Self-love and Self-Hatred

I am happy enough and find enough to please me in life -- I think that is all we can do @Owlunar

as you know i was born with Rubella sydrome whcih has caused people to protect me more ( except my father )

and I think to have self love in any situation ( which is very hard at times )

you are amazing my second mum @Owlunar

Hi @BlueBay

You were the person who gave me the idea to look into people-pleasing and I will be bringing this up again but we can talk about it now.

We all have to please other people at times and I guess most of the time it is appropriate - we need to behave in certain circumstance if we want to be accepted - like work, church, public meetings, public transport, birthday parties, special occasions of different kinds but there are also time when we do not.

If we are asked or expected to do something unreasonable or unacceptable then of course - we do not have to please people by doing things like that - we know better than to break the law - we are not rude to people - we don't tell lies unless we protect other people's feelings - eg social white lie - we pay our bills - drive carefully and otherwise behave like kind people and good citizens. And we don't do wrong things to please other people

And there are times when we do behave in an assertive manner when it becomes to our own well-being - assertiveness is another subject we can talk about here

That seems pretty straight forward but people-pleasing or not is hard to work out and that's why I thought to bring this up next week - but you can discuss it now if you like

Dec

that is so me too sis @Shaz51

all my life i have been a people pleaser. Pleasing my parents as i was growing up, wishing and hoping they would be proud of me. Pleasing my friends so i could have friends. (the only few i ever had)

i would never argue or give my opinion to family or friends for fear of losing them.

all my life (up until 10 years when my memories of childhood abuse came out and my parents fought with me) i have always pleased my mum. always ringing for her 'okay' in things i bought, or holidays etc just everything

and if she made a comment that i shouldn't buy something then i wouldn't.

it was always her opinion and say before me.

then when we were not talking i had to learn to make those decisions for myself. it's been and still is very very difficult to make because i don't trust myself in the decisons. i don't want to get it wrong.

i always want to please people becasue i wanted people to like me, i didn't want to hurt anyone with my opinion or views, i didn't want them to hate me. so i kept the peace. and i think i still do this.

I just did @Owlunar but forgot to tag you and others. It is a reply to @Shaz51 but i am more than happy to see what you think

I get really upset if i know i have upset someone even for a small thing.

i am terrible in doing this, it has been my trait since childhood

does it have anything to do with my childhood abuse? i don't know

i still do too my sister @BlueBay

Hi again @BlueBay

I am going to have to take a break soon - I have so many tags I am having trouble keeping up

I don't really know the answer but imo I believe that your people-pleasing behaviour began early in childhood and the abuse came later - and I have an idea that you didn't know how to handle the abuse - who would?

I think you froze when you were assaulted the first time - from what you have said - and this happened everytime - you were afraid and it was painful in many ways

In times of fear people experience fight, flight or freeze - you froze - it was wrong that you were assaulted - your reaction was natural

Dec

Hi @Shaz51

I know a little about rubella syndrome - I had a school friend with that and I met her in later life briefly - I could see she had some obvious disability and she had been married for a short time

Could it be in her case - and yours - that the mother feels at fault for any reason to have had rubella during pregnancy. People can have an injection during puberty for rubella now but not when I was young - even when you were Shaz - so it is a tricky thing and can cause difficulties that must occur with one kidney that doesn't work well and I know - hearing and vision problems as well

I have never had rubella that I know of - my mother made me go to all the German Measles parties when I was young and then when my sister had it I had to get into bed with her - true - and when my kids got it I didn't -

And then there are those who get it when they are pregnant - it's no one's fault but it must be hard on the mother

So you were protected by everyone except your father and now - you write

and I think to have self love in any situation ( which is very hard at times )

Of course - you are entitled to love and self-love regardless - I hope it becomes easier for you

I think you are pretty amazing too

Dec

Just dropping this off. I found it some time ago and have found it to be a powerful influence when I'm thinking or being different. I'm following along, struggling to get thoughts out of my head.

@Owlunar Replying to your previous post about mothers. Mine had an undiagnosed MI, as many did back then. She covered up by drinking. I don't judge, or at least, try not to judge her for that, we all have our escapes. Unfortunately she became violent, physically and verbally. I seemed to be her main target of attack. I think me, being the only girl threatened her somehow. Her background was very difficult. Poor parenting was handed down.

Her voice still haunts my mind from the grave. I was relieved, putting it mildly, when she passed on, thinking I would be free of her, but that is not the case. I hope we never meet if there is a place waiting in the big blue or elsewhere.

I tried many ways to forgive, but felt a failure because I couldn't. My counsellor said to me one day that some things are unforgivable, and for me, a weight had been lifted. I was free to forgive or not to forgive. Strange, but I hadn't thought I had a choice.

I don't see myself as bitter in any way, more shattered, but I'm putting some pieces back, in a clumsy way.

Hi @Maggie

I am so relieved that we don't have to forgive everything - I had never thought of that - it's true - some things are unforgivable. whew..........

My interpretation of my religion doesn't include my family of origin sitting around the great dinner table in the sky - I had not thought of that either but in my family the dinner table was the time and place when and where we aired our grievances.

I never thought I had a choice about forgiveness either but like you I don't want to be a bitter person - I don't think you and I try hard not to be either - I saw what Gran's bitterness did to her and my mother

Maybe we were shattered and now we have to put things together the best way we can - I felt as if a huge weight has been lifed of my shoulders too

Thanks Maggie - there's a lot to be said for sharing interpretations

Dec