheaper than the other. I told them I'd prefer the cheaper room but was open to the more expensive one of need be. Now they have found a 2nd housemate and he can only take the cheaper room so i am only left with the option of the dearer one... it is completely my fault.. so I'm very frustrated with myself for getting into this situation. I dont know wether to just accept it and still move in. Or tell them i fucked up and really was only intersted in the cheaper one - but risk not then being able to move in... and im so tired of looking .. and was so excited when they offered me the room i don't want to give it up.

I think I will just communicate that to them... that i fucked up. And I'm having doubts about moving into the expensive room.. which btw is only a tiny bit bigger than thw other room.. like 4x3.6 vs 4x3.0

Ooof

So there it is my current anxiety.

So i will end this post with some gratitude. Thank you for reading this .. it looks a lot like a journal entry and for some reason i find it easier to express my thoughts when telling someone about it than journaling on my own.

Im grateful to be still alive and suffering through life as it is a gift to be able to do so. I'm grateful that i have found some courage to reach out today and finally rejoin this forum. I'm grateful for the few hours sleep i had earlier in the night. And that i don't have to go to work in the morning haha im sort of not grateful for that.. part of me wishes i had work to go to.

I'm grateful that i was able to book a psychologist appointment only one day in advance and will see her later this morning..

Thanks everyone sending you love

Pingu

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In response to: Here I am

PinguContributor03 Mar 2020, 9:48 am AEDT

Re: Here I am

Hi @Zoe7 @Bunniekins @Appleblossom @DesertRat

Thanks @Zoe7 for your thoughtful reply

I really took a lot away from it. I hope you can work towards some goals with your physio and maybe even talk about some adapted or graded exercise you can do with your injury.

I'm feeling quite worries today.

I have a lot more on my plate than usual.. even tho it wouldn't seem like a lot to some.

I am flying tomorrow for a 5 day break with a friend up the coast.

My first concern this morning was the corona virus... I don't think I have anything to really worry about as they are not grounding flights or making any warnings about flights... so just going to have hand sanitizer with me and hope for the best..

I am volunteering again this afternoon.. this will be my 8th shift in 10 days. I'm very proud of my self for turning up but I must admit I'm feeling like canceling this afternoon. Tonight I have the committee meeting where I am to talk about my self for about 5 minutes to the committee.. for them to see if they want me part of it.. highly stressful. And also why I can't bail on my volunteering duties this afternoon.

I went to the second week of my exercise/wellbeing class yesterday and it was good. I'm glad I'm doing it and have shown up two weeks in a row. I achieved the exercise goal I had for last week and set a new goal for this week...

I am so exhausted though

It's good because it means I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone which what I'll have to do when I start working again.

But really all I want to do today is stay in bed and sleep.

I will have to find a grey area in that and mayne do some resting and some productivity.. I have already canceled a commitment I made for today - another room inspection.. I was going to do in between my volunteering shift and the committee meeting..

Yesterday I tried to fit too much in and had to cancel something last minute which wasted their time... I was going to meet a potential employer to see her clinic and talk.. a bit like an interview.. It was nearly an hour away and I was running 15 minutes late then 20 minutes .. and by the time I was in the car and put the address in Google maps I was going to be really late with traffic being bad.. and I had to get back into the city for this exercise class.. I didn't want to miss that so I canceled the meeting.. she was disappointed as was I.

But perhaps for the best as I wouldn't be able to manage a commute like that!

Also.. it's going to be raining everywhere during my holiday.. which I had planned to do outdoorsy activities like beach and waterfalls. ..

Not to worry a change of scenery and getting out of the city will still be a holiday

In response to: Re: Here I am

Zoe7Senior Contributor05 Mar 2020, 11:32 pm AEDT

Re: Here I am

Hey @Pingu I already have exercises I do for my back but impossible to do them when the pain is severe or I have limited movement. It is much better this week than it has been though so that is positive.

I hope you have a great holiday - take the necessary precautions with hand washing etc. but enjoy your break with your friend.

You have volunteered a lot this past couple of weeks which is awesome - and yes you should be proud of yourself for doing that.

I hope the committee meeting went well. % minutes talking about ourselves seems like an eternity when we lack confidence or the ability to see the good within ourselves but I hope you got through it, they see your worth and want you as part of this committee.

Great that you reached your exercise goal for last week too - it is wonderful when we achieve something we set out to do - now look forward to achieving the next weeks goal ...no doubt you will do it 👍

Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone is a major step forward - so well done you. It is sometimes hard enough getting up and facing the day so to be doing so much is such a positive move forward for you. Keep it up as it is only by pushing ourselves to do the things we really do not want to do that we learn and grow.

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