EMDR - Has anyone done this

Hi again @Zoe7 , this is a reply to ur later msg ystrday.

Thank u for sharing ur experience re getting the meds right. Pre MI, I had no idea it was so difficult. And that's with the incredibly dedicated team u had. I'm sorry it was such a hard road for u too, and that u had severe reactions, that's not nice at all. We're u off work for that 2 years or were u able to work for some of it? I'm sorry ur recent change in meds has upset the apple cart a bit, and that uv recently bn in a really dark place. I remember u not doing too well a few weeks back. It's good that the meds have helped u so quickly. My problem is that I firmly believe that some of the non active ingredients in the meds actually make my stmptoms worse so I'm scared that whatever they give me is just going to make me worse. Hence why I don't hav much confidence that going into hospital is going to help me get better.

I agree with u however that it is a necessary step, I'm just not sure if the step is going to have positive outcomes.

Thank u for listening to me again Zoe, for hearing my frustrations and fears, for supporting and encouraging me. U rly r a gem and I so appreciate it.

Thank u for walking this road with me.

Hugs xxx 💜 Doglover

There are so many different meds, ingredients and possible side effects @Doglover so I hope you can find some that help. I can hear your fear around the one that you are going to be put on to begin with and hope that it is not working - or worse you have sever side effects - then they will change it quickly. Sometimes it does take time for meds to work properly and often that interim period is incredibly difficult. It makes it harder for you thinking that it is going to be extremely difficult when you do go into hospital but at least you will be somewhere safe and have support.

I was off work for over 2 years. Besides the MI and sleep difficulties I was also extremely exhausted all the time - post viral syndrome that really knocked me around for months. That also lead to a deepening of my depression as I could not physically do anything - even the simple things like cooking or washing made me totally exhausted. It was a very tough couple of years and there were several times that I wanted it all to end - and tried. I had nothing to keep me here - even my fur babies were no incentive - I was in such a dark place. I did have the support of my GP, pdoc and psych - and the forum and SANE chat - but no-one else in real life. Looking back on that time I do not know how I survived - much by luck more than design. I still have those thoughts but do not act on them. Some days I wish it had all ende back then but then the next day rolls around and is often different. A day can really matter as we struggle with our thoughts and pain - so hold onto each positive as you can because those are the moments that sustain us.

@Zoe7 thank u for sharing so openly with me. I don't know what to say. Ur openness and bearing ur soul touches my heart.

I am so sorry for those incredibly dark times that u have bn thru, how hard that must hav bn, and continues to b at times. And yet here u are living a functioning life, working, being such a blessing to so many ppl hear on the forum! You are amazing! To have come thru all that u have and to now b using that to help so many others is very special and I for one am exceptionally greatful.

I understand about even ur fur babies being no incentive. I love my fur baby but I just don't get the pleasure out of her that I used to, or anything else for that matter. I'm just going thru the motions to get thru each day.

It is amazing u survived thru that time Zoe, with no support other than ur medical team and sane. Did u not have any family or friends that supported u thru that time? That must hav bn incredibly tough.

I hav my husband but his support is very intermittent and more often that not he is hard and distant, so that just adds to the pain and suffering. My mum has cfs and is in a bad way at the moment so she is unable to offer support, I do have an elderly lady friend that I talk to some nights who does what she can, mainly listens and usually prays for me which is nice. So I have minimal ppl support too, tho a little more than u. Tho I don't hav the amazing team u had/hav, that rly is a blessing

I'm so sorry for the dark times uv bn thru Zoe, and that u continue to hav those tough times. But I thank u for using ur experiences to help and support me,and others. I rly appreciate it

Im thinking of u Zoe and sending big hugs ur way.

💜 Doglover xxx

I did not have support from family @Doglover as they had no idea what I was going through - they would not have dealt with it at all and if they knew it would have been smothering - not at all what I needed. Much of what I was dealing with I could not tell them - for many different reasons. My parents have no idea what I have been through and would destroy them - I could not/cn not do that to them. I did try to talk to my sister years ago but she made it very clear that she did not want to know - I know it was too painful for her to hear but that certainly did not make it any easier for me ...I understand but it still was hard for me.

Sonmetimes things are 'easier' kept to ourselves - and that is exactly what I have had to do with family. I do not have any friends I cn talk to - infact only really have one friend but she lives in another state and I am finding it hard to connect with her recently as she is also going through her own difficulties and I can't be the kind of friend she also needs because I do not have the energy to support her either. It is super hard because I love her a lot but I also need to protect myself right now - especially with work taking up so much of my time and energy.

It is good you have that friemd to listen to you Hon - that is awesome. I hear you about your husband and how internittent that support is - that does not make it easier when he is so unreliable. We need ongoing and open support otherwise it further adds to the difficulties we face.

I did have amazing support from my GP, psych and pdoc - for a long time I was seeing my GP every day and she would text me on weekends and her day off during the week - and I saw my psych a couple of times a week through that same period. It made me get up and out of the house at least and was a great avenue to check in and talk if/when I could. I also had regular contact with the wonderful people at SANE through chat. I can often write better what is going on - find it hard to actually talk. Have you ever used SANE chat or helpline? I can highly recommend it as an extra option for a little support.

Hey @Doglover How are you travelling Hon?

Hi @Zoe7 ,

I'm so far behind on my forum replies - this is a reply to your post 2 days ago.

I have bought myself a keyboard that can blue tooth to my phone so I can type replies on the keyboard rather than my phone. I'm hoping that it's going to make it a bit quicker to do my forum posts. It's a different keyboard so just getting used to it at the moment - not sure that it's quicker yet but hopefully will be.

I'm so sorry you didn't have that family support Zoe - all the more reason why having that amazing team around you was so crucial. I'm amazed that your parents don;t know anything of your journey. You must have done a good job of keeping it to yourself.

I understand about not having friends, I don't really either. The only friend I could say that I have that I can share my struggles with is an 80 year old lady. I can't talk to my mum anymore because she is unwell herself (a bit like your situation with your friend) and I can't talk to my husband either. So I feel very alone. No doubt you have felt very alone throughout your journey also.

You were so blessed to have that amazing support that you did, I really wish I had tahat, I just feel so alone. Even today, there's no one I can talk to, not properly, and I really feel like i need it.

I have never used the SANE chat or helpline Zoe, or any helplines for that matter, but thanks for mentioning it. Maybe times like this wehn I'm feeling so alone would be a good time,

So as you know I have been counting down the days until my private health insurance kicks in, which is Monday. Saw my pd oc on Wednesday, he has done a referral to a particualr psych that runs out of one of our private hospitals and have found out they have a 3-4 week wait for a bed! Surely the psych should have known there would be a wait and got the refrral done sooner. Not that I am at all looking forward to going to hospital, I am petrified as you know, but I am also going through torture every day so now I've got to go through more days of torture before going into hospital for more torture. I'm pretty bummed about it. The psych he referred me to said it would be a 7-10 day wait, the hospital said 3-4 week wai, so don;t know which one is right, I guess I just need to get myself prepared for when it happens. Went and bought a tracksuit today, tried to buy some pyjamas with no syuccess, bought a puzzle book too. Just trying to get some things organised for whenever it happens. But I'm really scared at how bad its going to be Zoe, I really am.

Anyway enough from me.

How are you doing Zoe? Are you having a restful weekend or do you have school work to be doing?

I hope that you are well.

Love Doglover xxx

PS: Sorry I havent fixed up all the typos, it's actually quite difficuly to do.

Having to wait even longer is ridiculous @Doglover The mental health system in so many areas is so broken We pay a fortune for private health cover yet there are not the beds avilable when needed and if we have to rely on the public system people are so easily pushed out the door for lack of services/beds as well. The government promises more money will be spent on mental health but one must wonder exactly where that money is going?

I know it feels like you are constantly waiting for hospital but you have gotten through the last few weeks so I have no doubt you can get through the next couple. I will keep my fingers crossed it is sooner rather than later. I know you have fears about hospital but it is very much what you need to try to find a resolution to help you out. There is no doubt it is going to be very hard but you will have support and ongoing care to get through it.

I have been having a complete rest day. I know I should be doing some work but have slept half of the day. I figure I must need it so just going with the flow. I couldn't sleep last night so got up and finally fell aslepp on the couch in the early hours so catching up was probably inevitable. It will probably mean I will be up a bit later tonight but will use that time to get a little work done. Watching footy at the moment and snuggled with Toby

I was pretty gutted when I found out @Zoe7 . I really think my pdoc should hve known this and started the ball rolling early so that when insurance kicked in things would be good to go. now I have to pay and extra 3-4 weeks of insurance just to wait, not to mention the torture that I am going through.

I agree with your sentiments entirely. I donlt want to bag out public hospitals becasue I havent been to them all, but the public hospital I would be going into were I not be going private (assuming I can wait that long again) leaves so much to be desired, it really does. Its about 50 years old and looks it, and the services are abysmal becasue of all the funding cuts. There are no programs during the day and the patients just wander around wondering what to do with themselves. That's why I didn;t want to go there. I hope this doesn't get removed becasue of what I am saying, I am only speaking about 1 unnamed hospital and my personal experience with it.

Yes I am very scared about going into hospital but I know I don;t have a choice. I cant keep going as I am. I just wish I had some confidence that going into hospitl will make a difference, but for various reasons some of which I'm sure I've already explained, I don't. I apologise Zoe if I repeat myself at times, or if I think I've told you something I haven't, my brain really is scrambled, I can't think straight and I dont know what I've told who. As much as I am petrified of going into hospital, I hope it is sooner rather than later. Each day is torture because of my physical symptoms, but also because of all the thoughts running throguh my head about hw bad it's going to be, what theyre going to do, how I'm going to cope, am I going to be climbing walls, if so what can they do to help, etc, etc. It's not a pleasant place to be.

Nice that you have had a rest day Zoe, that's great. As you say, you must have needed it to have a big sleep in like that. I can't sleep during the day anymore. I used to be able to but now with my head symptoms, plus mind racing and body restless it's just not possible now. Which is a bummer because I could happily have a snooze to use up some of the hours in the day some days becasue I often find the days very hard to fill. Sounds like you really needed that catch up. How are you with sleep normally? Was last night just a one off bad night or do you have problems sleeping? Are you on meds to help you sleep?

Is Toby a dog or a cat?

Today/tonight is a particularly tough time fo me. It was my brothers 50th birthday yesterday and he is having a big celebration tonight and I can't go because of th state that I am in We talked about it and agreed that it would be better if I didn;t go. It's at a pub, there will be dozens of people I haven't seen for years all asking how I'm going and what I've been up to, my brother and sister in law felt it would be too much for me and in the better interest of my MH not to go. Which is probably correct but tough now I have to to deal with the pain of not being there. I totally gutted about it. It just epitomises how MI has completely screwed up my life. How I'm not the same person, can't do the same things, don;t enjoy things I used to, me and my marriage are just a shell of what I/it once was. I'm just totally gutted tonight Zoe. It's a real tough one.

Anyway, I'm sorry to dump on you again my friend. I hope you enjoy your chill night and thank you once again for being there to support me.

With love and thanks, Doglover xxx

PS: Sorry for the typos again

Absolutely no need to be sorry about anything @Doglover - especially 'unloading' everything here This is exactly what the forums are for Hon and I am more than happy to support you through all this. Don't ever worry about what you have or have not written before either - sometimes we need to write the same things often - it is an outlet for us as much as informative for others. ...and typs are certainly no drama at all

I understand your frustration and sadness with not being able to go to your brother's birthday but it seems like he and your sister in law have your best interests at heart. It totally sucks that your MH is affecting your presence there but I also think your insight into what you would and would not be able to cope with is wonderful.

I so hear you about your fears for hospital Hon - it seems a no win situatio for you but when it comes down to it you have no other option presently to affect change. I do really hope that it is not as difficult an experience as you think it will be and I also hope that those around you are super supportive and the care is exemplary.

I do agree that your doctor should have got the ball rolling earlier but it is what it is and I know you can get through these days/weeks as I have already seen your strength here Hon.

Toby is a dog. Cat is of course a cat. I call her Cat here as her name is unusual and would be easily identified. They are both very precious to me and such wonderful company. Toby is my little shadow - he follows me everywhere. Cat pretty much just does her own thing as most cats do but comes for cuddles occasionally.

I had many, many years of not sleeping. It took over 2 years to find meds that help. Since the change in one of my night meds several weeks ago I have had some trouble again. It is a difficult one because my depression has improved but I am not sleeping well again. On the plus side I do not have as many nightmares as I used to but there are nights when I am awake several times despite a combination of sleeping meds. I also need to be awake enough during the day to function at work so it is a bit of a dilemma right now. We are persisting with the meds I am currently on though as I am coping on the whole much better presently.

Thanks again so mucg for your support @Zoe7 and for putting up with all my unloading. I forget what I have and havent written and what Ive said to who as my brain is just a fog. Thanks re the typos too, it takes so long to go back and correct them because my curser just wont go where I tell it to on my phone.

What sort of dog is Toby (if tha's not too identifying). I have a bitsa who I love dearly but feel sorry for her that she doesn't have the life she once had pre MI. There's a lot of things we used to do that included the dog that we don;t do anymore so her life is rather boring. I feel really bad about that.

Re my bros birthday, yes they definitely had my best interest at heart. I'm seeing the photots come throguh on instagram now so that's pretty heartbreaking. Texted my bro today and he said they had a really wonderful night which was good. Just so sad I couldnt be there.

Thank you so much for your thoughts re hospital. I really hope the same things to Zoe, thank you. As much as Im not looking forward to it and its the last thing I want to be doing, I also just want to get it over and done with the the waiting just sux. And every day I wait I ruminate over all the worst case scenarios which really doesn;t help matters.

Yesterday, last night and today my symptoms have been really bad so I'm not even sure at this stage if I'm going to be able to hold out for private hospital admission, which would really suck given how long I've waited so far. If it gets to the stage where I'm not sleeping then that's a bad sign for me.

My dog doesn't cuddle up with me - shes quite aloof. She likes to be in your general vicinity but hates affection which is a real shame. I'd love it if she would cuddle up like Toby does but shes just not like that. She does show her love in other ways though.

That must have been so hard all those years you went through of not sleeping Zoe - what torture! What a difficult process that must have been to go through! That's a tough one with the recent change in meds too, less depression but sleep affected. I guess only time will tell whether the pay off is worth the affected sleep. My symptoms are starting to aaffect my sleep more, even with quite high doses of AP's for their sedative effect not the AP effect. I am also still on the short term anti anxiety meds which I take at night for their sedative effect but I'm not sure they are doing much anymore. I'm glad you are coping much better generally and hope the leep doesn;t become an issue for you.

I see my pdoc tomorrow again. I have no idea what I'm going to say to him or what the outcome of the meeting is going to be. I just want off all these meds coz I honestly believe that they are screwing with me big time. They are spposed to be making me better but I don't believe they are. But how I get off these short term anti anxiety meds after 10 months I have no idea.

Anyway, I had better go. Thanks for listening again Zoe and for being such a winderful support, I so appreciate it.

Love and blessings,

Doglover