Understanding my psychosis

@Elliot Hi Elliot and welcome to the forum. I can only speak for myself but when I was full blown psychotic I was so sick I didnt know what I was doing or how my actions were affecting others. I still am not sure what was real or what was in my head so it is hard to 'feel' sorry for things I am unaware of. I know some of my actions were out of control but as a dear friend said to me these actions were not me they were the illness.

It is hard to feel sorry for actions of which happened because you were sick. I did more damage to myself during the psychotic stage than others I think as I became anorexic, self harmed and lost my family and became homeless during that period. If it wasnt for my mother I wouldnt be here. I didnt care about my well being as I was so ill. If you dont care about yourself it is hard if not impossible to care about others particularly their feelings.

Dont be too hard on yourself. It has taken me a few years now to feel anything at all. I now have regrets over my actions so have promised myself to take my medications and see my doctors and never put my family through this kind of hell again. That is the best way to prove that you are indeed sorry for your actions. What do they say 'the proof is in the pudding' or 'actions speak louder than words'. pea

Hey @Elliot welcome to the forum.

@Bunniekins has really covered most of what I wanted to say.

You sound like a compassionate person who cares about the impact of your actions on others. I don't hear any sense that you are dodging responsibility.

You said "It’s almost like what happened wasn’t me". That sums it up for me. There is a real disconnect between what happened when you were unwell, and now. There are likely issues with memory, and your reality differing from those around you at that time.

As for friends... they will see how you are now, and maybe wonder what was going on then, How much you tell people is a really personal, difficult decision but 'I was really not myself' is a start. It might take time to win someone's trust but if they can see that things have changed for you and you are consistent in how you treat people now, that is key.

Take care

Hey green pea, thanks a lot for sharing your experiences. I’m sorry you had to go through all that. And it’s great to know you are doing better now.

Yeah I feel like I'm going through this stage where I am remembering a lot more of what happened from that period.

And since I'm off all my medication I am feeling a lot more of everything, happiness, sadness, regret, ect (good and bad)

I'm always thinking about ways to distract myself from these negative thoughts that are causing regret.
don't get me wrong I'm doing great, like I have a lovely family, I just bought a car and I have a job.
but it's just lingering thoughts at night that keep me up.

making me feel like I need to be a better person.

i totally agree that proof is in the pudding But what do I have to prove to mend old relationships?

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@Bunniekins wrote:

@Elliot Hi Elliot and welcome to the forum. I can only speak for myself but when I was full blown psychotic I was so sick I didnt know what I was doing or how my actions were affecting others. I still am not sure what was real or what was in my head so it is hard to 'feel' sorry for things I am unaware of. I know some of my actions were out of control but as a dear friend said to me these actions were not me they were the illness.

It is hard to feel sorry for actions of which happened because you were sick. I did more damage to myself during the psychotic stage than others I think as I became anorexic, self harmed and lost my family and became homeless during that period. If it wasnt for my mother I wouldnt be here. I didnt care about my well being as I was so ill. If you dont care about yourself it is hard if not impossible to care about others particularly their feelings.

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@Bunniekins wrote:

@Elliot Hi Elliot and welcome to the forum. I can only speak for myself but when I was full blown psychotic I was so sick I didnt know what I was doing or how my actions were affecting others. I still am not sure what was real or what was in my head so it is hard to 'feel' sorry for things I am unaware of. I know some of my actions were out of control but as a dear friend said to me these actions were not me they were the illness.

It is hard to feel sorry for actions of which happened because you were sick. I did more damage to myself during the psychotic stage than others I think as I became anorexic, self harmed and lost my family and became homeless during that period. If it wasnt for my mother I wouldnt be here. I didnt care about my well being as I was so ill. If you dont care about yourself it is hard if not impossible to care about others particularly their feelings.

Dont be too hard on yourself. It has taken me a few years now to feel anything at all. I now have regrets over my actions so have promised myself to take my medications and see my doctors and never put my family through this kind of hell again. That is the best way to prove that you are indeed sorry for your actions. What do they say 'the proof is in the pudding' or 'actions speak louder than words'. pea

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It has taken me a few years now to feel anything at all. I now have regrets over my actions so have promised myself to take my medications and see my doctors and never put my family through this kind of hell again. That is the best way to prove that you are indeed sorry for your actions. What do they say 'the proof is in the pudding' or 'actions speak louder than words'. pea

Hey @frog , thanks for responding.

i appreciate your kind words.

but yeah honestly the hardest thing was losing my best friend through this.

we were only friends for 1 year but I then transistioned into psychosis during the end of the friendship.

my family stuck with me because they know who I really am and knew that I was sick.

Yeah as I said to greenpea, as I'm getting better the strong good memories are making me feel like I'm missing out and the bad memories obviously make me upset.

yeah I'm just rambling on I guess haha

Hey @Elliot , good to meet you.

Hmm, well I have schizophrenia which means chronic psychotic symptoms. So I'm different to you in that I did not have florid psychosis then and I'm better now. I'm permanently damaged.

My MI was caused by chronic child abuse by my primary care giver. So I have complex, developmental PTSD. Or chronic psychotic symptoms, or schizophrenia, or whatever you want to call it. My point is, I went through so much trauma that it broke me & burnt me out. I no longer have compassion and empathy like I used to. I don't care if someone has suicidal ideation, I just expect them to access supports & be independant like I am.

I totally get what you say that cruelty to animals in absolutely unforgivable and very disturbing. It gives me nightmares, I can't deal. I can't watch it on the news, I have to change chanels. But if someone (a human) is sooking, I'll try to appear to be sympathetic because I value my reputation, don't want to appear heartless & need to meet social expectations in order to fit in. But really I'm not interested & don't want to get infected with their negativity & hopelessness because I fought to be as well as I am.

I have wondered if I'm a sociopath...no empathy and so on. Then again, a friend with schizotypal disorder told me they have PTSD from psychosis and feel similarly unempathetic/burnt out like me. I think that's the result of unprocessed trauma in the memory. For me the momories and trauma are so extensive & so early in life, they're not processable in therapy. In fact trauma therapy was quite harmful to me.

So the good news is, maybe your trauma can be processed in therapy. And then your empathy may be reinstated. I don't think the trauma of psychosis is well understood. It could be that it leaves scars on the brain/memory that effects our empathy. Maybe you have a touch of PTSD, I dunno.

@Elliot Hi Elliot for me I have to prove that I am doing the right thing by myself. I have to take my medications, no alcohol, eat properly etc which all help to calm me down, make me 'normal' lol. It is hard though some people will trust you again over time when they realise that it is an illness and that you are doing the right thing by yourself health wise. Whilst others will never trust you again and you will have to resign yourself to the fact that that relationship is gone. Sad but true.

That is one of the hardest things about having a mental illness is the stigma that goes along with it. The general public just dont get it.due to sensationalist journalism etc. I cringe everytime I see something in the news about a person with a mi doing something as it affects the rest of us trying to do the right thing.

Anyways, I am sure that over time the majority of your friends will understand :).

ps: it is hard getting flashbacks of things that happened when you were ill. Yes it happens to me at night too but even talking about it with you now is triggering. How do I live with what I have done? it is hard but I know I was ill and try to do the right thing now is all I can do to prove to myself and those around me that care about me that I am the old greenpea again :).

pps: take good care of yourself. You sound like a really nice person. Dont be hard on yourself and I look forward to seeing you around the forums :). Also if you want to talk with someone put a @infront of their name it will notify them of your post :). Love peaxx

Yeah your right @Bunniekins

probably need to move on and focus on myself.
yeah I need to prove myself for sure. I guess my weakness is seeking a bit of validation from people I care about.

haha you seem pretty normal to me 😊

yeah time seems to heal most things,

but yes probably for my own benifit I'm going to have to let her go completely.
yeah it's hard, but I mean yeah idk.

But yeah good news is most of the people and family have forgivin me so I'm extremely grateful for that.

yeah your right about the stigma behind it. 3 years ago I would be the type of guy to walk away and avoid people that seemed a little "crazy"

but now I'm more open minded and want to listen and support them.

yeah I totally respect what you are saying, I'm going to try and talk this all on board and become good old Elliot again, with just a few more experiences behind me.

yeah look forward to seeing you around the forums too! all the best with your health, no alcohol and medication situation people will look up to you for this!
All the best

Elliot

hi @Elliot if you have no compassion for others and no sense of right and wrong and no remorse then unfortunately you may be sociopathic. You'd have to ask you psychiatrist about that. It's not ok to harm others (emotionally, psychologically, not just physically) so you may damage your reputation, alienate others or even legally harm others, unknowingly. It's best to develop insight.

I have compassion fatigue due to vicarious trauma, as an adult, and lived experience of repeated trauma when I was young. Despite that damage, I have a strong moral compass (a strong sense of right and wrong) and I feel remorse. I know I'm a good person 'cos I feel remorse, I have a conscience. Are you saying you have no remorse and no moral comapss?

If you've done harm to others while you were psychotic, perhaps that would best be processed by apologising. It's not healthy to keep it bottled up. Then you can move on and it won't keep you living in the past.

Hi and welcome to the forum @Elliot.

I don’t have any experience with psychosis but wanted to reply.

Most people will go through something that has consequences and regret at some stage of their lives. I know what you experienced isn’t that simple but hopefully it means that people will have empathy (some kind of understanding even if they don’t understand psychosis)

From my past experiences time to build trust again and time for forgiveness is important. As far as past friends go maybe giving them some information that feels relevant to you might help explain. SANE has one on psychosis Here. I’ve found the SANE factsheets helpful. Your friends might come around and forgive you and move on or not. I think time heals some things.

As as far as seeing the old therapist I think that’s a great idea. It might help you have some understanding, and maybe personal closure, on the things bothering you. It might be good for them also to see how far you’ve come and that you are still working on recovery.

Best wishes and good luck.