Feeling really flat

Thank you for thinking of me @outlander .

I've been feeling like I am walking a tightrope at present. I've got far too much to lose if I fall. I have a volunteer job until I start my next course which is awesome really. My current course has about 6 paragraphs of assessment and 40 hours left. I am really looking forward to finishing. I've decided upon doing a diploma of mental health next. I have attempted this course in the past, but allowed myself to become overwhelmed too easily. I've now recognised that self care is important too, as is the power of debriefing... something I was dreadfully afraid of due to opening up past work traumas.

I am learning about BPD as much as I can without triggering myself. A lot of my Facebook friends have it and it seems like a difficult diagnosis at times (but I guess schizophrenia is too now to think of it). It seems to fit the emotional instability. I can cycle like a yoyo and go from reasonably okay to quite dark in mood within a few hours.

There is a pickle though... my psychologist doesn't agree that I am BPD because I don't have chronic feelings of emptiness. As far as I know (and I checked) that is only one diagnostic feature and there are other features someone can have and still be diagnosed with the disorder.

Weird.... the whole DSM really baffles me. In either case, I just want the appropriate therapy so I can heal. My psychologist thinks I've been heavily traumatised at various points in life and this has helped trigger a genetic predisposition towards schizophrenia. Again, there are some valid points in there... I literally watched a parent die in front of me at a young age, I was neglected as a child and teen, I was emotionally abused as a teen, I watched my only sibling die as a teen, I was beaten in my 20s and 30s by various partners, I've had a miscarriage (probably due to the beating really). Pretty bad stuff happens to nice people sometimes though. Not saying I am a nice person though.

You are a nice person @Queenie 💕💜💕

I feel desperately depressed and overwhelmed.

I feel like I’m just limping through life pretending I’m happy. I go to work and put on a brave face. Then as soon as the day is over, I fall in a heap.

I feel like a charlatan that’s about to be discovered and I’m panicking. There’s a lot of yucky anxiety feelings.

Tomorrow is my meeting with my trainer and my manager. I’m really scared 😟

The urge to hurt myself is really high, but I won’t because in reality, that won’t help my situation but make it worse.

I also feel like my friends don’t want me around. They never initiate contact I have to contact them. All my friendships are very one sided. I see them go out as a group and never think to invite me and that hurts. I haven’t been invited to a social gathering for the longest time. I feel like I’ve got nothing to look forward to.

Sometimes I wonder where I fit in the world? I certainly have little to offer.

I hear you @Queenie i feel much the same in many areas. I think I’m always asking myself where I fit into this world also. it’s a really hard place to be.

I Hope your meeting tomorrow goes ok.

I also think you have a lot to offer, you just can’t see it.

Hey @outlander my meeting is about vocational placement I’ve been doing. I think today went really badly. I was in a new role and feel like I completely blew it. I’m frightened of failure and take criticism personally (is this a BPD thing? I really don’t know). I keep getting all these bizarre paranoid thoughts like I’m constantly under surveillance. That’s why I rarely come online anymore, or I read posts but don’t comment out of fear. My psychologist says that’s part of the schizophrenia...for instance I was sure there was a man who was going to do something to the train I was on this morning. I have to constantly reality check and it exhausts me.

I just have 20hrs left in my course. Hallelujah! The impossible might be done.

@Maggie I think I have my depression blinkers on. It’s hard to see anything good when they block the view of the world.

I know @Queenie i have mine on today also, sucks big time.