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Caring for my mother

Caring for my mother

HELLOOOO!!!!!!!

I want to write a post to tell my story about caring for my mother.

I am in my early 30s and Mum is in her mid 60s now. I live with her normally but a couple of days ago I have just moved to housesit for my younger sibling in a suburb that is about 25 mins drive away I think. My sibling has just moved overseas for 3 moonths.

My mother is a survivor of many rapes in her childhood at the hands of a religious. A few years ago everything sort of fell apart completely and she was hospitalised a few times and one of them was involuntary because she struggles with aggrssive impulses towards religious. Mum was diagnosed by different psychiatrists with Chronic & Acute PTSD, BPD, and Bipolar 2. The Diganoses she has dedcided to work with have bene PTSD and Bipolar 2, she says that BPD is a crazy person. Mum has a lot of trouble in daily life. She is profoundly dyscalculic, she becomes very rageful and gggresive. These are managed with a mood stabiliser medication.

For some time we did not have a mental health plan as Mum was resisting treatment, she was saying "I'm better now". She became much more aggressive towards me, saying unkind things. , Then we got back on the mental health plan so things are better now, She is saying a new GP and a new counsellor. Psychiatrists are too expensive for us and it is too difficult to find one nearby who will bulk bill. The psychiatrists have not always beeen helpful in the past. Now She is using the medication again things are better, she is interested in complying withthe medication and recognises it as something she needs. She is fairly noncompliant with the diganostic tools and will not respond to them consistently. Honestly, I don't care about the diganostic tools except as atool for directing treatment

Life has not been easy. I was having a lot of trouble with depression in my youth & hospitalised a few times in early 20s for chronic and acute depression with psychotic features, I am much better now. ,I am just very exhausted by taking care of my mother,

I am very tired as daily life is filled with emotional events. Grief meltdowns and rage spirals, and tremendous overreactions to daily inconveniences. There have been troubles in our recent years of a close relative dying and there is always always some additional problem to manage, for example writing a strata scheme

I tried really hard to tie everytingg up at home before ICame to stay here so that I will have some time alone.n, It is very different being alone, It is greatly peaceful.

I have been drinking too much, the problems became ovewhelming I don't think I am an alcoholic, but sometimes I feel like it., There is no escape, the problems wear me down. There is no escape.

I am currently trying to complete a Masters degree and very exhausted. I am not drinking at the moment, I don't really feel like drinking, I am just trying to study. I have 1 week left to go. Iam a bright student who gets high distinctions. I am very tired, I just want to lie on the bed and have a rest. I don' want to study but I need to complete my semester

I am just writing this because I have been feeling very alone. No help I feel taht noone undrstands my life and my sitaution,. I am feeling very tired,and I feel abit unsteady ,The Recent weeks have become really really difficult. I have been feeling for a long time as though running on empty but the recent weeks just, really, very very tiring.

I am currently looking for a job. I am just trying to complete my semester. There isn't much of my degree lef t to go. I am very tired and just having some trouble concentrating., I am really tired, I feel sad. I'm so relieved that I am staying away from my mother for a while. My sibling is no help with every day life at home, busy with own life and does not seem to care much. I am a sensitive type person and it is difficult to protect against the emotional onslaughts., I am tired at the moment adn just trying to complete my semester

Thanks

69 replies

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In response to: Caring for my mother

Re: Caring for my mother

'Morning @querentxyz ..... 🌷💐

My 'like' was "I'm hearing you ....."

Some jigsaw puzzles are much bigger than others, with smaller, more challenging pieces .....

You have grown a long way through yours ..... keep going .... the picture will start making sense to you .... even if some pieces remain lost, or it seems have gone into the not-quite-right-place but fit well enough to make the picture work anyway .... so that means another piece fits into the not-quite-right-place too .... but hey ... your puzzle is still working .....

Baby steps @querentxyz .... the forums become a bit of a diary in a way .... and you are moving forward, even if you feel lost in it a bit at times .... lots of bits to fit together ....

Take heart.

Keep going ....

🐠🐠🐠

In response to: Re: Caring for my mother

Re: Caring for my mother

Thank you for hearing me.

I spent my mother's birthday with her and we had a good day. I arranged for a bonsai for her with help from my brother's input overseas and she was so pleased with it she burst into tears. Later we were talking and I said some career activites I was planning and she said "Do you have the energy for that?" and I felt a bit of agitation, but I said "But Mum you have confidence that I have energy to do things that I decide to do, don't you?" and I was happy because I handled that kind of question from her better than I ever have before.

I have figured out that if I take a really small dose of my antipsychotic at 9pm that it helps me to sleep and doesn't make me feel sick in the morning. It's a very small dose, a quarter of a 5mg pill but it still really makes a difference to me. I'm not sure why no one has listened to me about how much trouble I have sleeping before, and to sort out this solution for me, but I'm happy I've sorted it out now.

My experience of life is pretty interesting lately.

I have had a couple of really discouraging experiences with looking for work. I know you're not supposed to let it get to you, but it caused me to reevaluate some aspects of my life.

It's strange how in life it's not OK with anyone for you to be "broken" until you're somehow clearly visibly very "damaged". There's a really intense resilience culture in society that says that you always have to rejuvenate yourself and there's not really a lot of allowances for people who don't fit into that. I've been OK with being a broken person, it seems like it's everyone else who finds that so unacceptable. It's not enough for me to want to do a good job in my work, I am required to meet some certain other expectations. And it's difficult for me to have any faith in the ability of other people to measure me according to any meaningful standard. Basically, my life has been very difficult and has hurt me, and after everything I find it unbearably humiliating to be treated that way. I don't know whether it's just the type of person who I am, but trying to fit into society just makes me sob in frustration and hopelessness.

4 years ago I read a book "I Want To Be Alone", it's a mass market paperback (nothing special) about hermits being people who shun society, which is different from sociability. And I have had this long term fantasy that I could just somehow run away and live in a cabin in the woods. Over the past few days I've been thinking that I don't want that to be a fantasy anymore. I have been thinking pretty seriously about alternative off-grid ways of living. I felt so much different when I decided that this is the right path for me to work towards, even though it will take years to achieve. I want to have a small scale farm with some Tesla batteries and maybe a couple of cabins to rent out to people like rustic luxury. That's my dream...

In response to: Re: Caring for my mother

Re: Caring for my mother

Hi @querentxyz .... 😊

That sounds fantastic ... and being the scholar you are, I am sure you would work out the details carefully to make it happen ....

I posted this for a friend yesterday -

It's not that nobody has been off the grid before .... of course they have .... but the thought is that you are doing it your own way and working out challenges to make it happen as you go ....

You would also likely meet a lot of interesting people who are the type to come looking for an alternative, rustic life experience.

There are shows on TV from both England and America that venture into this territory. I can't recall the names exactly, but I have tuned in and been quite absorbed by them.

The one based in England is where people are looking at properties to purchase, with an alternative agenda .... for instance, one episode was a young girl looking for a small living space, akin to a caravan, but in the form of a small house. There were compromises to be made, and a lot of character to the three tiny properties she was shown.

Another episode of the same show followed a couple looking for a rural property with a main house, but the sort of rustic accommodation you are considering as a form of income. They settled on a main house that had ruins of stone sheds and barns, which were going to be the basis for the holiday accommodations once they were refurbished in rustic style.

The show from America is about creating personalised "trailer" homes - akin to a caravan, and able to be towed behind a large vehicle. They contain loft bedrooms above general living space, kitchen and bathroom facilities, and the new owners have to pare down their ideas about possessions, and acomatise to living in very close proximity to each other. These sort of trailer homes would be novel here in Australia ....

If you search online for tiny houses, you will come across ideas for those. See what you think ....

🌷💕

In response to: Re: Caring for my mother

Re: Caring for my mother

@querentxyz ..... 😊

In response to: Re: Caring for my mother

Re: Caring for my mother

Thanks Faith-and-Hope.,

In response to: Re: Caring for my mother

Re: Caring for my mother

Things are going pretty well.

Mum is mostly leaving me in peace., I am trying to accept and adjust to knowing that she will not be able to ever respect boundaries, I'll always come away from a talk with her feeling confused and probably upset. I realise I want to drink a lot after talking about assault with my Mum, but instead I can do something else like have a shave and a shower and put on some comfortable clothes, by the time I do that I have forgotten all about wanting to drink.

I'm getting a lot out of the psychologist visits. I was asking her about forgiveness. She kind of says, forget about forgiveness, do what's right for your values, and doing that doesn't mean that you have to like the person or feel good about being with them, you're just doing what works according to your worldview. After that, I may see my Dad some time.

She says if you are just hating tasks, take a week off from them and start fresh afterwards. On that note I'm trying to study, my teacher sort of went awol on me, I was waiting for the green light but it never came, but it doesn't matter, I'm just going ahead with my project anyway. I have to submit a project proposal in a week so he can respond to that. After that week I'm going to do nothing for a week.

I seem to have adjusted to the antipsychotic that I'm on and I've doubled the dose up without any bad effects, instead I'm tolerating the dose very well, I'm feeling very comfortable with a much clearer mind and I am finding it much easier to sleep. My mind has felt really foggy and slow but now I feel like I can think properly again, and I don't have the extreme fatigue I was feeling. I don't think I'm going to go off this drug again in future, because it is so effective for me. I just need to be self-disciplined enough to get into bed before 11pm. (Working on it.)

xoxox ❤️

In response to: Re: Caring for my mother

Re: Caring for my mother

Hi @querentxyz .... 😊

Its good to hear all your feedback. It sounds like things have stabilised a lot for you ....that's really great .... 💕

In response to: Caring for my mother

Re: Caring for my mother

Back at home now! It is really difficult. But now that I've had some time away, I think I can handle it better, because I've had a break.

What is really difficult is always remembering that I will need to be able to handle it. I have to go into every interaction with Mum thinking "this isn't going to be good". I always let my guard down and I always think that I'm going to have the type of interaction that I have with other people. I find it really difficult to remind myself and to remember that it's not going to be like that.

In response to: Re: Caring for my mother

Re: Caring for my mother

Hi @querentxyz

I'm glad you're posting here, so we can walk along with you ...

Wanna join us on the Hot Chocolate Anyone ? thread for a morning cuppa ?

🌷💜

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