Abandonement and all that followed.

I'm new to this sort of thing online and so I'll probably muck some of this up. Where do I start? At the start I guess but it's pretty much a life of misery with 8 happy months. My earliest memories of my childhood is hating my mother and wondering why the hell my father wanted nothing to do with me and left me with her at all times. The 8 months of happiness are the only time I've ever been anywhere near happy. That happiness was with the only person I've ever loved. She is a beautiful woman who I confided in for the first time in my life as I truly knew I loved her. When I told her that I would probably have times of depression and silence she seemed to understand and said it would be OK because our love would get us through. Even she couldn't handle the way I was at times. I only started to shut her out after we said we loved each other. Most times in the recent past it's me walking away and breaking hearts after women have fallen for me. I just knew it wouldn't last with them and so I walked away. This time I wanted it to work and so I tried but even this lovely, lovely woman, who adored me, couldn't stay around me. I drove her away with silence and moody behaviour even though I was so near total happiness for the first time in 57 1/2 years. How is that possible. What do I need to do to get myself right and then maybe, just maybe, have a chance with her again. She says she still loves me so I cling onto hope. I need to do that. I function during the day but am scared to go to bed as I just can't clear my mind to sleep. In the past, when younger, alcohol was the answer. I won't go down that path again. I still like 2 or 3 beers after work but that's all. Have I rambled on too much? I hope not because believe me there are many more pages to fill that story. That's it for now I guess. I have no idea what to expect now. Anyway here goes..."post"