Caring for my mother

@querentxyz Its huge to finish your masters. It can be a wrenching and giving birth-like experience, though not physical and relational. Give yourself plenty of time to recoup and imagine your future directions.

I feel very touched by many aspects of your situation. our academic bent and care for your traumatised mother.

I also can relate to many aspects of her situation with regard to abuse and religious institutions and currently living with my young son who is learning about empathy and growing up and is also a big reason for me to go on.

I have said similar things to my son about wanting him to feel free to let go of me.

In response to her ranting or getting counselling. Its simply a level of resources and support. Things are intensified when one is alone and has no adult support. It is more part of her situation not just part of her character. I focus on ageing as the sunset of life and try and find the things I can afford and enjoy and manage without too much difficulty. Help her access support and discover her own interests if her childhood robbed her of the opportunity to develop them young.

We are all interconnected and pick up feelings thoughts and attitudes from others.

I also was tired of the world's cynical aspects. We can build positive cultures.

Good will to you and your family's future endeavours.

Apple

Brrrrrr it really is getting cold here. Luckily I discovered my thermals buried in my wardrobe.

I visited Mum on Saturday night and Sunday, it's Monday morning here and I woke up at 5AM and I just lay in bed for an hour and a half thinking about all the things that stressed me out about being with Mum. We had a good time together, but something that makes it really difficult is always that I treat Mum like a "normal person". (I put that in inverted commas because I am conscious that there is a way of perceiving those sorts of words as offensive, but I just can't think of any other way to say it properly.) With most people, they will sort of stay out of your boundary, it's kind of automatic to them. But with other people, they can't help themselves from penetrating your boundary and getting their stuff all mixed up in there. Actually what I think I will do is start to make an analytical type list of things that stress me out and why, so maybe I can group similar sorts of things that stress me out together and be more conscious of them in future when they are happening.

It is really difficult to explain the problems we have been through with Mum. Mum is very dear to me and a special person and I want the best for her. But she isn't "normal" and it doesn't help me to think of her that way, and it doesn't help her to think of her that way. She has always had close friends who she sees regularly, and work that is meaningful to her. But she has a lot of problems. I realise that when I describe it all on this thread, that living with her might seem like I am just getting a bit carried away, but it's not like that. It is quite difficult to communicate the extent of the problems she has experienced in life. Like for example. She has this kind of "split identities" thing, where there are a few different aspects to her personality. The strongest aspects are a child that is terrified, and an internalised perpetrator. These aspects of her come out to play, and they take her over. She has a "fractured self", and a "fragment" of this self tends to dominate at a single time. This is really, has a big impact on her ways of relating to others. The child aspect is inconsolable and way beyond desperate for help, to the point of creating false crises in order to obtain emotional help. The perpetrator aspect is saturated with hatred, and is destructive and will destroy possessions, and will cause dangerous behaviour like culpable driving. These things are actually very responsive to medication (and also counselling), she says that the distinctions between the fragments become less clearly divided, and they all sort of blend together more, so they assert themselves less because they become less distinct.

Mum herself says, she is not "normal". She describes the day when her "brain changed" and I would describe it here in detail, except that the story is entirely revolting, sickening, and upsetting, will actually curdle your blood and frighten you and make you feel sick. She says she has been struggled to be recognised as "not normal". She has even had a very good counsellor in the past who simply could not recognise that she can never be this. The counsellor mentioned to her Kintsugi and the idea that something "broken" can be put back together "better than before". Mum says: "What she does not understand is that all of the pieces have grown in different directions, and they can't fit anymore."

So I would say... Mum does not have a normal type of "character", and the ranting and other behaviours is not because of her state in life... it is because of who she is. I accept and love her for who she is and I want her to enjoy her life... but I can never see her as being a "normal" person.

Sorry for all this flood of writing, I am sure it sounds very ungrateful and mean spirited... it's just that I need to be clear with myself about what happens in my life and what it is like for me, and for my Mum too.

Peace xoxoxox ❤️

I have to write that something really cool happened. I found this amazing display book in an art store for my "self project" scrapbook. It has polypropylene (international archival standard) document sleeves inside and has a plastic snap clip so that you can take them out or put more in. And I thought the price was really reasonable for something so awesome. I looked at a lot of them in newsagencies but they just didn't feel right. So, I'm really excited to start making things to put in there.

Hi @querentxyz

Thank you so much for sharing ....

What you are describing in terms of your mother's way of living is something called DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder - formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder.

I am not a medically trained person, but I am fascinated by circumstances such as this P. And would you believe it, I was watching a set of YouTube videos last night on this subject.

From what I understand, it is rare, but iresults from terrible abuse suffered by (usually) a young child. As a way of escaping mentally from something too abhorrent to experience which they can't escaped from physically, their "sub-personalities" separate out into seemingly independent identities, effectively "sacrificing" or more of them to the abuse, so that the person can wake up in the form of another of their sub-personalities who doesn't remember, or doesn't connect with the abuse. In this way the person can continue living, continue with their life without having to face the horror they found it impossible to endure as a "complete" person.

This doesn't mean the issue has gone away. It just means you are living with an extremely emotionally damaged sub-personality (or sub-personalities) operating independently within your body and mind .... and these sub-personalities can go by another name, and they have behaviour patterns and characteristics, even tones of voice and facial expressions, particular to them, by which they can be identified ...

In the series I was viewing, the woman had seven "identities", all of them younger than herself, possible from different stages of abuse. She had developed a way of communicating with her different selves - because as you suggested in regard to your mother, these sub-personalities had grown independently, and gone through their own patterns of trying to escape the pain, some of them suffering from substance abuse, and others SH .... she said a couple of them had taken large doses of her medication before, but not with SI, it was just to try to escape the pain, and they said exactly that - these two particular sub-personalities being in their early teens ...

Her way of communicating with ear different selves was through writing in a "communal" diary. She would write to her sub-personalities, and they would write back. As I would imagine is the case with your mother, when one of these selves takes over, the others are unaware of what has been said or done in their "absence", and they re-emerge to the consequences of what the surfaced self has done. This way the predominant personality could find out "who" had caused her SH, who had taken money from her purse and spent on what even gained some insight into what the different sub-personalities had suffered, and their course of recognising that they had to change behaviours - for instance a very young sub-personality had shop-lifted, but the predominant one had to face the police to explain - fortunately, if you could call it that, the younger sub-personality put in an appearance to apologise to the police and explain that they hadn't understood the rules ....

I am writing this to you in the hope that you will see that there are people who understand what you are living with in your mum's situation, and perhaps both of you can learn by seeing how others have coped, or are living.

In another instance, where the person has many, many sub-personalities operating, "they" have raised a child with the support and monitoring of community services, and the child is entirely accepting of her mother's "states". This woman is an artist, and as for the first woman I mentioned whose sub-personalities have their own hand-writing appropriate to their given ages (which have developed independently of each other), this woman is an artist and some of her sub-personalities have put brush to canvas in their own styles. She can recognise "who each one is" by their different paintings - like operating an art class of different students.

I am not advocating any of this for your mother without checking with professional therapists, however I thought it might be useful to discuss it with the therapists and see what their feedback was ....

And if you go looking at what other people have done, and how they cope, you may not feel so isolated in your circumstances.

I hope this helps you.

Thinking of you very much ...

🌷💗💕

As @Faith-and-Hope has described, some people experience a disruption of identity in which they can experience different personalities or identities. This is known as dissociative identity disorder, but in the past has also been referred to as multiple personality disorder. @querentxyz, I’m not sure if this has been your mother’s diagnosis. In any case, it’s great to hear that the challenging aspects of her personality have responded well to treatment. If you’d like to read more about dissociative disorders, Mind UK has a helpful factsheet at the below link:

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociative-disorders/#.V3sPmY7EITk

I am very grateful for this new approach to think about these things and thank you, can't really express my gratitude properly.

Here is a fun imagination exercise I know of. It's called infinite upside down beach. It's a beach that stretches on infinitely that you go walking on. There might be other people on it but you never encounter them because they are infinitely far away, and so it is a very private beach. It's called upside down beach because there is thick velvety clouds instead of sand, and it feels a bit like moss to walk on, and there is glittering sand banks instead of clouds, floating gently along scattered high in the sky. It's always a pleasant time of day or night, never too hot or cold, and the sky is really pretty, clear blue or with sunsets, moon and stars.

Further up the beach is a comfortable cabin where you can rest inside, and beyond that is a magic forest, deep and cool, that you can walk as far into without getting lost, because whenever you decide to turn back you can see that the beach is just a few steps away. In the forest there are caves with glowing crystals in them. The ocean is magic like the forest, you can go swimming as far into it as you want but never get washed out to sea, because whenever you're ready to turn back you find that the beach is just within reach. And the ocean sometimes has friendly and playful dolphins in it.

Along the beach, strange shells and treasures wash up and you can look at them, put them in the cabin to look at later, or put them back in the ocean. Sometimes there are friendly fairies on the beach socialising with each other, and they will flutter up for a chat and to tell you how much they admire how kind, smart, and cool you are.

Sorry, hope this doesn't sound too silly, just wanted to give something back in order to say thank you! ❤️

Hi Everyone

Isn't it so sad what is happening in the world these days... such complicated problems and so much harm. I am a white person but I do professional volunteer work with a group of people who are not white who are working to make things better for people who are not white, and at times like this I feel so privileged that they will have me work with them. I think we just need to keep our chins up and trying to see the positive side of things, and do our best to make the world a better place.

Well I was mainly writing to say how amazing I am feeling. I am just feeling like my mind is sharper and clearer, and not weighed down so much, a bit like I am walking on air. I am feeling a lot more in control of my emotions. I have cleared out all of my schedule for the next two weeks starting Monday to just be completely alone and uninterrupted to think about my life and prepare for the things ahead, and fill up my scrapbook with all sorts of resources and ideas about what will help. I think of this like how before I went to hospital for the first time, my doctor prepared me to go to hospital by describing it as "cocooning". I am really excited to just be alone and think a lot about my life and my future.

Just expressing again how thankful I am that this place exists, that I came to it, and to everyone who has commented and acted so warmly towards me.

Will anyone else be watching the Eels and the Roosters tonight? I don't really understand football, but I like watching it. I hope you all have an easy and peaceful weekend with your selves and your loved ones.

I have been having a very quiet and peaceful time. Everyone should try to get away from the person they are caring for if they can. We need alone time in order to help others properly. I was just completely destroying myself over caregiving. Right now I am just feeling so quiet and peaceful in my mind. Happy to just exist and not needing anything.