Living with wife with probable bpd

Thanks for the thoughts @Determined

bumpy start back. My wife hasn't yet calmed down, eased up a little last night, but back into it today.

Took myself and dogs to the beach yesterday morning and this morning, did myself a world of good. Spent yesterday afternoon with the kids at a playground and we all had a ball. I'm pretty sure at the moment the source of my wife's unease is that with me being back, she won't be entitled to centrelink anymore, so we can't afford the mortage unless she goes back to her weekend job. She doesn't want to go back to her job, so she is telling me she will be getting real estate agents over through the week so the house can be sold. I've had to listen to a lot of abuse/anger directed at my family, I'm letting it wash over for now, I know better than to try and address things when she is like this.

I think she doesn't know what to make of me not 'biting' when she pushes my buttons. She got very angry today and started shouting at me because I refused to take full responsibility for the past 6 months. Our eldest (6.5) is starting to tell her to stop and I can see he is geting connfused about why she is always angry at me since I've been back. After she had lost it at me, I was then accused of coming home so I could make her angry so she would shout in front of the kids. Me staying calm seems to anger her at the moment, I'm guessing its just pushing a boundary which didn't exist before, but I'm hoping it winds down soon.

Not really sure where to from here. The marriage counselling seemed hopeful in providing us with tools to communicate, but after she claimed that the counsellor said I was 'mental', she now says she won't be going.

I feel like I'm just having a whinge now! How have you been keeping?

Hello everyone out there

Could I ask for any stories of success? Either from a carer or a cared for person?

Or if you know of someone else's story?

By success I mean some form of relatively normal functioning and communication between two adults, most of the time

Ta

@wombats sorry for the late reply.

Can relate to the anger at lack of response. For me darling thinks it is because I don't care or am ignoring her. But we are probably in a better space currently than we have been in the past.

Hi @Determined, don't apologise - you have much more pressing things going on. Its good to hear you are in a better space - I need to hear that it can happen

It can defiantly happen @wombats

I often forget just how far we have come until I read back over my ramblings here. In many ways use it as a bit of a journal.

Hi folks

I've been back with my family for nearly 3 weeks now. I'm trying to work things out with my wife. I'm struggling because she won't let go of anything that has gone on. Unless I accept complete responsibility or agree with her, it ends in her getting angry. I'm managing to (mostly) keep calm enough that it doesn't escalate too much. I'm exhausted of defending myself and her relentlessness whenever we try to discuss something. I'm two steps away from throwing in the marriage, I've had enough and don't see her changing at all. Does anyone have any advice/experiences with this kind of situation?

Thanks

Hard one @wombats I know I have had to let a lot go and move on with no hope of a resolution.

I have not actually had to accept responsibility for anything though just accept that darling blames me for stuff without accepting responsibility for herself.

We're so sorry to hear about your trying time @wombats, have you been able to chat to some of your supports about this decision?

Thanks @Determined and @Ali11 for your replies

I saw my counsellor last week, they are really very good and helpful (I was an absolute mess in March/April and I owe most of me not being there anymore to my counsellor), but there isn't too much they can do really. I am given good advice such as how to start establishing boundaries, but I have no idea how to get my wife to accept anything other than in her 'blinkerd' view.

My/our marriage counsellor sugested I apologise for hurting her in the incidences where I reacted/fell apart fom her anger/abuse/irrationality (I was there by myself on Friday), and I saw a different side and hadn't thought that I had hurt her (all I saw was the anger), and it made sense. So I apologised, and agreed that I should've controlled myself better (this is mostly centred around the not taking our youngest to daycare which I mentioned in a post on 20 Jun 2019, my wife brings this up every time), but also try to point out that if she hadn't have been going off at me the way she was, I woudn't have had to make a decision. This only ends in her getting angry.

I can't go back to how it was last couple of years, where I would just accept and agree to keep safe/steady. It wasn't until I was out of the situation that I realised just how much I was doing that, and how soul destroying it is/was. I have been talking to my counsellor about how I got myself here - and there are a few things which 'fit' - i.e. not hugely self confident, so I guess if nothing else I am growing through this.

I think the thing that is sitting on me at the moment is that I want to fix my relationship with my wife, but she cannot let things go. I cannot think of anyone (in our history) who has 'wronged' my wife and been forgiven. I cannot communicate with her as she won't accept anything other than her opinion. She refused to go to our last marriage counselling because she had told me that the counsellor had said to her I was 'mental'. The day after she said that I said it was something we could talk about at counselling, her response was that she wasn't going. I asked the counsellor and he said his words were something like 'sounds like a mental situation' or thereabouts. She said today (after I said I wanted our marriage over) that she will go to our next marriage counselling session, I'll see what happens.

I guess what I'm getting at (in a very roundabout way, sorry - trying to find the right words), is that I am very frustrated as I want to fix our relationship, but the other half can't see any reason for them to put any effort in. All they see is a bad man who abandoned them (the abandonment came up so many times today, more than I have heard before, but maybe I'm more alert to it). I just don't know if I'm wasting my time and energy trying to fix my relationship.

I'm not really in contact with my family as my wife has told me she doesn't wan't me to talk to them about my relationship, due to people being biased, and I can see a point in that. But she has also said that she won't let the kids see my (separated) parents, because they have 'wronged' my wife. This is something I was going to work on/hoped would fall in a better place once/if we could fix our relationship. So my supports at the moment really are my counsellor. our marriage counsellor, and wonderful peoples on online forums. I am sorry for leaning on the latter as much as I am, I would like to help others as I have been helped, but I'm still too lost in all of this to be much use at the moment

Sending love @wombats that sounds like a really challenging situation to be in. It's a common pattern, where one partner is rigid and unmoving and the other is regularly compromising to keep the peace. It works for the rigid partner, but it won't work for the relationship long term, as you've found. Have you had another counselling session since you last posted? Has there been any progress?