The Days are Getting Harder to Get Through

@Former-Member

For your beautiful girl ........... 💚💜💚💜💚💜💐

@Former-Member

I have had very generous people supporting me with love and hugs throughout my life. I am very fortunate in that. It gives me a lot I can "pay forward" in trying to help others with love and support, and it helps me in doing so.

💗

Have a gentle day ........

You too @Decadian 💐

That is a beautiful candle @Faith-and-Hope - thanks so much

@Former-Member

I have no hard feelings - and yes - I take Vit D with Calcium -

All my life - until my mother died - I had a deeply repressed set of memories of childhood abuse - physical and emotional - that my brother and I suffered at her hands - and most of the memories were something I knew was deep inside - but really didn't want to know about

But at her funeral - these memories came back - and I cried all the way through the funeral and fainted afterwards - and the ambulance took me to hospital -

So these memories are new memories of very old events - which I have not had long to deal with yet. I think I know why my mother was the way she was - and I have made excuses for her as long as I can remember

So a lot of this is new work - but I don't like the way I feel and I am trying to get past it -

Everyone - I feel so cared for with all you are writing - but I have a massive headache and have to lie down in a quiet room and hope I can fall asleep for a while

It's one thing to know about our feelings - another entirely to deal with them - and some people may like to feel that way - but no one I know does -

We are all busy working our way out of shadows - and yet - these shadows are parts of our lives -

Decadian

Rest well @Decadian

There is a reason your mind blocked so many memories for so long, while you had to remain in your mother's care. You know that. It was self-care, self-preservation. The same function will be trying to protect you now, sending you to sleep to heal, recover, restore, through the difficult process of unpacking painful issues and memories.

Please be gentle with yourself, and keep letting us know what you need in terms of support.

Rest well, and peacefully ........ 💗🌸💗

---

@TAWNEY wrote:
In this grief journey i was shocked how all of a sudden the floodgates opened on a dam of forgotten bad memories for me to relive emotionally.. In protest i asked my psychologist if this happens with others in grief or if its some sick thing I'm doing to punish myself? She said it often happens after major loss, especially when unexpected & untimely.

It compounds the suffering but i wonder if perhaps its a kind of cleansing. They say the mind and body have tremendous healing intelligence. Not reacting to it is half the battle for me. 💜

---

I found this really poignant @Former-Member, especially with the understanding of your personal stories you have shared with us. I think you are right, and you have been so incredibly strong.

Hugs 💗💗💗

I am getting people mixed up when I reply - I might get get time later to sort it out and reply individually- but the out-pouring of so much love and care is wonderful - and almost overpowering

When the world hurts us as it will in many ways - we do learn what it is like to be alone and then to have people - often strangers - open their hearts as you have done for me - and I do know I will survive - and be even better for it

@Former-Member

You are right about so much - I have often had the strange idea that my sister would like to be the bereaved parent so she could prove how much better she would be at it - I know what that sounds like - but how could she know. Perhaps she thinks I am attention seeking - but what could she know?

You lost a teen too - I wonder how - in my case there were years of total mistunderstanding - and in the last year or so I have been seeing a psychologist I have seen that my sister and I cannot agree even when we have the same opinion - and not from my side - and jealous of my sister!! D'uh - why would I want to be someone so brittle and delicate and unable to face life - I sigh - yes - I would rather have taken the tough and narrow path that goes up - not the board and wide one that goes down

These memories about my mother I hid from myself - not all of them were hidden - I remember - and not without pride - when I was about 4 and she attacked my llittle brother and me - and bashed out heads together - and I saw my brother nearly dead on the ground - I attacked my mother - and I think she had to stop the physical abuse because once I did that - I kept getting bigger and she turned to emotional abuse and of course - my sister and my daughter who never suffered at my mother's hands would never know what it was like - what she was like - and my brother is an alcoholic

So - I did not abuse my son - though when I was pushed hard enough I would jump up and down on the floor yelling "I'm angry now - are you happy? Have you got what you want?" but I can't see any harm in that - I cant see any harm in questions,

My mother kept up her emotional abuse until I visited her in care one day and she snarled at me and I told her that she had done this all my life and if she did it again that day I would not go back. And I didn't - until just before she died and I saw her sorrow and regret. It was a bit late - but I refused to be snarled at any longer -

But here's a strange thing - I wrote to my mother often saying if she wanted me to visit I would go at any time and that I wanted to see her - and wrote my phone numbers saying just let someone know.- and my sister told me she had read the letters but never got in touch with me - until she was dying

I don't understand that - I really don't -

What would I find helpful from all of you good people here? You are accepting me in this strange situation - and you are letting me know that you care -

And these memories - buried so long - are so strange and hard to deal with - I feel so alone at times - and I wish all of this had never happened - but it did

Forgiveness is easy - forgetting impossible - we need to know what we have forgiven

As for my mother - I think she punished herself for the rest of her life

Please - just bear with me - it helps to have understanding friends

Decadian

We are here with you @Decadian

💜