Topic Tuesday // Disordered eating & recovery: Building & maintaining hope // Tues. 28 June

@Faith-and-Hope it sounds like you have noticed signs of disordered eating in your husband that are having a big effect on your whole family. Good on you for doing some research to gain a greater understanding of what's going on!

However, you mentioned he is in denial about what's happening at the moment. @Building_Hope, do you have any advice about how to approach a family member who may not recognise their problems with eating?

@Faith-and-Hope my heart goes out to you. Especially when the person you love is in denial. I myself, prayed alot for answers and guidence. Then like you, I went to the GP. It must be hard to see behaviors from your spouse that are effecting your whole family. We are told as adults to lead by example, not always easy. I can only say what helped us the most was forming our army of people that really "could" help. GP, Dietician, Phsycologist. EDV have a great online counselling service. They are fantastic just to bounce questions off. it sounds like you are a very loving and caring wife. You are doing a great job!

Great question @Shimmer

Having an Eating Disorder generally has absolutely nothing to do with food. There is always an underlying or unresolved issue going on. There are so many branches to the eating disorder (mental health) tree and usually people display more then one behavior.

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@Building_Hope wrote:

Having an Eating Disorder generally has absolutely nothing to do with food. There is always an underlying or unresolved issue going on.

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Wow that is really interesting @Building_Hope! Does that resonate with others that disordered eating tends to reflect other underlying distress?

Thanks @Building_Hope

Doing my absolute best here .....

We have tried everything, but even support services have conceded that we have to wait for him to emerge from denial, or enter a health crisis that results in (only) hospitalisation (hopefully).

In the absence of being able to secure any help for him we tried an intervention ourselves as a family, but he became hostile and emotionally abusive for months, without being able to recognise these behaviours in himself, so we are walking a bit of a tightrope between maintaining some boundaries, and just turning a blind eye to behaviours we can't control until he is diagnosed and treated.

It feels like we are living with a stranger a lot of the time, with fleeting glimpses of the man we used to know - the mi side of this has been the hardest aspect to cope with and a complete blind-side ...... so we are holding onto the hope that rescue will come, and that we will get him back.

I have heard that sufferers are very grateful in hindsight that you persevered for them .....

There have been times I have wondered whether I was doing the right thing by the kids to stay with him, but as it turns out, he is spending more and more time away from home anyway. The rigid regimen of diet and exercise he is locked into is really not compatible with a family life, which might help to lead him to Pre-contemplative eventually.

Being completely honest is so important. @Faith-and-Hope would your husband go to counselling with you? Sometimes having a mediator there to steer the conversation in the right direction is a good thing. Be honest how it makes "YOU" feel. I"m sure he's not happy with his behaviors, but when we open up to the ones we love honestly he just might see how its effecting his family. Most of all, he needs to know you want to grow old together!!!

@BlueBay it sounds like you're feeling really stuck in that cycle at the moment.

There are ways to break it though. Recognising your triggers and patterns is usually the first step, so in fact noticing that it often occurs when you are home alone is a strength! Then you can work towards changing your eating patterns and addressing underlying factors that are contributing too.

A great book I am aware of to help break this cycle is this one:

You are not alone in feeling ashamed, but I encourage you to be kind to yourself - your disordered eating is a pattern that has developed over time to try and cope with distress, and that's okay, you're just choosing to try and move away from it now. I imagine that being hard on yourself leads to negative feelings that trigger further overeating. That is why being self-compassionate is key

@BlueBayit is completely normal how you are feeling. Have you tried support groups? There are so many people that feel the same way. It can be comforting to know you're not alone.