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This Is Christmas

JosRappSenior Contributor18 Dec 2019, 5:11 pm AEDT

This Is Christmas

It is a week until Christmas Day.

I can't remember the last Christmas that actually felt like it was something to look forward to. Something to enjoy. Even as a kid, Christmas was always a lesson in disappointment, more a reminder that I wasn't wanted. It is not even about presents any more. Not about material objects. All I want is someone to spend time with. Have a lunch or dinner with. Even get a coffee with. See a movie with. But ....

As far as I know, this is going to be another Christmas alone. I haven't heard anything from my family. Haven't talked to any of them for so long. Last week was my nephews birthday, but I didn't hear anything if there was going to be a party. My texts and phone calls went unanswered. So I sent him a birthday card, but, I don't know if he even got it.

Yes. I know there are community and charity Christmas lunches. I have been to them before, both to have lunch, and as a volunteer. My experiences at them have not been good. Not the places I would go to, to feel any less lonely.

I know people will say that I should get myself a Christmas present. Do something nice for myself. But, I can't really think of anything I want. Nothing material. Anything I want, needs someone else to be involved. Like Insaid before, to have lunch with someone, or dinner. Go to a movie, or get a coffee. The touch deprivation is very bad right now, so, a hug. A hand to hold. A kiss. Those things would mean so much more than any object would.

Often, when I go to the shops at this time of year, I will see so much, so many things I would get as a present if a had a girlfriend, if I had a partner. But there isn't. I've never had someone special to buy a Christmas present for.

But, being told "maybe next year", will be as close as I will get. And how many years have I heard that? This will be about the 30th year in a row that I will have to wait for "maybe next year". There is really only so many times you can hear that, before it becomes meaningless. Well, maybe not meaningless, but they are words that form a solitary confinement cell, words that just mean that nobody wants to. Words that hurt. Like the other gift I get at Christmas. Silence.

It is one week until Christmas Day. And this is Christmas again.

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In response to: This Is Christmas

JosRappSenior Contributor28 Dec 2019, 2:11 pm AEDT

Re: This Is Christmas

@BryanaCamp

I don't know if I have given up. Sometimes, it feels like I should. But, I also know that I would be a great friend, and a great boyfriend ... it's just being able to show those things, to someone who wants to see them, that feels like it is the problem.

Yeah. Like you, I tend to feel like I get "shot down" a lot. Just for having a different opinion. Definitely because I have had different experiences. I don't do well with superficial interactions, the small talk that always feels like it leads nowhere. For me, that adds to the feeling of being isolated, ignored, that nobody wants to know me deeper. I tend to feel that I need to know where I stand with people, if the walls are up, are the doors closed and locked. If it feels like I am not going to be allowed closer, if it feels like nobody wants to be closer with me, it just triggers those feelings of being unwanted.

Guess I have found that taking risks is one thing. But, you also need to find someone who is willing to take a risk on you as well. It is not all a one way street. There has already been a lot of rejection. A lot of failure. I know about them all already. And I know I am never going to be the 100% positive thoughts type of person.

I just feel like I am out of ideas. Repeating the same things, the same "just put yourself out there" advice, doesn't seem to be working. At least, not on its own. Just as therapy and medications haven't worked on their own either. I know sometimes people will say that I should move, or travel, but, I only have the money to do one or the other, not both, and only have the money to do one of them once really.

Like I said though, I know I can be a good friend. A good boyfriend. A good lover. A good husband. A good father. All of those things. I have no doubt about any of that. It just feels like nobody wants to try and see any of those, and, it is tiring .. depressing even .. to feel like you trying to show those things when nobody wants to look.

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