Who am I

Hi @Olive

Zahlia here, one of the SANE moderators 🙂

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment, it sounds like it would be awful! Your 20 something workers should not be disrespecting you like that, you are their employer and they should have more respect than that. Is there anyone you can talk to about their behaviour? Tell someone your not comfortable with them?

I'm so sorry you feel like a fraud 😞 The SANE forums are about reaching out and connecting with people in the same boat, so you will never be alone here. We're a community and would love for you to join us. It's a Sunday today, so SANE is a little quieter than usual. You will get to know people throughout the week.

Hope your doing ok now Olive,

Zahlia

Hi Olive, welcome to the forums, tsometimes the weekend is a bit slower to respond, so no you are not talking to yourself here, I have just logged in and seen your posts, please be patient, this is not alive chat forum, although sometimes we can and do reply, chat, reply but that is rare.

So much of your story reminds me of my own lived experience when I was struggling still with self-medicating using alchohol and other non-prescritpion drugs to try to numb, to try to block out all the terrible maelstrom inside me. I was SO alone , more alone than anyone (that is how I felt) I suffered deeply and wanted to die.

Your recent assessment with a psychiatrist seems to have opened a huge hole for you to fall into.

Speaking only for myself - when I was drinking heavily, I was wrapped in terrible terminal uniqueness, I thought (wrongly/dissassociatively) that it was everyone else who was the problem, not me.

When I first got sober, I was stripped bare - I had NOTHING really no personality, no values, nothing to holkd on to. I bounced between deep shame and absolute rage, with nastiness and narkiness interjected, not only was I unloved I presented myself in such a way as to make myself unlovable - to protect myself from all the failures of my life. I was unable to relate to people, so I drowned myself in sorrow, self-gatred, and projected my bitterness out into the world. It was a very hard and awful time in my life.

I was also pretty free with my body, seeking love 0- but just abusing myself and being abused and taken advantage of. I would wake up in the morning after a black out and know I had had sex with someone but not who, where or how many. It was awful and the really really terrible thing of it is - that when we are not 'in ourselves' not taking care of ourselves others use that oppoortinity to have us, take us. I used to think I ';gave' myself away, the truth told is that I was taken away. Over and over. I was ashamed of that for a very long time, but these days understand it was a symptoma nd outcome of a mysoginistic world and that I was a very vulnarable young woman.

So - here we are, i am here right now tih you @Olive. Shall we talk - be aware you need to refrech the page often to see replies. Also - set your setting to notify by email if someone likes or comments - follow this conversation.

You sound in a really bad place at the moment, what can you do to take care of yourself?

@Olive - also if you type the @ symbol - a list of names of people in the discussion will pop down, choose my name @Moongal when you reply so I am alerted by email too.

@Olive and @Zahlia - glad you are both here! @Olive - the other thing to do is "like' a post when you see it (if you like it!) and that way people also know you are engaging too.

And @Former-Member, glad to see you here too - missed your post before as I was reading through Olive's posts.

Couldn't have said it better @MoonGal

Such wise words, you are a very kind soul!

Hi @Olive

Sorry I have just read your post as well and thought I would say hi and hope you are okay. Worried about you.

I agree with @Former-Member you need help now.

Weekends are always quieter but pls stay with us and chat. It will definitely help 🙂