A long rave

@eth Hi @Anastasia

A belated Happy birthday 🥳 🎂 🎉 to you.
Glad to hear you made some happy memories with dear ones. @eth

Happy belated birthday @eth So pleased you had time away with family and your special day was wonderful

Thankyou so much @Zoe7 and @rivergal Hope today is being kind to you.

Hi @eth, happy to learn you had a wonderful birthday. I looked up the arboretum online, beautiful place to celebrate you being alive, with loved ones. Good to hear you have had that time away in general. How was the road trip?

I have just called time out on in-person ndis meetings where I just sit in a room and tell people I do not know all the difficult details of my life. The activities themselves are great but I need to draw some boundaries for myself about these type of interviews I've had, often two hours of just sitting and talking in detail about my problems. After the last one I had about a week ago, I became unwell.

I've been finding talking a lot in general to be very overwiring of me lately, especially with the large increase in real-life people-contact that's happening with ndis. I can feel the high tension in my neck, chest and upper back, and like my nerves are getting hotter and hotter all over. It's like my body's shock absorbers can't handle the electrical energy in me, especially in my head, physically there most of all.

I'm pleased with myself for looking after myself with limiting this aspect of receiving support from ndis. My support worker and I are also planning a wordless walk in nature, I'm hoping for an ongoing series of them. Talk afterwards if we want. Hoping to do this with her on Monday. Most admin-type communications are now by email or sms.

The activities and treatments themselves are great. I feel truly blessed. Struggling with energy levels since it all started maybe six to eight weeks ago but averaging about four things a week, most of them out of the home.

Most weeks there have been single days with two things on, but I'm trying to avoid this for the time being. I want to be able to keep up what I'm doing each week as regularly as possible, and continue that. If I take on too much, l am less likely to maintain consistency of doing things. Slow and steady is my mantra.

Twice a week I am usually walking to the train and going two stops to the one near my support worker. She has been picking me up from the station but from Monday I will be getting the connecting bus that takes me all the way to her place, and plan to get myself all the way home at the end as well.

Of course my support worker would drive to me and I'd have to do none of that independent traveling, but I prefer to stretch myself in this way, and enjoy the walking, sights and sounds. She actually helped me refind my confident strength on public transport those years ago when she was supporting me on the Phams program.

Choosing to do the same independent traveling to and from physio, acupuncture and any other appointments as well, rather than have C drive me. Some days I'm not up to doing that, or its pouring rain and C then drives me. Some rainy days I've been out on the public transport nonetheless. I have an umbrella that lives in my bag for both sun and rain, bought earlier in the year from the anti-cancer council shop.

Haven't been doing a lot of film-making at this starting phase of my decision to be 'retired' from the competitive parts of life, including competing with myself, the usual race, race, race that's part of working life, even when we don't get paid for it. It's in my nature that I will continue to have some drive in these ways, but I no longer wish to be striving for anything really. Most of all, I am seeking more genuine relaxation of mind and heart, and more simple enjoyment with being alive.

Have been making some bead jewellery and taking a few nature photographs to post on social media. Enjoyed both of those on-impulse activities. May do some art therapy via ndis later on in the year.

Looking forward to my mum coming to visit for my birthday in a couple of months. We are both hanging for it, though I'm also as usual a bit concerned about the potential for triggering with her. Even at 86 I find myself still feeling overwhelmed and unable to meet the level of her energy and desire to talk so much at high intensity.

Will do my best. My intent is always to be gentle and kind towards her but there are always the human frailties.

I am half way through the trauma-release hypnosis series. Second actual hypnosis is on Tuesday. I do not have to relive the memories as part of this. Nonetheless I am a bit nervous about this coming session as it is the one most directly addressing the traumas.

As part of my homework after the first consultation session the psychologist (a beautiful man) asked me to list the twelve worst things of my life in very brief detail. This same homework ended with something much more positive and forward looking. But the act of listing the traumas naturally has brought up some things. I feel it was also helpful in itself to do the list in some ways.

However the past two weeks I have been going through a change of anti-depressant, almost always a difficult time of instability in moods and mind. A couple of nights ago I had a dark night of the soul about the traumas related to my father, not a frantic episode, but deeply emotional.

C helped by keeping me company and listening in a lovely way. I let him go back to bed after about an hour but stayed up all night myself. Last night I slept 12 hours straight. When I started waking up I couldn't remember when or how I'd got to bed!

Hi @Adge really glad @eth mentioned to you the possibility of appealing the ndis decision. She was a true champion in her persistence to receive ndis support. I was like that to a much lesser extent when I was trying to get the disability pension. It took me 18 months and two applications but I got it, and it's very close to the top of the best things that happened to me in my life. Either way, well wishes always.

Hi @Appleblossom it's been lovely meeting you in different places on the forum lately, feeling our connection.

Hi beautiful @Exoplanet

Hi everyone.

@eth

Your use of ndis is inspiring to me. Still trying to work out what I need or want. No longer sure about much, battling on.

My son is a little down, found out some reasons tonight. Walking on Egg shells, but cos I love him.

@Mazarita

You are encouraging me too. Just by still being around.

It is so good you are challenging yourself in good reasonable ways and feeling better about getting out and about.

I rarely have 2 things on in one day, even with NDIS, tho Tmrw I am hoping to do 2 things one in morning locally and one in afternoon across town. See how it goes.

Hi @Appleblossom, moving our conversation in Craft Corner to here. I can see how 'Good Enough Parent' could have been helpful for you. It would be helpful to a lot of other parents as well, I imagine.

There is a strong spiritual aspect to these hypnotherapies I'm doing, not at all religious or of a doctrine. The psychologist and I have discussed spirituality. I feel compatable with his perspectives on this and trust him with any aspect of this in the process of my hypnotherapy.

Oh yes, Mum's full on energy even at 86! She is very easily hurt and has been when I've felt I needed to talk with her about it. We have basically come to an agreement that I will do my best to be patient and she will do her best to give me more gaps to speak, haha. Next stop: some actual quiet time together with neither of us talking!

I'm noticing that being quiet in the company of others has become a bit of a theme with me lately, a desire for more of the relaxation that can come with that, and to quiet my maddening mind, often over-stimulated in real life conversation.

You mentioned your big verbal personality when with high energy people. My general social persona in real life is like that a lot when I am out and about, very highly verbal.

Last time I saw my psychiatrist he counselled me about what he called 'performing myself'. I get that I might enjoy things more if I truly felt like I could be myself. But I also know that an often big verbal personality has been a successful survival skill for me in the social and cultural world.

I was excruciatingly vulnerable and sensitive when younger, so shy and withdrawn in personality, with paper-thin emotional skin. Socialising was like a series of mini-traumas in that state of naked fragility that was my natural personality.

'Performing myself' has helped me get past that, at least enough to actually have fun, smiles and laughter with people, and to enjoy them more, even though on the inside the social anxiety has bubbled on and on and on.

At this time in my life though, I may not need that big performance as much as when I was younger and so I am thinking openly about what my psychiatrist said. In general I'm feeling it's a time to quieten down and it is my intention.

Interesting to know your son has been engaging with hypnotherapy. I'm proud of him too. I actually feel a little connection with him via the conversations you and I have had over the years. There seem to be some things he and I have in common. Bless you both.

Hi @Mazarita and @Appleblossom my two longest-term friends on the forums. Lovely to see you connecting still. And thankyou @Mazarita for the beautiful long posts on the weekend. I read the first one a few days ago but haven't been online enough to get to sane business since several days ago.

Really nice to hear you are both enjoying the benefits of having NDIS supports. Me too.

My road trip went excellently, both the drive there and back - 6-7 hours with just me and my sw, and the time with family - 3 nights.

I hear you about the importance of having some quiet time when with someone, I think it's really something we benefit from. Not being so 'on' for others, just at peace in company. I have it a bit with my adult child and it means a lot to me. And have it with one of my sw's more than the other, but the other is newer and I think we're still learning to really relax and be authentic with each other. I can feel her becoming less nervous and that helps the same for me.

As for my mother - best I don't go there today, fell out with her last week. Will just say at times she absolutely refuses to listen to me and reacts to things she thinks I will say, which are far from my intentions. I no longer waste my energy trying to push through that dynamic between us. She's not likely to change at her age.

I am definitely quieter than I was when younger, but I don't think it's an age thing per se, more to do with certain experiences that changed me. And learning to monitor myself better as I become more aware of my needs through therapy. Not to be seeking approval or masking insecurity so much anymore. The insecurity can still be there but I'm more able to sit with it and not mask it with boisterousness like I used to. This could happen at any age with the right combination of circumstances I think (including earlier diagnosis). Sounds like the hypnotherapy and the relationship with the therapist are going well for you @Mazarita - excellent. Do you have particular goals for the process to accomplish or are you just flowing with it? I once had a therapist that asked me to write my major life events in 6 sentences - I gave him 14 pages!! He was not a good fit and I stopped seeing him after the next appointment when he forgot that I'd experienced sa in several episodes...

EMDR continues to be helpful when it happens, but often there are current-life things that need to be worked on and that gets in the way of processing the past. On Tuesday I finally wrote in detail about one particular assault, the event itself rather than the back story or what came after, and it caused me to have a release (edited because of moderation - did say a p word) that felt like really deep toxins coming out, at toilet and rank perspiration. Embarassing as I was at my writing buddy's home, but she was good about it. I had to tell her how I was feeling. Then Wednesday worked thru' it with EMDR - eventually realising that I am stronger now, more able to avoid, prevent, distance from and defend, and also to live in a safer way ... a really physical feeling during the session of a whole lot of long-supressed energy being released into and from parts of my body that I've been disconnected from for a long time. I think the tai chi on the Tuesday night helped with the process I was going through too. It's been a big week.

Today I joined a thing called a fire circle via zoom - the 5th one I've done this year - and it was wonderful. This one was with an elder who is Native American and Mexican (Dr Anita Sanchez - google her) and she talked about four gifts - forgiving the unforgiveable, unity, healing and hope - in a most profound way. It kind of felt like re-integrating myself after feeling somewhat shattered earlier in the week. One of the facilitators of these fire circles is the Yolngu elder who gave me my name some years ago, so when I heard about them I was compelled to participate. Very interesting work on the many aspects of regeneration, from the personal to the planetary. Different elders lead each fire circle. Amazing some of what has come about through the need to do things online since covid - these are international gatherings and I meet some fascinating people through doing them.

My routine at the moment means tai chi with a sw Sunday morn and Tuesday eve, and out to shops, walk, beach, essential tasks Monday morn and Thurs or Fri afternoon, plus psychology via telehealth every Wednesday. Then most weeks there's a few hours at least with my writing buddy. And around that fit seeing family for a meal most weeks, keeping up with domestics, and toes-up time that I need to keep pace with it all. Usually a couple of hours a day when possible, plus I do nothing but TV every other evening. The DBT course for half a day per week will now start at the end of June and the writing residency looks like starting late June or July for Tues and Fri all day - so things are not likely to slow down any time soon, but I'm open to giving it a try. I had tried hard to not have these things overlap but it's out of my control.

That's probably enough rave for now - look forward to hearing from both of you again when you're able. Take care xx

Dear @Mazarita that was really lovely and surprising to hear you mention a sense of connection with my boy. Maybe it was his clear diagnosis of Bi Polar 1 early on, I won't analyse, but just cherish it. Thank you. Hope you recovered from your mother's visit.

I have been unable to log in to the forum for nearly a week, then today it seemed to work as I went thru my probable passwords ?? so here I am again.

Had a technical and social and emotional meltdown last weekend. Spt wkr helped me thru and I decided to do a spiritual practice which lasts around 30 days, and give myself big gentle space. Found it in a book on my shelves. I easily can slide into a non digital life when it stops for whatever reason (garden, books and music), although I also struggle with the addictiveness of cyberspace when its on. Maybe after this month, I will look at it in a structured way, though I have just signed up to a 12 wk online therapy .... see what happens.

@eth

Yes it is very special to have such a long time connection with both you and maz

Good to hear about your weekly schedule. Sounds very fulfilling and balanced.

Need to catch up on my notifications.

Will pull back a bit from time on the forum, but check in regularly.

Cheers and Go Gently ...

Apple

Hi all,

@Appleblossom thank you for feeling that way about me relating to your son through the conversations you and I have had over the years. Mum doesn't visit until the end of July, we talk on the phone every week though.

Yes, cyberspace is addictive. I've pulled back on it a lot too lately, compared to most years past. I am more interested in getting out of the home and into the real world at this time, into nature, and more into my body. This is even surpassing interest in creative stuff. Me too with a meltdown with support worker earlier in this particularly yuck past week.

After my outburst, we went for a walk in the national park. Much more challenging walk than I've done for a long time, in distance, inclines and rough ground. Best thing we could have done with me in that volatile state, body able to discharge some of the overheated emotions. I've also felt stronger and more flexible in my body all week.

@eth so good to hear about your enjoyable road trip and good time with family. Totally nodding my head about the good feeling of freedom from 'being on' for others, and the peace sometimes found in quiet company with people.

Last Tuesday was the core trauma hypnosis, the second of a series of three. I had to come out of it after about 5-10 minutes. A lot of it was about mobilising anger and it just felt wrong for me. Our work before that session had already opened pandora's box somewhat on those old traumas. The process has given rise to a lot of turbulent and unstable feelings in me that I am dealing with pretty much all day every day at the moment.

But the first hypnosis was healing and beautiful, and I like the counselling aspect of working with the new psychologist, so we have agreed to ongoing now.

The fire circle sounds wonderful for you.