This Is Christmas

Yep @BryanaCamp , the charity lunches were just not good. The lack of gratitude was one thing. Being always asked to lend money ... and of course, 9/10 times it is easy to guess where that money would go (never lent any to anyone that asked). Even when I volunteered, would get yelled at because one person thought I was doing something wrong, so would do it the way they wanted and get yelled at by another person because I wasn't doing it their way, ect ect ect.

I've been diagnosed with BPD as well. And undiagnosed with it. Then diagnosed with it again. It seems to have changed with every therapist I have been to. Have also been diagnosed as being autistic. For most of the last 20 years I was told that I wasn't, then a psychiatrist 2 years said I was on the autistic spectrum ... but I have never been told what exactly. Was diagnosed with social anxiety and depression in 1999, although I know I have had both for most of my life. I find small talk difficult and starting and maintaining a conversation difficult ... when I do get to have one that is ... even on the internet. Always lots of awkward pauses and silences. I have to think about what to say, and tend to use short answers. I am probably considered overly sensitive, but, that might be part of the autism I guess, but also because of emotional and touch deprivation throughout my life. Think they are part of why I have difficulty in finding and forming connections.

Have never had friends. Was bullied a lot, all through school, university, and then in my first job. Family has always been distant and disinterested. We don't get on and talk much any more. Always been told that I will never have a relationship, that it is stupid to think that anyone would ever be interested.

So, you know, it's Christmas Eve. The silence seems to be ever more louder at this time of the year. I used to put the Christmas tree up, and decorate it, just for me. For a few years I even decorated the house, put lights up. But yeah. Each year it got more and more difficult. There is just nobody to share any of it with. No presents under the tree. Nobody to visit. Nobody who will come here.

When I was child, Christmas was never a good time either. Would have to sit there and watch everyone else open and enjoy their presents, and then be told that they had run out time, or couldn't think of anything to get me. It was always a lesson in being forgotten. Of being reminded that you really weren't wanted.

I want to enjoy Christmas. I really do. So much. But not alone. Again. It is like trying to have Christmas with the ghost of someone who has never existed. It is another of those things where all anyone ever says is "maybe next year".

hey @JosRapp

Yeah it's hard to get a consistent diagnosis out of a mental health practitioner sometimes. Lots of us at the forum have spent years trying to get a definitive diagnosis. You're not alone mate. Lots of us deal with crippling social anxiety, attachment disorders and psychotic symptoms which makes it awful hard to try to meet people in real life, let alone get a friendship happening.

A lot of mentally unwell folks only have realtionships with family, and, if you're like me that isn't an option it leaves you with zero support, difficult symptoms & almost no idea how to make connections in the big, wide world.

I think you should be kind to yourself at this time of year, it's very emotional & lonely. Xmas day I plan to be hiking (if weather & total fire bans ok) as that's healthier than seeing family. It's the kindest plan to myself I feel. I will message you tomorrow here, you can count on me.

I'm sorry to hear that you've had nasty & scarring experiences with family & bullying and the workplace. I hear you, you deserve better, much better. I was bullied so bad at work I got a massive injury that saw me into 7 years of unemployment & untreated psychotic illness - nightmarish. But I managed to make it out the other side. So if I can, I know you can. Just not at this time of year, it's too stressful & emotional.

I don't yet know what barriers are stopping you from connecting to people (sounds like you're not too sure either, maybe it's Aspergers, maybe it's social anxiety or BPD, maybe we don't know) but I know you're an awesome person & look forward to getting to know you.

I found that anti-psychotics took the edge off my terror so I could perform reasonably in social situations. Then I went to, like a billion, meetups to try to make new friends. Not many people are interested in my friendship, especially if I disclose I'm from an abusive family (so weird that most people come from supportive & loving families) but some are. So know that in the future, when you feel strong enough...say in Feb or March...there may be social options for you.

I bought a $12 slab of cured trout & don't plan on sharing it with anyone for the 25th!! but appreciate this may not be financially viable for you at the moment. Just hang in there @JosRapp .

I have crappy schizophrenia, BDP and social anxiety but value your friendship & know that if someone as socially disabled as me can make friends then you can too, in the future.

Do you have a pet? I live with a cat & he's my best mate.

I'm spending Christmas on my own. I was crying before because it really doesn't help my ego problem to be on my own. I feel like it reflects badly on me as a person when I can't even get one friend and my family only want help from me, they never want to help me. I have accommodated my brothers when they come up and stay with me and they bring friends and I have to pay for their food. But now when I want to go stay with them they are ignoring me all day. I'm so shy and insecure that I can't meet new people and I'm 45 years old.

Hey @Lee3

Sorry to hear that. Understand too. My family only talk to me when they want something too. The rest of the time I don't exist. Had a cry last night, and this morning a couple of times. Hasn't made me feel any better though.

Hey @BryanaCamp

No, don't have a pet now. Have had 2 dogs and 6 cats over the years though. Found that they didn't help with the loneliness though. Was even told that walking the dogs, taking them to puppy school when they were younger, would help in meeting people. But it never did. The last cat I had died suddenly in 2012, the day after my birthday, and since then I just haven't felt like having another pet.

Yes. It is difficult to get a diagnosis. At times it has felt like I am being used in a competition between therapists as to whom is right, the diagnosis would change that often. I don't know though. Sure have some symptoms of BPD, but not all of the ones usually listed. Since I was diagnosed as autistic, I have been to groups with other autistic people, including people with high functioning autism, and can't even make friends there. The social anxiety gets bad, even on the internet, where there is supposed to be all kinds of people, and a place for everyone, but, I haven't found anywhere online where I feel like I fit in, and where I can really make friends.

Have been on medication before, but, it didn't do much apart from, well, the first time it just made me feel sick all the time. The second lot made my anxiety go through the roof, to the point where I would go for days and days without sleeping because I would feel so anxious about everything and couldn't stay still. Then the last lot I was on just didn't do anything at all, even when the doctor changed the dosage.

The loneliness is the worst part though (and the depression that goes with it). Often get the feeling that it is never really taken very seriously. Just get the same old advice, over and over and over again, that I have already been trying for years and years. Seems like a lot of people assume that, if something worked for them, if they met someone somewhere, or by doing some particular thing, then it will work the same for everyone else too. But it doesn't. I find that a lot of people get very angry if I say that I have already tried their advice.

Hope you had a nice hike today, if the weather was ok to go.

Merry Christmas @JosRapp , good luck with today

I'm on a big sweaty hike.

Hope your hike was good @BryanaCamp

Will admit, struggling with thoughts today more than yesterday. Have already called Lifeline ... although I don't know what I expected really, it never helps. Maybe it is just me, but, any time I have called them I seem to get someone who sounds utterly bored, and who obviously doesn't understand loneliness, and just gives the same old advice, which to be honest just makes the loneliness even worse.

The touch and emotional deprivation are very, very bad. And that is a thing really, that many people seem to think that just being around people will make the loneliness better. A bit of small talk here and there, and everything will be fine. Or even that just talking to someone on the phone will make things seem better.

But it's not.

I tried to distract myself yesterday, and last night. Find things to do. Do hobbies. But it feels like that has made things worse. Highlighted that there is nobody to share things with. Made it feel even more that I only really exist as text on a screen .... easy to turn off, and walk away from.

hi @JosRapp yeah you do sound very lonely, depressed and deeply negative. I believe you. It sounds like you have given up.

My hike was good thanks, though this is an extremely diffiult time of year for me. I feel very anxious, lonely, fragile and vulnerable. I can't wait for the new year to be underway, I'm keen to get back into my work shifts and for this triggery, highly emotional festive season to be over.

I have worked a lot on my social skills and psycho-social performance. It was very hard work and did not come easy. It was very hurtful & humiliating and infuriating at times out there in the social world. I copped a lot of rejection and got strung along & used by a lot of people who took advantage of my caring side who had not a care for me. My painful reactions & psychotic symptoms lasted for days if not weeks. It's taken several years to improve my social anxiety & social performance. It's very hard for me to feel connected to people & to maintain friendships (I'm a hot-headed bridge-burner). It's very easy for me to feel abandoned, disrespected, invalidated & ignored.

I feel like whatever I say you'll shoot it down in flames. Like I said, for me the main factor that changed my social isolation was psychiatrist prescribed meds. But that didn't come easy, I was always fighting to be well, fighting to improve my quality of life. I don't think simply being in physical proximity to other people means that you'll make friends, I think you'll have to change how you behave and perform around people to get a diffierent outcome to what you've got in the past. That's just my opinion & I may be wrong but based on my lived experience, I think you've got some work ahead of you, including some risk taking & facing your fears, if your social isolation is to improve.