Eating disorder and more - need a shoulder ......

Definitely looking forward to that day @Corny ..... ❣️

It's a red flag for NPD if they try to move forward / move in / get engaged really fast ..... many of the red flags I encountered were obscured by circumstances, or perfectly believable excuses. I do know that as soon as I was hooked the triangulations started ..... 😡 .... and not having experienced that before I wasn't able to recognise it. Until the serious devaluations began in our more recent history, it was unfathomable to believe that the man who loved me so much could possibly have been orchestrating cycles of abuse inflicted by others and enabled by him.

Even when the devaluation escalated it came along with a seeming personality and values change, and extreme eating and exercise disordered behaviour amongst other addictions, so that was my only thought - that the addictions were causing the changes, and that was causing us to lose us ....... now of course I know that the addictions were symptomatic, and the personality disorder was the driver ......

It's actually quite incredible that all this is now playing out against the backdrop of Covid ...... but that event has created unexpected boundaries and shields. Who could have guessed. The current one is that he can't easily get back from overseas, so we have that respite, organised by him ..... ?!! ..... but benefitting me and the dragon cubs.

I've never experienced NPD from a romantic relationship @Faith-and-Hope only from a parent. I think it means that you can be kinder to yourself.....we are wired to love and be attracted, abusive people take advantage of our biology. You had no reason not to believe him.

Moving in together early - you were young, and excited.

It's horrible that he started putting you down, those words can never be taken back.

With the ED I guess if you have one mental illness you are susceptible to others. People with NPD have a tough time with aging and they are self deluded when it comes to the state of their body - look a Trump's orange skin/spray tan. Their vanity is way above average, they look down their noses at anyone that doesn't have model good looks, which is the majority of us, and always manage to find a partner that tells them how good looking they are. I say they need to buy a new mirror!

This new women would be inflating his ego and pressing all the right buttons, telling him how great he looks......its very painful for you @Faith-and-Hope and its natural to want the universe to give him his just desserts but that probably won't happen. My clin-psych thinks the people who stay in relationships with a person with NPD have similar traits or on the personality disorder spectrum themselves. I can see traits in my mother that point a personality disorder.

Who knows how deranged and abusive he could have become in old age if you'd stayed together. I know it hurts like hell that he cheated on you and left, but sometimes when someone breaks our heart they have done us a favour. Who's to say it wouldn't have escalated more and more. It most certainly did for my father, people walk away from the sort of aggression and lies, including health professionals. That used to really hurt me when I was little, I felt so abandoned, but I understand now that I am older that he was untreatable and everyone deserves to keep themselves safe, even nurses and doctors, they don't have to put up with his threats and tantrums. There was nothing more libidinal than seeking attention in a hospital and have people fuss over him while he told them about life traumas that were all false! It makes me sick just thinking about it.

I just really hope that it isn't a protracted financial settlement and come 2022 there's some finalisation.

Corny

Mine could pour on the charm @Corny, and did in hospital settings ..... self-effacing and appearing humble, which is what I thought he was until the latter years.

I feel like I am over the betrayal. It not only capped it for me, it suddenly threw the whole thing into perspective, along with the NPD info my counsellor was sending me / alluding to, She was certainly scanning my history, looking forward an NPD parent in the background, because from what I am learning, that is the usual thing that happens ..... whereas I was a Bambi ..... thought I could recognise a bully, but not one in disguise, apparently.

I think if he hadn't suckered everyone we know, I might be feeling a bit more stoopid than I do ..... 😏 .... but I also have enough self-compassion to recognise that I (and everybody else) would either have had to have superpowers to recognise what he was, or past (horrendous) experience with narcissism, neither of which I possess.

It does mean that our children have come through that experience though .... but not in their early years, because he was so work-absent, That sure feels like a blessing now ..... and the betrayal feels like the biggest blessing at the moment too ...... not for what it was, because that really sucks, but for what it means in terms of being free of him from now on, beyond the loosest of links, hopefully.

I would have more empathy for the gf, only she has shown herself to be a nasty pasty too ..... so they truly deserve each other in my opinion.

I have dragon cubs to keep looking after, and try to help heal.

@Faith-and-Hope @Corny @Teej 💪🌺🤗💕

You're not stupid @Faith-and-Hope .

Sounds like he's made a real dogs breakfast of all of his relationships, but that in itself is a sign of NPD, volatile relationships and difficulty maintaining them on every level, with family, children, colleagues, friends.

The betrayal is only a blessing because of how you decided to deal with it, and were determined to keep your dignity and self respect. Lots of people would have stayed, and made up lame excuses to hide their lack of conviction. He would despise you all the more for having the courage to leave, because underneath he is such a weak person and cannot survive on his own, without a punching bag.

I am glad that you were able to access a counsellor that took his behaviours and treatment of you seriously.

If he is in a relationship with a cruel and nasty person, they deserve each other.

She can change his nappies when he is incontinent and infirm, not your problem!

Corny

👍 @Corny .....

@Faith-and-Hope

❤️ @Former-Member ..... thinking of you too.

I am so relieved my soon2bx has gone away, I can't tell you. He is locked into his disordered eating cycles in another land, one which is under lockdown and the resources I believe he was depending on will be hard to access .....

What does that mean for me ? A bubble in which I can breathe at the moment.

Will Covid keep him where he is right now ? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Has he gone for "good" ? 🤷🏽‍♀️ That depends on who you speak to, because he has told different things to different people.

What does that mean for me ? He is laying claim to my D2 going there for long periods of time ...... and if he succeeds in duping powers that be regarding control of people such as her ..... 🤷🏽‍♀️

While I know he is still so unwell, I have to wait for that to take its own toll on his health, whenever that May or may not be ...... so nothing is given, nothing is sure, nothing is safe, and at the moment, despite some resolutions, there is still no end in sight.

There will have to be one day.

Floating, not swimming, at the moment ...... and sooooo tired 😔

@Zoe7

I hope the 'powers that be' fully grasp how disruptive (and I believe unsafe) that would be for D2 and they see through his lies and need for control and let her stay with you @Faith-and-Hope - where she belongs