Paralysing inward anger - need advice

HI @Former-Member@Louisajean

I am beginning to think I was meant to come along right now - it's not the first time in my life this has happened

My mother died last year - and since then I have had to deal with the repressed memories that I had no knowledge of and also - there were memories I remembered clearly

Anger turned inward becomes depression - I have really bent my mind lately to work out why so many people in my life have been so anti-anger when anger needs to be expressed - it needs to be dealt with

So this has been on my mind a lot lately - and I see anger like this - there are two kinds of anger - destructive and cleansing

If we have no intention or desire to hurt anyone - then the anger can be a fire that burns but does not consume - I have felt as if my anger toward my mother who was very cruel toward my brother and me and broke his spirit - but not mine -

Has been like a fire that has cleared away the mess and stuff and clutter in my mind - confused too - because so many people don't understand it - and I can see my mother as the damaged person she truly was - and I am truly sorry for her.

But no one has the right to abuse children - you both have every right to feel your anger

But it has to be kept under control - and I am still working on that - there must be no resentments and revenge sought - it must be seen that there is no future in carrying someone else's crap around - we need to find a way of letting that go -

But for myself I have come a long way in a short time - and feel the healing

So - please bear in mind that what I am writing is a works-in-progress - but not all anger is bad - it's what we do with our anger

But mothers who hurt their children in all sorts of ways have no right to do that - it's wrong

But ask on here - I am working on something to help myself and all these other people have joined in - and it feels that I am finding something that will really help

I hope so

Decadian

Hello @Louisajean

Thank you so much for your post and support. I am so sorry to read that you also suffered childhood trauma due to abuse from your mother - it's nice to know that I am not alone but at the same time I wished you never had to experience such pain, and continue to suffer.

I find that when others treat me bad for long enough - those painful memories of my childhood resurfaces. I also made the mistake of letting her back into my life a few years ago and she ended up doing it again!! I have been able to successfully move on from that pain in the past and I believed the hurt was well and truly behind me. But when traumatised now all the pain comes flooding back.

And all that inward anger that's once again growing within me - I don't know what to do with it. I can conceal it but I don't know how much longer I can carry this inner turmoil. Something will give. The stress my daughter is inflicting on us I can honestly say is worse than my childhood.

When you suffer that inward anger/resentment is there anything you do or think that makes you feel better - what helps you to overcome it? Do you have anyone you can talk about it to?

I did feel proud of who I was but not presently, now I just feel so sad and weak. My husband said I am doing exceptionally and am strong - but I feel far from that. I feel I just can't endure this situation, this emotional pain much longer. Hugs x

Hello dear @Decadian

Thank you for your post. I know of your present grief which makes your support to me all the more special. The weight of the pain I am under presently is making it hard for me to verbalise and formulate a post - so I hope it makes some sense.

It is true that anger repressed causes depression. I am feeling that way now as a direct result. I can't express it too much as it will worry my husband and he is unwell. So I don't say much - although he has noticed that I have been tense/irritable of late. It's difficult as I can't really talk about it to anyone.

The part I cannot understand is that I have expressed my anger fully in the past but when traumatised and treated badly the painful memories of the past resurfaces - making it all the more difficult to handle the abuse I am under now (from daughter). The present inward anger has taken me by surprise and is distressing me now. I feel like I am losing control.

May I ask what helps you to express and release your anger where you feel like you have regained control of how you are feeling; uplifting your spirit? How do you keep it under control? I feel growing anger inwardly that I don't desire, and am becoming depressed because I feel I am losing control of my life situation at home and also when dealing with arrogant people outside the home. I feel it is all caving in on me emotionally.

We have some things in common. My brother also was adversely effected by my mother and he had a major mental breakdown - he currently suffers paranoid schizophrenia as a result of the abuse. I fared better but it comes back to haunt me at times like this. Thank you for your kind support - it means a lot. Hugs x

Hello @Louisajean

Your post was so soothing - thank you my sweet. I do love to walk along the beach - I will have to do it again soon as it can help to forget things for awhile.

Your son sounds like a dream! My daughter was too until she reached 14 where her moods became erratic - but not as serious as now. Fast forwarding to 20 years old - she has not much respect for us at all. When she was 16 she became violent towards us even though we were all so close. We loved and brought her up to respect herself and others but she got mixed up with the wrong company and started smoking pot. This was soul destroying for me as she was my world.

She improved from that state for awhile but has gone backwards again. Her moods can be unpredictable and very nasty. Other times she is nice - but will use us financially. She can be so rude and hurtful and her erratic behaviour is adversely effecting myself and husband. This type of trauma will also bring back the bad memories and scars of my childhood, as does also any present mistreatment from others. It's snowballing in on me.

I use to drink and smoke to cope - I totally understand. You are such a lovely person @Louisajean - I so appreciate your support and Kindness. Sending you a big warm hug x

oh wow @Former-Member - my life has been interesting

Our mother's voice is the first one we hear - while in utero - and she has all the power of good and bad over the children she has brought into the world - and some mothers do a terrible job

I was born in the middle of the 2nd World War - the word Hirosheema - screams through my brain - and as a child I had recurring nightmares of "bomb clouds" plural - and I became aware that my mother was totally unable to protect my little brother and me - and sometimes I wonder why my parents had children in such a global environment - I am sure it was part of the cause of my mother's abuse

I remember the day I turned on my mother - and I remember closing my mind to her and telling myself I would not tell her anything about my feelings or my life - she would never know how she hurt me.

But I think she broke my brother's spirit - but not mine - I fought her and we used silence on each other - and my Gran was very satirical and I learned that too -

Luck would have it - my father - all my surviving grandparents - I was the first on both sides - and my uncles all loved this bright, inquisitive child so I had many teachers - not everyone has that

Still - I refused to see my mother for a long time before she died - I was not going to tolerate that abuse - as an adult I would sometime stay away from my family for years -

But my self-esteem was poor - and so I did things to increase my self-esteem and I did this with my brother - taking him with me and guarding him - because he was a silly boy - and together we found a life away from home - we were in the Army Reserve and we went to night school and found our place with other young people away from home - and yet

I still had poor self-esteem -

After I had my children and they went to school I finished my High School Certificate and went to university part time and work full time - and did all manner of interesting things - still battling with my poor self-image - until after my mother died and I realised just how fantastic my life had been

So - to answer your question - I did have over-powering anger and often felt as if I had no way out from my mother's criticism and carping - until she died - and I was safe then to remember everything and really admire the tough little kid I was - and how clever and inventive and saved my brother from himself until we drifted apart

My release from my mother's cruelty is very recent - only weeks really - but it feels as if I have really done this all my life - just refused to let her win - even through the nightmare of my life 30 years ago - when the shadows were so dark I could not endure them at one stage

I can't tell people how to get from there to here because we are all different - but I know this - I have spoken to people who have been unhappy and seem to want to stay there - including my mother - but I have not wanted to stay there - and in these forums I have read about people fighting to get out of the clutches of their dark memories and terrible thoughts - and I have been there so I know the truth

This project I have started working on will be what I do with the rest of my life - and there seems little time to do it - but I am a writer and I will

I have found a great treasure and I will share it

I really do hope this helps - but please - feel free to ask more

Decadian

Dear @Louisajean

I actually cried when I read your post. There is some good people in the world - thank you for being a light in my darkness and distress.

Thank you also @Decadian your post also helped and I will reply directly when my nerves settle a bit so I can think straight.

I lost it today and probably my job (which I just chucked in as someone was rude again and I just lost it). I had 3 hrs sleep last night and the night before and struggled to get there and put on my best smile and tried so hard to fake it. But someone pushed me again and I lost it. I could feel this coming on and can't understand why - I was doing so well. Even though today wasn't my fault I would of usually let it pass or handled it better as the person who had a go at me is not a bad person at all. But usually good herself.

And to make it worse my other good friend went to her aid initially, then followed me down the street. I thought she would stand by me as although I could of been calmer, it wasn't my fault. And I told both the ladies concerned that I wasn't well (pre-warned).

But the rude lady said out loud to all "she's not with it - shes lost it". Yet my till tallied perfectly and others commented earlier how well I was doing and how good with the customers - surprising as I had little sleep. But the rude person kept having a go at me at the end of the shift when it was her fault about the intitial confusion and then just started throwing things on the counter and forms at me. I told her just what I thought of that (not happy). She walks off upset. I felt so humiliated and walked out without acknowledging them and don't want to come back. I don't need that. I am a volunteer - I am not paid and didn't have to be there.

My customers like me and that will be the saddest part of me leaving - I truly cared about them. But I can't work with these people anymore - ones whom I though we're friends. Now I just want to hermitise with husband but deep down know that will deepen my depression. I can't win.

And then I get home and daughter has a go at me. It's all getting too much. I truly believe I am heading for a mental/emotional breakdown. I believe I am about to lose everything as a result. I just don't deserve this.

I am quite distressed right now and will post again when feeling a little more settled. I just want yourself and @Decadian to know how much your support and kindness means to me in my darkest moment. You are both treasures and I so appreciate you. And you are helping me through this - thank you. Sorry for the rant - I am highly traumatised right now and dont know where this will end. It's not looking good. Sending lots of love

Over the edge

Sorry it came out at work. Yep as a volunteer we shouldnt have to put up with that stuff ...

I think it takes courage to admit to anger .. we need to do that to be able to engage with it .. my main tools to deal with anger are ... journalling ... digging and gardening ... walking .. very briskly ... but also I am starting to use it (feeling anger) as notice of a need for change ... to set a boundary .. to do something different.

Maybe there will be a better group activity waiting in the wings .. maybe your daughter desperately needs you to set a boundary .. I dont know .. I struggle with being used too ... but am getting more vocal about not putting up with it anymore .. vocalising doesnt always bring results .. but I am less fluffy and marshmallow like ... a bit firmer with other that I mix with ..

Dont let a fixed idea of the self .. limit your growth ... i try and be very careful that any anger gets retargeted aptly .. and not become part of irritability or lashing out at innocent bystanders... I am working with reciprocity a lot.

Take care OTE