Hi everyone, late night post here, catching up at some length on replies to the messages today, and some from yesterday too, followed by a long rave from me about the very strange and disturbing day I've had. So prepare yourself, and consider whether you want to read on: this is a super long post from me!
@Exoplanet, it seems that your daughter's partner has often been a problem in relation to the financial issues that have so complicated things with your family. I feel a grrrr every time I hear about him to be honest. I'm really glad you said no to the extra money. I know how hard that must have been to do with the possibility that it might complicate the reconciliation with your daughter. I'm no expert on these issues by any means, but I have a feeling you did the right thing by being honest with your daughter in your text message. Hopefully it will work out for the better in the long run. It couldn't go on the way it was, and I admire your courage in putting a stop to the worst of it. Hugs and love to you, heaps of it.
How bizarre with the stocked fridge you found in the forest!???
I too would encourage you to see the patient lady as soon as a time becomes available. She may be busy, but if she has a time for you, please take it. You deserve it, you really do, and may need it more at this time of difficult family contact.
While you have been on your isolated digital island, I have been obsessively playing spider solitaire. It's helping me calm down on days where I'm a bit racy or overexcited. We all seem to have our digital escapes these 21st century days!
I wonder what the weather has been like for you in the past day or so. Hopefully a bit milder.
@eth, so glad you have resolved the issue with M's cat. A nice surprise, I imagine, tha she always had a backup plan. Hugs for the tears while talking to her about it. It does seem to have given you relief from anxiety now that you have sorted it out. I hope it gives an extra feeling of empowerment that you did it yourself too, without bro dealing with it on your behalf. I felt that way when I went to the exhibition I was meant to be part of, but dropped out of. At many other past times, I would have been too anxious to go to the event after that. But it turned out to be a beautiful day, and healing in relation to my earlier feelings of failure.
@Sophia1, sorry about your awful night last night. Wonderful that the Lifeline lady was helpful. I actually thought of ringing Lifeline myself today, would have been the first time ever. I didn't do it because I've heard so many people on the forums saying that they usually only make sure you are safe and won't harm yourself, and then leave you to your own devices after that. Might reconsider that impression, from what you have said.
I've tried some 'natural' medications for sleep and depression in the past, but found them not helpful enough for the degree of my issues. Glad you have the prn as well, to help at those particularly difficult moments. I have them too (a muscle relaxant), which I used in double dose today, and needed to.
Sorry you are hit with all those troubled thoughts as soon as your head hits the pillow at night. I agree with @outlander that it's okay to not be okay. That's the nature of the forum, to be able to share the things we are struggling with. Just adding another voice to the chorus about that. I hope you sleep better tonight.
@Bunniekins, gave me warm fuzzies to think of your bunny waking you up to tell you it's breakfast time. How does a bunny wake you up, I wonder. I can imagine how cats and dogs do it, but not bunnies, having never had one for a pet.
On a different subject, I have been looking for a chair yoga class for ages. What do you actually do in chair yoga? Is it something you found online, or did you learn it in a group setting? Interested.
How lovely that your ex brought you flowers.
Like @eth, I worry a bit about you not taking your full meds dose. But always respect your choices and wishing you well no matter what you do. While trying to lose weight, remember to love and appreciate your body however it is in the present moment. It is very good to you as it keeps you alive! (Nag nag, lol).
@Faith-and-Hope, sorry to hear you were flat today. I imagine it's not often you skip church, so that really says something.
Good on you for persisting with your homework, can imagine the feeling of satisfaction in getting stuff done despite low feelings.
As I said above, I've had one of the weirdest and most emotional days I've had for a long time. But like you, I managed to get some work done even despite it: an application to have a video piece included in a local exhibition. I get almost no exposure for my videos in this city where I live. Would be great if there was more local appreciation of them. Fingers crossed. It was satisfying to get that done despite my high distress.
Your posts about aboriginal culture were a surprise to me too as I wasn't aware that you had that past experience and current interest in such matters. I was moved by the part of an exhibition I went to recently (the one I mentioned above to @eth), in which local aboriginal women talked about indigenous culture in this area we live, and told a beautiful dreamtime story from this local area. I too would like to experience more of this, especially in relation to this local area. There are profound lessons to be learned from aboriginal culture.
@Former-Member, great to hear you have someone ringing you every morning to say hi and how are you. That seems like a wonderful blessing in your life.
@Shaz51, good to see you, scotirish sister, and happy to know you have had a 'slack' day. I know how unusual that is for you really, so always good to hear you are getting some down time. I love eggs on toast for dinner, and have it regularly.
@outlander, interesting to read in more detail about what your studies involve, and your aims for the future. It's so great you are moving forward with that, one step at a time, taking account of health and other responsibilities. You are much wiser in so many ways than I was at your age!
@utopia, @Appleblossom, @Zoe7, @CheerBear, always good to see you around here. Hope the day has treated you well, and that tomorrow treats you better.
Well, as I said above, it's been one of the weirdest and most emotional days in a long time for me. The wave of emotions and strife came on so out of the blue and unexpectedly. I won't go into full details, as I fortunately was able to talk about it at great length on the phone with my oldest friend, who lives at a big distance from me, but who I've been close to nonetheless, regardless of frequency of contact, since we were about 13.
I'll tell you though that it relates to a bad sexual experience I had when I was travelling alone for some days around Uluru at the turn of the millennium. Something happened out there that was not clearly a sexual assault, but at the same time kind of was because of the emotional content of what happened, which involved fear and a feeling I had to consent in order to get out of the situation safely. It's hard to explain, and would never have stood up in court. Bottom line I did get out of there safely, but it's left me with some emotional scars, which mostly I don't even think about, but the feelings arose rather strongly today in a kind of delayed trauma way, triggered by an article I read online.
The worst of it today though was C's reaction when I told him about it. I've actually told him about it before, but in a way that did not involve such distress as I felt today. I won't go into details, but he really didn't know how to give me any kind of support about it. In fact I ended up feeling much worse about everything from the exchange we had, which was very weird. In the end, I asked him to go out and visit our friend and stay there until I texted him, so that I could have some space to process it all.
After he left I found myself in howling tears for quite some time. I probably haven't cried like that for five years or more. In fact I almost never cry these days at all.
Anyway, after my long phone call with my friend, who was understanding and great, I eventually rang and said he could come home any time he wanted. A couple of hours later he arrived home.
Eventually we talked about it and I came to understand a bit better the reaction he had, and was able to tell him why I felt so upset at his response, or lack of it, which I think he kind of understood, though he was still pretty focussed on his own feelings rather than mine. But I feel it is fairly resolved with him at this point, or at least resolved enough. But I have to remember he is not the person to go to when in real emotional distress as he really can't handle it. I've actually known this for quite some time, but kind of forgot today in my own overwhelmed feelings. He is a fantastic companion is a thousand ways, but compassion for emotional distress is not in any way his strong point.
Thanks for reading this stuff if you've made it this far. I just had to get some of it out on the page. Believe it or not, I've actually kept the story brief, and not really described in any detail how weird the whole situation actually was, and what bizarre places the conversation took us. I think I've said before that C really has some mental health issues himself, though he's never been diagnosed. I got to see them in full action today, and also came to know more about the disturbed state of his mind at times long past as well. One of the things he told me about was being actively suicidal at age 7.
Anyhow, the last thing we did before he went to bed, was hug for a long time, and said we loved each other. So, feeling more settled, after an awful day, I'll say goodnight and let my double dose of prn medication do its work and hopefully give me a restful, healing sleep.
Love to all. 
