Question for the Guys

@Razzle I am not a guy but i do have these questions I am not sure I would ever be comfortable having sex if i am honest even the idea of just kissing someone is honestly digusting to me and for me it is not so much related to something that happened but i just dont know if i ever want to be with someone else in that way or not. i do want to be close emotionally to someone but physically idk. but i do think that in my case no guy would stick around which in some ways is fine but then there is the question of if i would ever want kids and it just gets even more complicated. but the guys i know all seem to think sex is a big part if not the main difference between being firends and partners.

I agree @Eden1919 , I think a guy defines the type of relationship, having sex means it’s a relationship, no sex and it’s a friendship.

But once it’s long term, and I’m talking 20 odd years, does less frequent sex mean the end of the relationship?

Sorry @Razzle I’m not a male!!!

but this question resonates with me so much. Thankyou for being so open and honest. I’m going to read the posts now. ❤️❤️

@Razzle To be honest I think the same as you.

Hubby and I haven’t had sex for months. And then it was on our anniversary night while away. But if felt to me as an “obligatory” thing to do. And now back to months again.

I get really weird when he comes to kiss me. And don’t like hugs.

But I don’t really care about sex. I don’t care if I never had sex again.

Gee I’m really honest here 😢

I don’t kniw when it changed. Getting older (I’m 54) menopause or childhood abuse, I’m not sure.

I think I could prob be ok single.

But I don’t know if not having sex to hubby means I don’t love him. I wonder what he’s thinking.

Abd then there’s that question - do I still love him.??

@BlueBay I feel the same way about a lot of things that you do. I’ve felt for a long time that when we have sex it is obligatory - I rarely initiated.

Up until I met my husband sex wasn’t something that was done WITH me - it was something that was done TO me. And as much as I’ve tried to explain that, I don’t think my husband really understands. My last abuser used a lot of threats so sex is not (and I doubt ever will be) enjoyable.

I’m only 48, have been married over 26years with 3 children, and now 1 grandchild. Up until a couple of years ago when my marriage started to crumble I had always found my husband attractive, I have always been attracted to him.

But now that I’ve had time to really look back on my marriage, particulary after marriage counseling sessions, I realise that everything I consider to be a marriage - love, support, romance, friendship, respect - they never existed. I so desperately wanted to be “normal” when I met him that I overlooked everything I really wanted in a marriage and put up with what I got instead.

Sex is NOT love, not for me - but he doesnt see it that way, and because of that he thinks we had a loving marriage. I have often thought to myself lately do I LOVE him, and I really don’t think I could put a definately yes to that.

My my husband doesn’t think I love him when I say no to sex - I don’t think he loves me because he doesn’t do all the other things I consider to be a marriage. He doesn’t support me, there’s no romance, he doesn’t respect me, so how can that be loving me ??

Is it that woman think love is a package made up of all those things, whereby a man thinks sex is the whole package?

Hi @Razzle

you’re not the only one. I can’t remember one time where I have initiated. Actually never.

Is it bad? I’m not sure. I do judge myself pretty hard. And you know what gets me? I look at others and they look happy. They hold hands they laugh together. I do get jealous at others.

I don’t kniw whether I got married just to leave home. To get out. And all I ever wanted was to be a mum.

I don’t know.

Love what is love?

You have brought up some interesting points. I’m glad you have started this post.

@BlueBay Yes, I have felt jealous too. I’m happy for my friends that have all the things I would consider make a strong marriage, but deep inside I wish it was me. I used to read through the classifieds on Valentine’s Day in the

local paper (long before social media) wishing there was a message for me. Seems silly now, but it would have been nice to be made feel special. I can’t actually ever remember a time where I was made to feel special.

When we first started marriage counseling I wrote out a list - it was all the things I needed him to do for me. It was everything I had been doing for him our entire time together, but he never did for me. Things like being supportive, sharing the house work (without needing the parade for doing it), putting me first instead of the

long list of family and friends he put ahead of me. Remembering birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions. Most of the things on the list were pretty trivial, but they were things that would make me feel like a wife and equal partner. And you know what?? He couldn’t do one of those things, in the end he used the list against me and said by having that I was setting him up to fail.

I guess the reason I started this thread was because I cannot for the life of me understand what goes through the male brain. When things start going badly my husband is pretty quick to throw the fact in my face that my lack of sex is a rejection of his love - but he doesn’t understand that it’s all the other little things that I find to be love.

If a man sees only sex as love, then does that mean he is fulfilled in a relationship that is only about sex and nothing else? I wonder if in our married life if I had reflected him, if I had never been supportive, never affectionate, if I were just cold, but life revolved around sex alone, would he have still been happy?

I'm a male, we are just different to women, were not aliens.

I love my wife but I don't feel conected unless we have sex, if we haven't had sex for a long time I feel like she just doesn't care about me anymore.

Simply no sex in a relationship makes a male feel rejected and can impact on their overall self esteem. Utlimately if there is no intimacy in a relationship a male can feel like his partner has checked out of the relationship all together.

Over time a male may question why he is with someone who he may feel doesn't care and doesn't want to connect and he may start to look for a connection elsewhere (it's not just the sex but the feeling of being connected).

There needs to be open communication to better understand each other, but both parties need to be willing to open up and talk. If you can't work it out you should consider conselling so both parties can understand were the other is coming from.

He would feel like you don't love him and you've checked out of the relationship.

Both sides need to have some empathy for each other.