I’m crying 😢

Every single time I’m alone, even in crowded places, I weep. I feel pathetic when I do it. I was out shopping today accompanied by only cruel voices and my credit card and I had to leave because I wasn’t enjoying it. Yesterday when I was alone at night for about four hours, I was pretty much unable to distract from my voices. I ended up wanting to harm myself. I didn’t but the urge was there. I also wanted to drink, but instead stayed sober.

I keep having these bizarre fantasies of living life like a celebrity, but instead I’m fixated on being a train wreck of a party girl. A few times now I’ve maxed out my credit card buying fashionable party clothes, tattoos, piercings and expensive alcohol. I keep thinking delusional (or so I’m told?) things like I’m better than the kardashians. Then I glimpse myself in the mirror and see I’m crying. Truth is, I’m 40 my back is that of someone twice my age and I’m not popular enough to be a socialite.

Now the voices in my brain lately laugh every time I cry. Trust me there’s a lot of laughter. Sometimes I laugh too but then I remember why they’re laughing and then I feel like harming myself. This sends my mood plummeting through the floorboards.

I thought about tagging some people in this discussion, but think people will probably read and laugh and that will just make me feel worse.

I’m deadset bawling 😭 and my voices are commenting and laughing. One voice (Asher) keeps repeating “die a martyr”. Don’t worry I won’t!

The Mrs thinks I’m having grandiose ideologies and is worried I’m now crashing down to earth.

Should I worry? Should she worry? I feel really embarrassed as this whole partying thing/celebrity lifestyle (with desire for illicit drugs) has been going on for too long. I feel weird mentioning it because it’s my dirty little secret.

Even when I was doing my course I was doing this. Needless to say the alcohol and drug subject was ‘interesting’.

Gawd, I’m crying again... do I dare say post? Okay here goes...