Lost my faith in everything

So i am still here...i don't trust my partner to look after my animals so I am still here...but today...one of my 3 chickens is dead...no illness...no signs...just dead...she was one of the first 4 i got last year...one died of Marek's which i nursed 24/7 for 2 months...2 were boys so we had to give them away...and this one...Freckles i called her...she wasn't quite right in the head but she was beautiful...and there she was just lying at the bottom of the coop...the other 2 freaking out...

then i read a letter i got from primary industries yesterday...i recently bought a block up a mountain and while it's a run down shitty old mining town...they have deer roaming the street and it's so beautiful...it's like a disney film when it snows...this letter is saying they are going to start hunting deer up there...i haven't even got to spend any time up there and appreciate the beauty of fkn deer roaming the streets and they want to "hunt" them...

so 2 more things that keep me here have been taken away from me today...so go on...what advice have you got?

moderators...why was this morning's post deleted?

Hi @Former-Member thanks for bringing this to our attention and sorry that your post didn't go live, we had a moderation error but you should now be able to see it on the forum. Our Community Manager is currently looking into it what might have happened. Thanks again for flagging this with us 🙂

Today's events have made me realise a very important thing that I need to remember if I am going to stay in this life...the life i want is NOT going to happen...and i need to get used to that...bad things will keep happening...ppl won't care about things the same way i do...ppl won't understand me...ppl will be a$$holes...things will not go as i hope or plan...and i need to stop being angry about it...i need to stop crying about it...as my partner always says...it is what it is and it is shit...who do i think i am to be given what i want...i am no one...i haven't done anything to deserve good things...i have been given exactly the life and the pain i deserve...and wanting others to share that burden is absolute selfishness...needing others to understand is asking too much...expecting ppl to help is pure ego...

Hi @Former-Member , I'm sorry to hear about your animals and recent troubles. It's a shame your partner isn't more supportive of what your going through. I wonder how it would be if the shoe was on the other foot? Nevermind. I think the way we look and thnk about things is what brings it to life. If you have no expectations or needs then they are most likely going to be unfulfilled.

If you feel passionate about something, which it sounds like you are, then anger and being upset about things can be highly motivating. There are good people out there, they might be harder to find than we wish. Hopefully you can find the support of some. You sound very honest, sincere and passionate and I think you do deserve good things. I don't think wanting others to share your burden with is selfish, its a way of coping and learning. People can only help if you are open and willing to try.

What kind of life would you want if you could make it happen?

What would I want?

to not have BPD

to have my shack up a mountain with deer roaming the streets instead of gun toting a-holes who think they're doin the world a favour

to have my life back

to have the hugs i used to get every day

to be able to function

to be able to get thru one stinking day without crying

to want to be here

Hey @Former-Member,

I'm hearing two pretty devastating things have happened today, where you have lost one of your chooks and that your dream property has been compromised by this news that now deer hunting will be happening there. What do you find soothing when you've had a huge shock like this?

Tortoiseshell

Nothing helps anymore...

hello @TheMurphy
I see that earlier today other moderators have been concerned and have sent you emails to check in with you. I share their concern and am sorry to hear that you are finding nothing helps at the moment. If you are worried about your personal safety please consider reaching out to SANE or one of the services below. Please look after yourself.

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling

Samaritans: 135 247

If in immediate danger: 000

regards Whitehawk

Hi @Former-Member , I've been thinking about you. Wish I had framed my post to you better than I did. I apologise if I came across as uncaring or crass. I wonder if your getting any help with some of this and if your sleeping alright. When I had my downward spiral last year, it was really triggered by lack of sleep and I wouldn't want that happening to you.

I think with some time and effort you should be able to get at least some of those things back into your life. I have bipolar 2, do you have borderline personality disorder or what I have? It's a bit confusing. Can you talk to your partner about getting more affection like you had? I don't think it's a lot to ask someone and as they say sometimes a little can go a long way. I really hope you can turn things around and want to be here more than you do now.

Your shack in the mountain sounds lovely.

I hope your having a better day today.