Offbeat Sayings, Or The Art Of Wisdom By Trial And Error

A mystic walks into a bar and orders the Universe...

The mystic walked into the desert, promising to return when he had learned a fundamental truth of the human condition. After three weeks of fasting in the desert, the mystic returned, half the man and with blistered feet...

The zombie mystic shuffled into the void, moaning to return when he had found a fundamental truth. He returned 7 days later, moaning that it was all about the head shot...

The mystic sat cross-legged at the ant nest, chanting “Go the hive mind! Go the hive mind! Go!"...

The mystic carefully climbed up onto his own shoulders and lifted himself up...

The mystic watched the magpie, the child and the nun with the same calm appreciative joy...

The mystic pointed to the illusory reality of the shopping centre and uttered “There go a whole bunch of people with more dollars than sense.”...

The mystic held up a bank to the sacred light, and found that it blocked the light...

The mystic said to his parents “I am the hurricane come back to batter the butterfly.”...

The mystic cleared his throat quietly and spoke. “This afternoon, I removed all of my garments and walked into the ocean, submerging all but my head in the illusory splendour of life’s intoxicating reality. When I came out, I stood drying in the wind before resuming my garmented existence. As I walked back to my restful place of contemplation, I noted that the hairs on my arms were standing up on end and waving, as if by static electricity. The feeling, too, was like this. I looked contemplatively to the heavens for the impending thunderbolt, and none came. There may be several explanations for these amazing sensations my physical self felt. As a man of science, I say that it was a combination of temperature, water salinity, low air humidity, swirling gusty winds, the granularity and composition of the particulates in the air, and a whole host of physical parameters such as my skin condition, hair condition, diet, general physical and mental health, and so forth. That explanation covers one version of reality, a projection onto the Really Real. Another explanation is that my spirit exulted in the presence of the divine energy of the Multiverse. That explanation covers another version of reality, also a projection onto the Really Real. Both explanations are equally valid, and both fill me with joy and wonder.”...

The mystic looked off into middle distance. “$30. What is that weird little squiggly thing in front of the numbers? It continues to confound me how much energy 7 billion destructive little ants crawling on this Earth expend, just for the illusory made up concept of money. Sure, it makes us kings of the material world, but paupers of the ethical and spiritual worlds, and entrenches inequality as an unavoidable reality. We lose more than we gain. To me, that sounds like bad economics. Silly ants, crawling around so furiously.”...

The mystic continued to look off into middle distance. “There is a currency much more meaningful than money. We only have a limited amount of it, and would do well to spend it well. That currency is time. When we are out of time, all the money in the world shows its true value and becomes totally and utterly meaningless. Put your faith in time rather than money. The rewards are near-infinite.”...

The mystic middled further. “Ask yourself this: how much time will it take to achieve this thing? If it is deemed a worthy venture, spend your time on it with loving focus. Now you feel the true value of things.”...

The mystic sat cross-legged in front of a rock, contemplating the lichen that covered it. “What are you doing?” asked a passersby. The mystic answered “Learning about Gestalt.”...

The mystic stood opening and closing the fridge door. “It’s all about the balance of light and dark.”...

The mystic’s eyes crinkled up as he smiled. “It’s all about perspective. From here, I am bigger than the mountain.”...

The mystic drank in the view as he viewed his drink...

The mystic smiled warmly at the man who connived and lusted after gold. “Why do you smile at me so?” asked the man. The mystic replied “If you desire gold, go outside, close your eyes and lift your face to the sun. There is your gold.”...

The mystic stepped off the scales. “My reality is lighter.”...

The mystic cleared his throat quietly. “Fanaticism (from all quarters) is a very dangerous thing. It has the power to topple empires. And yet it is still just an idea, a construct of the mind, that lies at the very r.o.o.t of it. That idea can be challenged and questioned and changed.” The mystic clears his throat again, for effect perhaps, before resuming. “Ask yourselves which is the better path. Love or hate. And then teach the fanatics the meaning of it.”...

The mystic chuckled good-naturedly. “Fanaticism is an idea that can destroy an empire. What does that say about the nature of an empire?”...

The mystic looked quizzical. “If Jesus returned to the world tomorrow, and offered a lolly to a child in a playground, many Christians would lynch him.” The mystic pauses, for effect perhaps, before resuming. “How terribly we have fallen into the trap of letting sinners hold such power over us. Our very reality is defined by fear and loathing, because of broken people doing broken things. The tragedy of these events is an infinite sadness to all of creation. The tragedy is compounded when we lose a part of our own joy, and instead darkly say ‘This broken person has done this broken thing, and there are broken people everywhere that I must fear’. When those words are uttered, our paradise on Earth is torn asunder, and we start to replace it with our own darkest version of Hell. I do not presume to know Jesus, but I would humbly offer that He was more into love and compassion than fear and hate. I also don’t think He’d like to be lynched because of misunderstanding fear and hate.”...

The mystic smiled transparently. “I am an illusion.”...

The mystic stirred the pot for dinner. “Khālid ibn al-Walīd – I would gently suggest that love and compassion fire and inspire hearts more than hate and war.”...

The mystic casually threw the litter onto the ground and unconcernedly walked away. A man stopped him and asked “Why did you throw your litter on the ground and walk away?” The mystic smiles warmly. “So that another can feel a sense of worth.”...

The mystic’s face fished for an expression, before settling into a warm smile. “Your pain is the bait, your desire to be free of it the hook, your life the line, and your wisdom the rod. Now, use your strength and skill to cast in the direction you want.”...

The mystic giggled as he fiddled with his change. “If all I had was 10 cents to my name, I would no longer be a slave to the man. Instead, I would be free to explore being a slave to circumstance.”...

The mystic frowned. “We don’t need to speculate about what happens when hate grows unchecked. War happens. We’ve actually tried that little blower off of steam a few times throughout the ages of recorded history and prehistory. We know without doubt where it leads, and still we go there.” The mystic shakes his head sadly, slowly, before resuming. “Maybe the umpteenth time will be the charm. Maybe we can n.i.p war in the bud by meeting hate with love instead of more hate. That is the power of flowers.”...

The mystic paced slowly. “If you walk a mere 1,000 steps per day, that is 365,000 steps per year. In less than 3 years, you will have walked the journey of a million steps.”...

The mystic smiled at his firmly held dedication to growing in awareness. “The ignorant me and I have parted ways. He stepped off the bus and is standing between bus stops staring vacantly and waiting for buses to stop, then getting annoyed when they don’t heed his signal.”...

The mystic’s face took on a serious but kind expression. “As the most powerful species on Earth, it falls upon us to choose what to do with that power. We could be custodians of this Earth, nurturing it, studying it, learning from it; or we could be destroyers of this Earth, exploiting it, ignoring it, earning from it. We have the power to achieve either of these two objectives."...

The mystic appeared distracted and fidgeted with his phone. “Sorry I zoned out just now and ignored you. I was sending a friend a text. They were struggling. I sent them words. A hug. Some comfort. Even a possible wisdom from my perspective. Most of all, I sent them love. Now do you see the power of words?”...

The mystic smiled sagely. “How do you k.i.l.l the beast? Stop feeding it.”...

The mystic smiled. “Why do you smile so much?” a man asked him. The mystic replies “Why do you not?”...

The mystic walked into the forest, promising to return when he had learned the meaning of personal growth. He returned two weeks later, complaining of crotch itch...

The mystic walked into the ocean, promising to return when he had floated on the tides of fate. He returned one week later, complaining of worse crotch itch than before because the cream hadn’t fixed it yet...

The mystic walked into the clinic, beset by crotch itch, promising to return when cleansed. He returned 4 days later, with a gleaming crotch that he could not show...

The mystic walked into the S & M club, promising to return when he had learned the meaning of restraint. He returned 2 hours later with ligature marks, slurring his phrases...

The duckface mystic posted his picture on social media, wondering if his visage would get more likes than his words...

The mystic smiled transcendent. “Once you have tasted a fallen crumb from the plate of Enlightenment, there is no going back. The Peaceful Power of Universal Love and Compassion within you starts to be guided by a growing Awareness of Self and Others. The Peace soothes your inner turmoil, thus giving you the Calmness to be able to build your Power and Focus on Healing yourself. Power turned inwards with Love, not hate, leading to a growing Mastery of Self. The Peace remains. It dissolves the fears. You now have Power through inner Peace and Mastery of Self. You Grow in your Awareness of Self and Others. Now, you have attained the Power to help Others in Word and in Deed, and still continue your own Growth at the same time. The Peace remains. Pain from within and without loses its power over you. You are Awakened to your Bodhicitta, and you seek Enlightenment for the purpose of helping All of Creation.” The mystic gives an almost imperceptible wink of his right eye, before continuing. “I’m rockin’ it Zen style baby, and I ain’t stoppin’ ‘till I hit Bodhisattva.”...

The mystic looked inward and outward. “How much time do you spend in your life seeking to improve yourself, and how much time do you spend on idle distractions? The honest answer to this will help to determine your destination.”...

The mystic looked blank-faced. “If I can put a smile on just one face today then I will go to sleep happy.” The mystic smiled...

The mystic gazed lovingly at the seed held in his hand. “I plant you and nurture you, tending to your needs. One day, your branches will grow tall and cast much needed shade on me when the harsh sun beats down on my weathered brow. I plant you and nurture you, and call you ‘Hope’.”...

The mystic whispered quietly across the valley. “I am the unheard echo. Even unnoticed, I still reverberate.”...

The mystic took a step forward. “I would humbly suggest that we cannot truly know the million steps it took for a person to get to a certain place. Even the foulest of the foul were once helpless babies in a cot before they took their first faltering step. This is why I do not judge.”...

The mystic bent down to pick up a wrapper from the ground. “When you clean up someone else’s rubbish, feel good about doing the right thing rather than bad about others doing the wrong thing. This simple emotional shift is the key to a lasting happiness.”...

The mystic put the stick he was holding in his pocket. “The way to control fire is to starve it of fuel. Remember this the next time you have dealings with an angry person.”...

The mystic winked with a cheeky lopsided grin. “I am the bodhisattva of Balance.”...

The dirty mystic smiled. “I have saved the Earth one shower’s worth of potable water today.”...

The mystic dropped his wisdom into the ocean...

The mystic stood empty handed. “When you have a thing, you feel you need another thing, and another. Before you know it, you are carrying a bunch of keys because you are afraid of another person taking your things. When you realise that the greatest thing of all is the love in your heart and that no person can take it from you, then your fear melts away and you have found the true key to lasting joy and happiness.”...

The mystic held the seeds in his hand. “I wonder who will be the winner in our worldly fields. Wheat, or rice? Empires are built upon the backs of such seeds.”...

The mystic listened to the beeping truck. “I hope that is not a reversal of fortune.”...

The mystic turned to the mirror. “Reflect on this.”...

The mystic beseeched. The question I’m ever eternally asking is “Do you like it?”...

The mystic bounced the rye in his hand. “None of my seeds will germinate on this rocky ground. I will save them for fields more fertile.”...

The mystic shed a tear. “Why do you cry?” asked a kind passerby. The mystic gently wipes the tear from his cheek. “I cry for the part of my self that is too hurt to cry.”...

The mystic bared his teeth. “Animals are as amazing people as people are animals.”...

The mystic looked left and right. “I have forgotten the location of the fountain of eternal youth, and remain eternally youthfully searching.”...

The mystic’s eyes crinkled up in mirth. “There are amazing things beyond words. I wish I could describe them to you.”...

The mystic sat motionless. “I’ve been working on a new meditation technique. It’s the “Don’t Scratch The Itch Mantra” meditation technique. It promises to unleash incredible powers, if only I could stop bloody scratching."...

The mystic bounced a little rubber ball against a wall. “Mindfulness is not a difficult thing. In fact, it is child’s play.”...

The mystic closed his eyes and smiled. “If a man takes out my eye, I will still look upon him with loving compassion and forgiveness from my other eye. If a man takes out my remaining eye, I will not see what he does next."...

The mystic paused thoughtfully during his dinner. “I am grateful for the food that sustains the substance of my body, grateful for the thoughts and emotions that sustain the substance of my self and mind, and most especially grateful for the spirit that sustains everything else.”...

The mystic paused thoughtfully further during his dinner. “And now I embrace the animal mindful selfless death of ego, and feast on the food that sustains.”...

The mystic smiled with a reptilian glint in his eye as he swam in the crocodile infested waters. “If a crocodile takes me, then I will lovingly embrace my role as meat.”...

The atheist mystic frowned. “I cannot even acknowledge myself as a god killer, for that would acknowledge the killed, and so the concept of I would cease to be.” The mystic smiles “In ceasing to be, the I is set free.”...

The mystic paused for dramatic effect. Then he got the hiccups...

The mystic sat in silence, deaf to the sound of sound...

The mystic laid the hammer and chisel down on the table and smiled. “Now I have finished carving this stone to make a fitting sculpture that captures my true essence.” The mystic’s smile widened as he looked upon what remained of the mighty stone he had started with – nothing but small chips and fine powder strewn across the floor. Stepping forward, the mystic exited the room, leaving his footprints behind in the dust…

The mystic smiled as he sat on the toilet. "I'm just going through the motions."...

The mystic smiled disarmingly. "The way to avoid conflict in this world is really very simple. You say to me that the sky is green. I agree."...

The mystic wiped a tear from his eye. "Why do you cry?" asked a passerby. "I cry for the why."...

The mystic wiped another tear from his eye. "Why do you cry?" asked another passerby. "I cry for the eyes that are dry."...

The mystic stood beside the podium with a laurel wreath in each hand. "Win or lose, what does it truly matter? Still we all stand here, together and alone."...

The mystic closed his eyes. "Insight into that which is within cannot be done without."...

The mystic looked upon what he knew not. "If I measure and label, I am enslaved and limited. If I observe, I am free and limitless."...

In a more enlightened age, people would have seen me as a poet and philosopher, and would have bought me drinks. Alas, I drink alone from the coin of my own purse...

And then the Goon Fairy came to fill my glass, and all was well...

We’ve all got a story to tell. The language of that story is immaterial… painting, music, the written word, sport, dance, photography, architecture, cooking, our love for our family and friends… as infinite and delightfully variable as we each are, and all as glorious as the stories in their telling…

Have you come to laugh at the sad clown, or with the sad clown? Either is fine, just so long as it all leads to laughter…

Explore and explain. One of the Universe’s many delicate balances…

I’m a poet… if I were a rock star, they’d love me. Instead, they don’t know me. Lucky them and lucky me…

Do you know what the secret to a good and balanced joyful existence is? Leaving things in a better state than when you got them… and that principle works universally well in your own life as it does with the property of others and the whole planet in general. It’s about custodianship and gratitude, not ownership or ignorant sense of entitlement…

What is writing? It’s simply daydreaming captured by the written word. I am a daydreamer, conveying my particular daydreams and daymares through these scattered letters upon the page…

Would you judge my bare feet? I have walked through excrement just as much as grassy flowery fields…

“It” is who we are, in my considered opinion. We can all talk about being selfless and giving, even to people who keep throwing it back in our faces with calculated venom or ignorant slight. But what remains truly important when you strip away all the rubbish, is that we respond to bad stuff with loving care and respectful gratitude, coupled with an inner steely core that says “Damn you, world! I will not break!”…

I like to dream about being happy, because that then makes me happy, and so I am become a self-fulfilling prophecy…

havnt read all of them yet but am digging them duuuuuuuuuuude

I tried to think of one just now but yeh its harder than I thought

something about stepping on lego

and building a better future maybe

Nice...