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Since my last suicide attempt I had a change in psychiatrist (due to the fact I'm in a surgical ward for 3 months, so I now see the hospitals CL) who reverted my diagnosis to BPD. It's made me wonder if I ever was really psychotic over the years and just made everything up (to the point in believing) and my hallucinations and delusions were just fake for attention. Like someone who made stuff up to get others to think they're sicker for attention.
Anyway i kinda feel like that.
Voices told me to attempt suicide but maybe I just made that up too and I'm just a stupid pathetic person that needs to die.
@The-red-centaur well I doubt you made it up in a deliberate sense... i mean maybe your mind did but also BPD can include psychotic symptoms if the person is under severe stress or is feeling like they are about to get abandonded or basically in extreem episodes of distress you can get psychotic symptoms in BPD so if when that was happeing you were going through a trauma or had major life changes or relationship changes it could fit within BPD to have had psychosis. but psychosis with BPD tends to be in like short bursts so the episode stops around when the major stressor is gone where as other psychotic disorders the psychosis continues for a longer period and isnt there only in times of crisis if that makes sense..... well that is what i was told..... it is tricky though and i guess you are entitled to a second opinion if you dont agree with the doctor who made this change.
I want to do a longer reply not really related to my original post.
My thoughts are really scattered tonight.
In response to: Re: Made everything up?
Eden1919Senior Contributor
Re: Made everything up?
@The-red-centaur thats ok, and you can reply with unrelated things if you want there is no rule you cant go off topic. half the threads on here are completely off topic do whatever you feel will be helpful for you cause thats what the forums are for.
In response to: Re: Made everything up?
The-red-centaurSenior Contributor
Re: Made everything up?
@Eden1919 Random reply I wrote in my notes: it's disjounted and boring I warn you.
I've always struggled with diagnosis. Between Schizoaffective and BPD. For a while the main diagnosis was bpd and I've never agreed with it. I changed psychs a few years ago who changed it to schizoaffectivevand that made way more sense to me. For me I feel the only reason im diagnosed with BPD is the fact I self harm and have suicidal tendencies. I do have altered emotional states, but I also suffer psychotic symptoms and sever mood fluctuations, which led to the Schizoaffective diagnosis. In this original post I was wondering if I just made up the psychotic stuff to get doctors and professionals to likr me and as an excuse to continue to self harm. Like I was making up psychosis to appear more sick, or as a justification to further destroy myself.
But I guess I'm also wondering now if BPD is just a lazy diagnosis because I'm in the too hard basket due to sever suicide thoughts and intent.
Voices told me to attempt suicide, so therefore maybe I still psychotic rather than BPD??? Idk
On another note: I have never associated my psychosis with distress though eventually it causes distress and I self harm. My voices and delusions don't corelate to significant emotional distress or triggers or abandonment. But when I am more stressed I do have more psychotic symptoms but so does everyone huh.
I also don't suffer from most BPD symptoms like abandonment or rejection issues, identify issues, anger (though occasionally I do associated with T more than anything though), relationship instability. Most of my bpd stuff I associate with my PTSD, mood issues or psychotic stuff. But I do wonder if I just make that stuff up to get the attention of physicians so they'll love me and just want to treat me because I have to be sick enough to justify my self harm.
I wonder if I do actually have the other bpd traits but pretend I don't though. And I wonder if I fabricated the years of believing aliens were trying to k*ll me as a justification of my self destruction. Or that I don't hear voices but want to think I do because thinking I want to die or sh should be external rather than internal coz I don't want my thoughts. But they say other stuff so idk.
Anyway I was just venting here, it probably won't make sense. I'm kinda so confused rn. I'm sorry.
In response to: Made everything up?
BunniekinsSenior Contributor
Re: Made everything up?
@The-red-centaur Hey hun please do not worry about all of the above today. I want you to concentrate on being calm and peaceful before your operation. That is the most important thing today :). Btw there is no way that you would have made these things up. So try to put it all to one side and concentrate on healing yourself. Love peaxxx
In response to: Re: Made everything up?
The-red-centaurSenior Contributor
Re: Made everything up?
@Bunniekins Totally not related to this post...buy I'm hallucinating really bad atm...panic attack...voices...self harming...aliens...gonna k"LL me...scared...nurse Gina hurt me...meds poison....
Anyway I don't knotwhats going on
In response to: Re: Made everything up?
The-red-centaurSenior Contributor
Re: Made everything up?
I don't know what is real
In response to: Re: Made everything up?
Unknown userMember
Re: Made everything up?
@The-red-centaur are you in hospital atm ? Is there someone you can talk with, grab a hot chocolate and calm yourself? It sounds really distressing all these thoughts, especially those not real ones. Feel for you. If there's a @moderator, @Former-Member around that could be more helpful than me. But for now co wash your face, find a cuppa and someone to talk to.
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do whatever you feel will be helpful for you cause thats what the forums are for. 
