To hospital or not to hospital

Hi @Gazza75 , sorry to take so long to get back to u.

Rly glad u r doing well and hav bn stable for so long, that must be wonderful. And to be enjoying life is a real blessing. I cannot say the same for me. All enjoyment in my life has gone. Each day is another day to try to manage to get thru. I had a cpl of days recently that were marginally better, but in general each day is torture. Today is a particularly bad day. Tried a new med last night that i was rly pinning some hope on and my symptoms r noticeably worse today. I am just gutted. I hav no idea how they r going to get me off these short term anxiety meds when thr is nothing they can giv me for the anxiety in the long term. We hav run out of options. Its just an impossible situation. Im sorry to be so negative but frankly i am totally distraught atm and just do not see a way out of this mess im in. I just want to live and enjoy life again and i just dont know if its ever going to hapn. Im so scared @Gazza75 , i just dont know what to do.

Hi @BryanaCamp , sorry to take so long to get back to u. I hope ur last day of training went well and that u r know enjoying getting into the swing of the job. Rly proud of u Bryana, i think its amazing what ur doing.

Thinks r still ridiculously tough here. Pdoc put me on new med last night which the hope was that this wld b able to gradually b increased to the point of being able to facilitate a reduction in the short term anxiety meds. Well i took my first dose, the lowest dose possible, last night, and i hav noticeably increased symptoms today. I am just gutted. I just dont see a way out, thr arent ne options left. And nobody will believe me that its the ingredients in the meds that r causing these symptoms, thats why i get worse when they put me on a new med. Its just so distressing.

I also went to the new psychologist today (she had a cancellation) who i much prefer to the other guy. She is alrdy more expensive but she wants to treat me with a technique that involvss 1.5 hour sessions, so an extra $100 with no extra rebate - $290 with $85 rebate, which i just cant afford. As well as that, im not even sure im comfortable with the technique she wants to do - im pretty scared/wary of that sort of stuff. So im pretty gutted about that as well. I rly thought i was headed in the right direction with this new psych but now im not so sure. And the money side of things is a big issue even if i wanted to go ahead with the treatment.

This post posted before i was ready. I edited it and added a whole heap of stuff but when i went to post it it disappeared! Aaarrrgghhh!!!

I hope everything is going rly well with the new job Bryana. You are doing so well. I hope u are getting the hang of things and the other staff are happy to help out when needed. Keep up the great work!

I wont try and post everything that went missing, its too much to remember. But just know that im thinking of u and sending my very best wishes and hugs ur way.

💜 Doglover

Big hugs for you @Doglover

I'm sorry to hear the new neds caused a spike in your symptoms, how horrible and very disappointing. The new psychologist sounds like a better person for you to relate to so that's promising but I'm sorry to hear that your first session wasn't all you'd hope it would be, that's disappointing too. What's the technique she suggested? I've tried many a tramatising technique, including focusing in on severe pain when I had chronic pain, it was a pain management technique. It was worth trying. SOmetimes new techniques are scary to try at first but worth the risk, sometimes we have to experience a bit of pain before things get better, that's often how things go with psychologists, the main thing is you feel safe with them so you can take risks in the appointment and be adequately supported if/when some painful feelings come up. At least she's being creative & thinking of new options for you, it sounds promising even if she's just someone sympathetic/validating for you to share with. When's your next appointment?

Have you seen your mum lately? From memory I think you're close with your mum & knit together. Are you able to spend some time with her. How many weeks to go before the private health insurance kicks in?

Thanks so much for you kind words & encourgament, especially when you're going thru so much stress yourself. It really helps me feel strong. I felt a bit nervous before my first real shift yesterday but I knew I had all my friends at the foprum rooting for me so it helped me feel strong. It went well, the customer were nice! I've got my next shift today & looking forward to it.

take care hon, sending you good vibes today xx

Hi @Doglover , I don't take my physical and mental health for granted like I used to that's for sure. Thankyou for your kind words and support. I'm so sorry you can't find any enjoyment and the days seem so torturous to you. I admire you for battling through and still trying to help other people while you are going through so much turmoil. I can't really comprehend just how hard it is for you with the symptoms you describe. I can definitely understand why you feel gutted. I don't think your being negative, its just how things are right now. It's understandable you feel disheartened after trying different meds and finding they don't do what they are suppose to do.

I hope you are feeling better today and aren't quite so distraught. I think you just have to keep trying things, staying busy and battling through the next few weeks untill you can get into hospital. It's not going to be easy, but, you know that. Keep reaching out here and to any other supports that you can. I know you are scared, I'd be petrefied and a jibbering mess if I was im your position. Maybe you can start working on a plan for when your in hospital? Make a shortlist of your history, what you need to change to try to fix things. I'm pretty sure you have mentioned you have a hard time making people believe your condition so that might help if you have it all there in point form and with timeframes.

I read Bryan's post before and I would give consideration to her suggestion about trying the psychiatrist and the alternative treatment. I know its hard financially, but, maybe you can save and do it if things don't turn around or improve for you before you go into hospital. Either way, we will try and support you. 🙂

Take care

Hi @BryanaCamp , thank u for my big teddy bear hugs - very sweet!

Yes i was rly disappointed with the med increasing symptoms. It was pretty much the last resort. I only took 1 dose but all my head symptons increased and iv bn crying on and off for the better part of 2 days. Its just awful. And im gutted bcoz thrs just no other options.

The new psych is definitely a better person for me to relate to, the first session was ok, just rly emotional reliving a lot of trauma, as well as going thru the trauma im experiencing now. The technique that she has suggested that im rly unsure about is called EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprogramming. Freaks me out a bit, not to mention the cost. Im rly wary of things like that. Hav u heard of it or been thru it urself? I guess im scared of retraumatising when im alrdy going thru so much trauma and also some of these things dont rly fit with my Christian beliefs. My next appt is on monday and i need to hav decided by then what im going to do bcoz we will be putting together and agreeing my treatnent plan, so dont hav long to decide.

I saw my mum last sunday, but havnt had one on one time with her since last week (i think). I rly feel like i need to talk to her about some of these things bcoz i can only talk to my husband a very limited amount. I miss spending time with her. Not sure what she gets out of it tho - im not much fun to b with at the moment - and thats an understatement!

Youre welcome re encouragement. I dont feel like i give much in my forum friendships, i seem to b doing a lot of the taking, so im glad if something i hav said has bn an encouragement to u and helped u in some way. Im so glad ur first shift went well, and am hoping today went well for u too. Thinking of u @BryanaCamp and hoping u get all the rest and recuperation you need over the weekend to recover from ur very busy cpl of weeks and set u up for the week to come.

Best wishes and big hugs back ur way.

Take care Bryana, thinking of u. Xxx

Hi @Gazza75 , sorry to take so long to get back to u, and thank u for my lovely basket of flowers!

Thank u for ur words of support and encouragement. Things still rly bad here. Cant remember if i hav alrdy said but tried a new med a cpl of nights ago and its pushed my symptoms to a new level so im rly devastated. This was pretty much the last resort.

Im even more scared of going into hospital now bcoz it just seems that everything they try makes me worse, so dont see how thats going to b any different in hospital. And il hav less control and less say. And i am petrified and a jibbering mess! I just dont see how this can turn around and im so scared. My symptoms r so bad today, and im rly agitated, the internal burning sensations in my head and body r rly bad, my mind is racing with all scrambled thoughts, racing from one unrelated thought to the next, its just horrible. And anything and everything thats supposed to help just doesnt. Its so frustrating, disheartening and depressing. Im at my wits end and just dont know what to do anymore. I wish i cld see a way out of this! Anyway, i know im just repeating things iv said many times before! So, thanks again for ur support @Gazza75 and@ im glad things r going well for u. Best wishes

@Doglover

I've had a few stays in a private psychiatric hospital. And yes I believe, all except one stay(a long story) was worth it.

I prefer being in hospital when they need to try me on different medications. I like knowing the nurses are nearby if anything goes wrong. I did have an allergy to one medication and the nurses helped me through that.

When I go to hospital, I'm suicidal in thought and sometimes plans. When I leave hospital, although sometimes I may still be depressed, I'm no longer suicidal.

So yes, my hospital stays have been well worth it.

I hope you find the same, if you choose to go to hospital.

Hi @Doglover

I haven't forgotten about your questions.

Regarding medication and the situation you describe I am in no way the right person to give advise, and your doctor / psychiatrist seems to be looking after that well, by doing tests and adjusting your meds etc. I personnally trust my psychiatrist and though I ask many many questions, we then agree on a way forward.

Regarding your questions about hospital and getting off medication:

"Im scared at how torturous its going to b to get of these meds. Was it rly hard? Torturous? " It was hard, I was going off more than one medication. It wasn't torturous and being in hospital for the final taper / starting new meds was the right decision for me.

"The meds they gave u to help, did they help a lot or just a little?" The meds I have been on before worked for how I was feeling at the time, but needed to be adjusted or changed. I am now on several medication, but sometimes they still get adjusted or changed.

"How long were u going thru that process for?" For the last big medication change I was in hospital for several weeks.

"Were u better by the time u came out?" I found every admission necessary and helpful. Unfortunately one admission, the same as 12 psychology sessions, did not work to "heal" 25 years of trauma. It's a process. I'm making progress. It's little steps forward and sometimes a leap back, but I am making progress.

As I said in your other thread, we are all different, no one single approach works for all.

I wish for you that your first admission will settle your meds and your current psychologist and the treatment plan you agree on will help you. Keep asking questions on the forum and remember you are not alone - but you are unique, as a person and with your journey to recovery.

Hi again @utopia , thanks for sharing about ur hospital stays, it sounds like, by n large, these hav bn very beneficial for u.

The thing that scares me the most is that i seem to react to every medication they give me. Nothing seems to work. I can only take it the once bcoz it increases my symptoms too much. Im scared that in hospital thr going to make me keep taking it and my symptons get worse and worse. I believe its ingredients in the medications that r making me worse, as a result of past history, so i am rly frightened. How long hav ur hospital stays generally been? Have they ever injected u with a drug if uv bn in a rly bad way? Hav u bn involved in consenting to whatever is happening? Im so glad the admissions hav bn beneficial to u. I also hope it will b just as beneficial for me if i go down that track, which frankly i think is inevitable.

Thanks again @utopia for all ur support!

Hi again @Former-Member ,

Thanks for taking the time to answer all my questions.

I am having a rly hard time with meds, everything they try seems to make me worse and i am at my wits end. Everyday is torture. I dont think they know what to do with me nemore. Its good that u trust ur pdoc, i cant say i do bcoz of all the struggles iv had. I guess its the meds i dont trust, pdoc is trying his best but i just seem to react to everything.

"Im scared at how torturous its going to b to get of these meds. Was it rly hard? Torturous? " It was hard, I was going off more than one medication. It wasn't torturous and being in hospital for the final taper / starting new meds was the right decision for me." In glad it wasnt torturous for u - thats what im rly scared of. Hopefully it wont b for me either!

"The meds they gave u to help, did they help a lot or just a little?" The meds I have been on before worked for how I was feeling at the time, but needed to be adjusted or changed. I am now on several medication, but sometimes they still get adjusted or changed." As i mentioned, they dont seem to b able to find any meds that suit me, thats one of the reasons im so scared of going to hospital - what if they keep trying and trying and i keep getting worse?

Im rly glad that ur admissions hav bn beneficial for u and that u hav continued to make progress.

Thank u for ur hope for me - i hope that too. I rly hope they r able to find a med/med combination that works for me and doesnt make me worse. Hopefully the psychologist will b helpful even without the emdr as i am heading in the direction of not doing it, but havnt fully decided.

Thanks again for ur encouragement and support @Former-Member , it rly is very much appreciated.

Doglover 💛