Living with wife with probable bpd

Hi Ali11,

the changing of plans wasn't such a big deal (I'm used to it), it was more that the day after being in a session where she says she wants our relationship to mend, and I had said that she needs to consider me in her decision making and also not disregard my opinion, she first was planning on not being there when we had arranged for me to turn up, and that was followed by getting a puppy after I requested her not to.

I did ask in the counselling session how she might have felt if I took the kids interstate over her birthday, and if she had even considered how it might make me feel and there was a bit of a blank look, followed what seemed like the first time she had actually thought about it that way, but that is just my impression.

The marriage counselling is probably the 'safest' place for me to start with the boundaries, but from past experience (in this counselling and other general instances) I know that if I bring up her behaviour in anything other than absolutely positive terms, I cop it in the neck once we leave the room (her sweetness and light disappears once we walk out the door).

It's hard at the moment, I'm going to our house more often to see the kids and they don't like me leaving. Last Tuesday when I went to leave my eldest stood at the front door not wanting me to open it. I also feel the need to be around the kids more to improve their upbringing (they spend waaaaay too much time in front of the tv when I'm not around). So I have this desire and impatience to go back to the house and family, but aprehesion about things going back to how they were, although I am a lot more aware of my situation than I was six months ago.

Thanks Determined,

I haven't had a chance to search for where you explain your boundaries, but I will as soon as I can.

I agree that they should be guidelines, not rules - to some extent what most people regulate themselves by I guess.

I can fully understand you not being able to initially establish your boundaries in person. I'm spending more time with my family at the moment and it takes everything I have to not get hurt or angry (or even just defend myself) when my wife 'starts up', I think I had to take three walks one morning to try and stop the inner shaking which had started each time. I am getting better at it though and can see how having the boundaries can stop things getting to or going beyond a point.

I will definitely talk about this with my counsellor when I see him later in the week. I have also had the 'angry' accusation, usually when I'm already dumbfounded by what is happening!

Hi Met1,

welcome and thanks for joining in - I'm new here too but have learnt a lot already

are you able to say what led up to your wife being diagnosed?

completely understand if you can't or don't want to

Hi all, taking a leak out of Determined's book and posting a summary as it will do me good.

I've been back with my family, my marriage would be completely over if my wife knew I was on this forum, so I have been quiet here.

Things are better and worse, I decided through last week that I would spend two night back with my family on the weekend just been and test the water. Things were OK, so I asked my wife on Sunday if I could return home and sleep in the spare room. She was hesitant, her first hurdle was that it would mean she would have to return to her weekend job. After talking about it for most of the day it was agreed I would go back to where I was staying Sunday night, go to work on Monday, then start living with my family from Monday afternoon.

Things were fine until yesterday morning. I was having breakfast with the kids and she turned the TV on, and was asked if I wasn't letting the kids turn the TV on. I said no, I wasn't going to stop them, but I wasn't going to turn it on for them. This then prompted her to ask if I still believed that all she did was put the kids in front of the TV all day, which is something I brought up in a session with a GP (who was (in)effectively acting as a counsellor) early in the year. I lied and replied no. This somehow triggered in her mind that I was living at my step brother's at that time. (She has issues with my mother, father, and step brother. It is too much to go into here, but no one has been a saint in this mess, but my wife has a very hard time of letting it go if someone has 'wronged' her. Some of her issues with my family are fair enough, but they are also mostly the kinds of things which most people get over). Recalling my step brother brought about a new wave of anger. I nearly got caught up in the escalating mood, but managed to catch myself and diffuse it.

When I got home from work, things seemed better, but after a while she started up about not wanting to back to her weekend job. When I left/couldn't stay in January, after a week and with no discussion with me, she had been to centrelink telling them we were separated. She took 4 or 5 months to get on centrelink payments, during which she refused to go to work as "there was no one to look after the kids", our mortgage was on hold and not good. Now that I'm back she isn't happy about taking that responsibility again.

Our conversation last night went on until late. We couldn't get around an incident from early in the year. We had our first marriage counselling session around the middle of the day. Our house is about 20-30 minutes away from the counsellors. About 10 minutes before we were due I got a message that she hadn't left the house. At this time I was asking to return home, but she was refusing until we had been to counselling. My wife is late for almost everything, sometimes into the hours late. This is one of the things I cannot bring up, as it was always someone/things else's fault, and it will start an argument. But the consistency defies it always not being her fault. She didn't make it to the counselling. At that time, I was helping out by going to the house Monday and Wednesday, taking our youngest to daycare when my wife would go to her weekday job (which she enjoys, so doesn't mind it. The job she refuses to go to on the weekend is something she says is easy, but she doesn't like it). When I turned up the next day, before I had a chance to say hello or walk through the door, I was accused of being angry and drunk, because I was in a bad mood. I had barely finished saying hello to the kids. Me saying no I wasn't ended in me being screamed at, with her following me screaming to the car as I got in the car in the drive way, I left with our youngest, who was upset and I was also very upset as I wasn't coping with these outbursts at the time - I had no idea. I decided to spend the day with our youngest. The mistake I made was not telling the daycare, and I also didn't answer my wife's calls. So it didn't end well.

Anyway, last night was all about how I cannot blame her for my actions, she can't see that if she didn't start screaming at me I wouldn't have left, I need to learn how to control myself, and its all my fault.

I was told numerous times last night that my head isn't right, I am doubting my own sanity today. She told me that I need to leave, I said no, I want to be with my family and work this out. She claimed that I am asking her not to talk, I said no, we just need to learn that when we are butting heads, we drop it for the time being instead of going over the same thing for hours on end. When I said I wasn't going to leave, her response is that she is going to leave with the kids. I am a bit lost.

I asked my counsellor how to go about establishing boundaries, thinking it was going to be done verbally, but they said that what I'm doing (not getting into the argument, keeping calm) is probably the best I can do. I'm not sure of the best way to curb her spending.

I have been reading the walking on eggshells book, lots of the behaviours are familiar to me, and unfortunately the high functioning side is also more familiar to me. Most of my wife's friends an co-workers think that I deserted my family and have been off having a picnic while she struggled. They don't see the woman who constantly complains about not having any money, but doesn't stop buying unnecessary items. It also doesn't help me maintain confidence in my own sanity.

Hi all

I'm interested to hear how anyone in these situations manages with the blame, lack of responsibility, and accusations when anything other than admission of guilt flares things up?

@wombats wow. That all sounds so familiar.

Not sure how to answer how I manage these situations. Probably because I don't. Mostly we just move from crisis to crisis pretending the last one didn't happen with my darling believing it is all happening because I am angry and unreasonable. To point out otherwise usually ends in angry outbursts verbal and physical abuse and while not an issue at the moment in the past self harm as 'her release' sometimes requiring visits to emergency department.

As part of our boundaries I am trying to be more consistent in not engaging in abusive communications and the promise of hospital admission for self harm has reduced instances of self harm.

Thanks for sharing @Determined (first time I've ever used an "@" to tag someone!). It's reassuring to hear this is familiar to someone else - helps get my feet back on the ground. If you don't mind, generally what would be the duration and frequency of your criseses? My wife still hasn't calmed down, I've been called all sorts over the last couple of days because I won't admit complete guilt for the last 6 months, and I'm trying to explain/hold my ground that her behaviour is in part responsible for some of my actions/reactions. This Is when I start getting told that I'm not right in the head, that everyone she has spoken to says I'm not right in the head, And that even our marriage counsellor says I'm "mental". After I said "OK we can talk about mental health at or next counselling session", my wife started insisting that she won't be going, which gives me faith that at least some of her claims about what people think of me are blurred. I'm also getting the impression that she isn't happy with me being back because it will remove her victim status and the sympathy/attention she is getting, and she might end up in a room with me and someone she has been playing the victim to. Just thoughts though.

I've noticed that now I'm more aware and conscious of (trying to and mostly) staying calm, my wife doesn't escalate as much. She is just as relentless, but it's more simmering than boiling. I'm hoping that soon she will start to let it go a bit. Thankfully, the self harm isn't something my wife does. She has altered her image significantly over the last 6 months, which may or may not be my wife needing/ wanting attention.

On another note, has your wife's diagnosis helped at all? I kind of see a diagnosis as a "holy grail" at the moment, which might help my wife put things in perspective and increase her self awareness. Thanks again for all your advice and thoughts, it has been extremely helpful

Hi @wombats

There is no specefic pattern to duration and frequency of our crisises. Sometimes I can see things simmering and building over days/ weeks. Other times it can come from nowhere and blindside me. Duration can be anything from minutes to days.

Me not tippitoeing around things (I still try and be gentle and respectful as I can) bit addressing negative attitude and behaviour for what it is does often help. It is a fine line though in helping or making things worse. Just have to read the situation and do the best I can.

As far as diagnosis helping. For me anyway it just gave a reason for challenging behaviours. In my heart I have never believed my darli k g is a nasty and vindictive person, despite evidence to the contrary. It helps me separate illness from the person the illness has robbed our family of. I will add here that I did not find out about the bpd diagnosis for years. I thought she was being treated for depression and anxiety.

Hi @Determined

I can fully relate to the watching it build or just burst, over the last couple of years I can remember seeing it start to brew and I would take cover, the surprises were always that though. I had no idea what was going on, while not a diagnosis, when it was suggested I read up on bpd it was amazing how many things just started making sense

It is a delicate line isn't it? I'm not always the most diplomatic of people (usually when my tolerance is low), which probably hasn't helped our situation, but I'm learning. I think I had a very much persecutor-victim relationship with my wife, which would flip when I would get fed up. Not healthy. Managing to as you say, to not tiptoe but be gentle at the same time is an art I'm starting to get the hang of.

I also agree with seeing the person behind the behaviour. If I didn't have that awareness I wouldn't be putting up with the abuse, I know the lovely person who is in there, I just happen to be the one at the pointy end of their coping/survival stick.

Hi @Met1 how are things going for you, trust you have found the forums helpful.

@wombats thinking of you also as you work through things.