The Days are Getting Harder to Get Through

It's the first day of winter - lovely weather - and it's a lovely day today too - but I feel as if I am walking through deep water - or something very dense -

It happens every year - and this year I have done well - perhaps it has been unusually sunny and mild - and perhaps having joined this website - and throw in the psychologist - I have managed better - but yesterday - aaahh - that was a bad day and I am not sure if I turned my computer on - of if I did - I just wasn't capable of reading properly - I could not respond

It was not the best day of my life - but not the worst either

So it's all about my son dying and the circumstances - and I rang Life Line and talked to a wonderful woman there for quite a long time - and at the end I was exhausted.

I can't put the afternoon back together - it was too early for my medication but I stretched out on my bed and slept - at some stage I woke up and took my medication thinking I would not sleep - but did - and woke early which was fine - but it gave me a lot of time to think

What I had talked about with the lady at Life Line was the story I tell myself over and over - I did my best without support - and it the lack of support that made it all so hard. I would imagine that parents would care about their children having trouble with a badly-wired child who was always in trouble - and would care and follow through with all they could - and I have proved that I helped my son until he died - but mine didn't

It's terrible that my son died - it is terrible when any young person died - and I am pretty sure my son would not have lived a long life anyway - but the failure of family help - and the man I married who wanted a son so badly did not help - could not help - and the criticism of so many people - church people too - about this uncontrollable child - it tears me up -

This morning I wondered how I lived through each day - and I thought about my life now - and I live one day at a time - and these memories are so hard to live with. I understand people who have limitations - but I cannot understand how a whole family can turn on one member with a serious problem

They blamed me at the time - before he died Dad told me I had done something he could not have done - and except for a short time really Dad and I were always on good terms - and Dad has been gone quite some time

But still - I am outside of most things - I get on well with people - but alas - those memories curse me - and I don't want them - but they are here

And I am safe myself - but as the anniversary of my son's death gets nearer - I feel damned when I know in my mind and my heart - I did all I could for this damaged child - and I don't feel any guilt

After all - I have thought about it all these years - and of course - I think about him every day - why should I not

Decadian 😞